Sick Little Suicide
by TheFutureFreaksMeOut
Summary: High School Fic. NejiSasukeGaara. Never let the monster win. Complete
1. X plus Y equals WHAT?

**Sick Little Suicide**

Disclaimer:

Sadly I don't own any of the characters, but I'd love to have Gaara sleepin' in my bed. :smiles:

So what about the story, it's a Gaara centric and it's my first attempt ever at a fanfiction story, so don't hate me. All the characters are very OOC, I think. But don't let it scare you, and yeah sorry for the really bad English. I'm working in getting it better. Basically it's Gaara in high school, and me using my sick imagination turning him into a cute little emo boy. Warnings contains; language and a lot of blushing later on in the story. And Shonen Ai!

Soundtrack while writing this; Dog Eared Page, Sick Little Suicide and December Is For Cynics by The Matches. They Rock, so check 'em out!

**Chapter 1, X plus Y equals…WHAT?**

I'm watching you watch over me and I got the greatest view of all, but you don't know I'm watching you. You never notice, maybe because you are the perfect one.

I admit, you are beautiful. More beautiful than what I'll ever be. I guess I'm going to be the freak forever.

I watch your raven black bangs fall forward and cover your dark eyes, hiding their depths from everyone. The contrast between your pale smooth skin (well at least I think it's smooth) and your dark hair makes me stare. I watch you every day, in my own secret ways, but this day is worst than the others. Maybe it's because I'm in math class, bored as hell, and you're wearing those dark clothes that make you look just slightly gothic, and I dream about lining those dark eyes of yours with kohl. You'd look so good in it.

Looking away today takes effort, but I don't want you to see me gazing over you. As I said before, sometimes I catch you looking at me. Not the way the others look, you watch in almost a wondering way. One time I'm almost sure I saw you smiling, you never smile, just like me. That makes me think, even though you are the perfect one on the outside…maybe, just maybe your breaking on the inside.

I'm breaking too, shattering into a million tiny pieces. It's not the words they call me, not that my siblings hate me, it's not my stupid dads voice echoing in my head over and over again that makes me scream at night, it's not even that I'm alone that stains my cheeks with tears.

What makes me fall down and stops me from rising again, is…

Fuck that, my thoughts are wandering. It's just plain stupid. I guess I should listen instead, at least try to pay a little attention to what's going on, and I definitively must stop looking your way. I'm behaving like one of your fan girls and if I don't watch myself I'll be running up to you screaming for a date. Wouldn't that be fun to see, huh?

And then you'd really hate me… that is if you don't already do…

Everybody hates me, or at least they really dislike me. Ever since I can remember I have been the weird one, the one nobody wanted to sit next to. I never really had any friends, no one to bring home and have sleepovers with. No one to tell secrets with, or play videogames with and fight over stupid things, hanging out just like normal people do. That just proves that I'm everything but normal, I fucking suck at all those things you need to be cool.

Sometimes I look in the mirror and try to understand what's wrong.

Was I born a misfit?

Well, I don't actually look like your normal sixteen year old, or so Temari my sister tells me, the few times she actually speaks to me. She thinks boys with eyeliner should go to hell, so hell here I come. Yeah, I'm one of those freaky emo boys, wearing eyeliner and dark clothes, mostly black. It's such a lovely color, and their goes Temari screaming again, "Black is not a color. It makes you look even paler than what you already are." Isn't she wonderful my sister? She's one of those popular girls in pastel colored miniskirts and tight shirts, and I think the reason she hates me is because I'm everything she's so scared of being. She barely even speaks to me in school, so I avoid her and Kankuro (that's my brother) as much as possible. I don't want my dear siblings getting the same sickness I seem to have.

Kankuro is just ordinary. He has friends, he dates a girl, he doesn't look bad, doesn't look good. He's normal, normal, normal, normal! Hey, that's Temari screaming in my head again. She got this really crazy attack when I came home one day, a couple of years ago with the Kanji for love tattooed on my forehead. She went ballistic on me, and she tried to force me into growing my hair long and have it cover up my forehead. I mean is that bitch crazy or what? I will never ever have a fringe; my hair is freaky enough as it is already. It's really red and I have it in small messy spikes. The great things about small messy spikes, is that they don't take forever to do on the mornings when you got crazy siblings banging on the bathroom doors. O, great I'm rambling again, what I wanted to say was that I like not being like the others, but still I wish for a friend.

No, scratch that, I wish for you. I want to snuggle up close to you, want to feel your arms around me holding me tight and never letting me go...I wish for you to whisper soft things in my ears... I want to drag my fingers through your hair...for you to place tiny, tiny butterfly kisses down my neck…to drown in your eyes…I wish you'd trace the lines of the Kanji on my forehead and tell me that I don't have to love myself anymore. You're their to do it. And I do want you to kiss me, hug me, touch me…

Oh fuck, I'm blushing, I got lost in thoughts again. Why is everyone staring at me like I'm some kind of zebra at a zoo. Did the teacher ask me something? Nervously I look around the classroom, glaring at everyone looking at me; desperately I try to catch up, what did happen?

Finally after a few seconds my eyes lands on you. You just shrug and nod in the direction of the blackboard. My eyes shift and I look at the blackboard seeing the teacher waiting impatiently for me to say or do something. Laughs are starting to spread trough the class and I still don't get. What am I, retarded?

Damn. I'm blushing again a nice shade of red to my beautiful red hair (notice the sarcasm?). I must look like a tomato (a tomato with panda eyes that is) and the stupid things scribbled on the blackboard doesn't tell me a thing. I just wish that you'd stop looking my way. I settle for a "I don't know" and look away from the teacher, trying to ignore certain laughing class mates staring.

Well, that was the smartest answer this far, my teachers voice snaps me back to reality. Why couldn't she just let it go? I'm stupid. I just don't get math, and especially not when she wakes me up in the middle of a daydream about the cutest guy walking this earth. (O my god, did I just think that!)

"Gaara, sweetheart", my teachers voice again. She sounds like she's talking to a five year old retarded, brainless and annoying little brat. In other words her voice is dripping with sarcasm. "Honey, you really do need to catch up your math grades, you're failing really miserably, and I don't want to fail such a sweet boy as yourself." With those words she looks away and continues her monotone rambling about x equals y, or something idiotic like that.

Fuck x and y's, she left me in the nicest shade of darkest red, and I really don't like being called honey or sweetheart in front of the class, actually I don't like being called that at all. The stupid whore, made it sound like we hade some kind of after school relationship. In her dreams only. She gives me the creeps.


	2. Nine Small Words

**Sick Little Suicide**

Disclaimer: I still don't own any of the characters from Naruto, but last night I actually dreamt about Gaara breaking down and crying and Tsunade being his psychiatrist. She really sucked, 'cause it ended with Gaara trying to kill me. Bad, bad dream, I want to dream something fluffy about him, like him asking me to marry him :daydreams and smiles stupidly:

Just fooling around, sorry about that! Well, next chapter up, language warnings still on, and the blushing! One more sorry for making Gaara being just a little nerdy, I just couldn't help myself, it's so cute! Plus, don't hate me for making Naruto being the bad guy!

Let's rock then!

I just have to thank my reviewers, I was so surprised, never thought anyone would notice the story!

Chronic-fever: Awesome that you liked my story! Thank you so much for reviewing! You were the first one, so now your going to be special forever!

Autumn-Firefly: Yeah, it's a Gaara/Sasuke, because they totally are meant to be! Or, well at least they look super cute together! About Gaara being punk, just imagine him with, like dickies and a band tee or something! I personally love the thought of Gaara being punk:smiles: . Anyways, thank you super much for the review!

**Chapter 2, Nine small words.**

The class drags on forever, well okay, that would be lying, but I have to endure 15 more minutes. And that is 15 more painful minutes, 15 minutes of not looking your way, and 15 more thinking up a hundred ways to kill those stupid classmates in very disturbing ways.

Wouldn't it be fun to see the stupid blond chick Ino, who thinks she's God's gift to mankind getting run over by a garbage truck?...Twice! That thought almost made me smile, hope nobody saw that. I mean I just can't ruin my bad boy attitude by smiling. That's just not cool. O my god, bad boy attitude, where the hell did that come from!… That's totally hiphop.

I really must stop listening to Temari talking on the phone with her friends. I'm starting to sound like them. And that's freaky. Or maybe I just do it because I'm bored…to amuse myself. Anyway, I'm really confusing myself right now, and yeah, I'm rambling. That's one of the few things I'm really good at, getting lost in thoughts and talking forever about nothing.

I wonder if you like to spend the nights talking about stuff that doesn't make any sense at all, watching the stars slowly fade away and the sun rising. I could picture you and me sitting on a rooftop somewhere, talking the night away...with our hands barely touching and…

The bell stops my chain of thoughts. It's over. I'm free from math class today and now I can go home. Home to an empty house, or if I have bad luck, a house filled with Temari's giggling friends or Kankuro and his girlfriend making out on the sofa. That's just gross. Well, Kankuro and his girlfriend making out, that is… not you and me making out. That would be just nice.

I rise from my place in the back of the classroom and start packing my things down in my black messenger bag. It's one of those punky things covered in patches and pins with my favorite bands. I join the stream of people trying to get out of there as soon as possible, but end up being pushed against the wall by that son of a bitch, good for nothing Naruto.

He is one of the people I really hate. His favorite thing in the world must be pushing me around, slamming me into lockers, or calling me names. I honestly think that's the reason he comes to school everyday. He is one of the popular boys, along with you of course. But you don't really seem to fit into the typical jock/popular boy category like Naruto does. He's captain of the football team, extremely muscular and he has blond spiky hair and blue eyes that every girl swoons over. And not to forget, he picks on all the nobodies, that is one of the most important thing you have to do to be popular.

But you don't do that. Still, the girls chase you like crazy. Hell, you don't even do sports. You skip P.E. like me, and you're not even tall and muscular. Don't get me wrong, I think you're perfect in every way, but you don't look like all the other wannabe "pretty boys".

To think about it, if it wasn't for you strikingly good looks you could haven been labeled in the odd category. Just a little taller than me, skinny, wearing dark clothes and hair spiked in a weird way. Sometimes you seem really shy, like your hiding something. You rarely speak to the people who hangs around you, the so called "cool crowd", you ignore them and you ignore all the girls around you. Never ever has their been any rumors around school about you dating someone. Still, they don't call you names. Like you should have cared anyway if they did, because you got this thing about you that just screams "I don't give a fuck, leave me alone".

That was the first thing I noticed when you moved here two years ago. You walked into the classroom and you didn't even look at us sitting there. Normally, new students blush and stutter and have eye contact with only the floor. Your eyes seemed to be locked on the window, waiting impatiently for the teacher to get the introduction over with. A faint feeling of hope rose inside me back then. I thought that I maybe, just maybe, for once in a while could get a friend. You and I seemed to be much alike, but I guess I was wrong, because you ended up sitting beside Naruto and after that he dragged you along.

Okay, I can't blame it all on that dickhead Naruto. I could have talked to you, asked you to eat with me, or something like that. Something normal teenagers do, but I'm not like that. I blush a lot, I stutter when I get nervous and I really hate talking to people I don't know, a habit that comes from never having any friends, I just don't know how to make them. So I just watched you become one of the popular ones. At least I wished you'd become one of the freaks or the geeks or at least a nobody. That way my chances would have rose just a tiny bit.

But good-looking boys, even if they are a little odd like you, always end up in the popular crowd, no matter what. I think it's the laws of nature, or maybe it's because that your family seems to be really rich and rich boys are not freaks. So why can't I get it? There's no chance for you and me; we're like black and white. Still, I have this stupid schoolgirl crush on you.

I suck, I know, daydreaming my life away, getting pushed around and skateboarding my way down the streets. I pick myself up from the floor where I landed after Naruto's little "attack", briefly I think about shouting something nasty after him, something like "MOTHERFUCKER!", but the better part of me: the part that doesn't fancy getting beaten, tells me to shut up. So that I do, crawling around on the floor picking up my things. Well, I'm clumsy so I managed to get my schoolbooks, my walkman, and my pens all over the place. Hurray for me! At least I am alone in the classroom. You're always the first out of here and the others left while I was getting myself back together. After two more minutes of getting my things together, my clothes in the right places, I look up and I'm just about to walk out the door, when suddenly you're there!

My heart skips a beat, my mouth goes dry, and I feel my cheeks getting hot, and you haven't even talked to me.

You just watch me, standing there, like I'm some kind of cow you're thinking about buying. The whole situation is really awkward and a part of me just feels like running away. Another part wants to say something cool, something smart, something that makes you fall. And of course there is the third part who wants to jump you right there, tackle you down on the floor, and start to kiss you. But I don't do anything. I stand there dumbfounded, my eyes traveling from my black converses up to your eyes, and then down again. I thank God, that I'm not blushing like crazy yet, but at this rate it is just a matter of minutes. Please say something, I can't stand the tension. I desperately want to be the cool laid back dude who never blushes… someone who could meet your eyes without drowning in them.

You're the first to break the silence, just with nine simple words you made my world turn 360 degrees, my jaw drop and I really think you made my heart skip two beats.

"Do you want me to help you with math?"


	3. As Good As It Gets

**Sick Little Suicide**

Disclaimer: I don't own them :cries: But I want to, and when I grow up I'm going to be a ninja and move to Konoha. Anyone want to join me? I'm so tired today, so the spelling and the grammar of this chapter might be really bad, so sorry for the crappiness. It sucks, I know. Next chapter might take a while, but please stay with me. I promise it will come.

Warnings: Language, not so much blushing and…erh… nothing more I guess.

Soundtrack while writing this; All the songs on New Found Glory's CD : New Found Glory. They are an amazing band, so listen to them!

Thank you so much to the reviewers, I just can't believe it. You make my day, cookies to all of you!

_chronic-fever: You think my story is awesome, that's just to cool. Glad you liked the way I write Gaara, I was a little scared that I made him a little too weird. Hope you'll like the update!_

_Autumn-Firefly: You reviewed again! I'm so happy, thank you, thank you! And yeah sure, I think I'm going to make Sasuke a little punky too. I don't know any goth bands, so that'll be a little hard. But I'll try my best. About keeping their hands of each others, you'll have to wait and see :smiles evilly: Haha, I love your reviews, so please keep up with them!_

_AsweetKissFromPoisonedLips: Thank you a lot for the review! Glad you liked my writing!_

**Chapter 3, As Good As It Gets. **

I'm stunned. You couldn't have just said that to me! To me of all the people you could have asked! I force myself to look up and meet your eyes. I search for some kind of hint that this is an evil joke planned by Naruto, or some other stupid moron. But you look as sincere as a baby, your dark eyes meet mine and you have your usual expression of not caring. But hey, Isn't that a smile hiding in the corners of your lips? I can't help myself. I smile a tiny, tiny smile and nod my head like a stupid rag doll.

"I'd really like if you'd help me." The second after the words escaped my mouth I turn red. It sounded so stupid...and with that nodding, too. Mentally I smack myself really hard. I sounded like one of your fangirls, but at least I didn't stutter.

You answer almost instantly –"Well, see you at my house at six ...if that's okay with you." I nod, feeling like I'm in a comatose state. You scribble your address on a paper you magically pulled from your pocket, and give it to me. I manage to mumble a "thanks", and with a short "bye" you're out the door.

Right now, I think I'm in heaven, but I can't see any angels and I don't hear the choir singing, but I feel a strange happy feeling in my tummy. This must be love! I laugh at the thought. I must be insane... but anyway tonight I'm going to go to your house. Inside my head I do a little dance around but I hold back the urge to smile again when I make my way to my locker. I mean...What would people think if they saw me running around smiling like a normal teen?

Putting the books I don't need into my lockers doesn't take long, so a few minutes later I'm out of the hell hole that's school and making my way home. I actually feel kind of brain-dead. This is the first time I've been invited to someone's place. By now, I thought that I would have a million different thoughts running around in my head. But I feel numb and nervous. Like a girl being asked on her first date, I guess.

Pretty soon I reach my house. Well, I share it with Temari and Kankuro and our stupid father whenever he's around. That's not too often, thank God. It's one thing I have in common with my siblings : We hate our father. But that's a long, twisted story, and thinking about it opens up too many scars. So I just shrug it off, and walk in. Our house isn't big or anything, a normal red brick house for a family of four. Me and my siblings' rooms are upstairs and the rest of the rooms are downstairs. Well anyway, just as I expected I find Kankuro on the sofa with "what's her name", his girlfriend. She has a stupid name like Brigitte or something like that. I just can't remember it. They're both like half naked, and the sight makes me feel ill. But I have to walk through the room to get to the kitchen. And I need food, so I have to do it. When they notice me walking through the room they break apart. A small frown appears on Kankuro's face. He starts to yell at me. Something that goes in lines with "Can't a man get any privacy in this fucking house! You little idiot! You're not supposed to be home yet." Brigitte (or what's her name) tries to cover herself up. Like I have any interest in looking at her at all. Stupid bitch.

I flip Kankuro off and continue my way to the kitchen, yelling "Get a room!" before closing the kitchen door. That's like the third time this week I walked in on those two. They must like the tension of being caught or something. At least Temari keeps her boyfriend in her room. I grab some instant ramen stuff from the cupboard, not bothering to look at it. It takes a few minutes for it to heat up, and then I eat in silence with the radio blaring in the background. Stupid pop music, I hate it. That too makes me feel sick. I love music, just not that kind of music. The ramen things tastes weird and I throw away half of it. I don't want to get food poisoned and throw up all over you. The thought makes me panic. What the hell should we talk about! Just math? How boring is that?

Thinking about things to talk to you about I walk up to my room, relieved to see that Kankuro left the sofa. Nowadays I'm scared of sitting on it. God knows what disgusting stuff has been happening on it.

I enter my room, press play on the stereo, and let myself fall down on my bed. It's a regular one person bed covered in dark cotton sheets. I wish I had one of those extra large double beds. But if I had one, my room would be too full. It's really small. I have room for my drawers with clothes, my bookshelf with my stereo and my nightstand, with a lamp and the heaps of stuff I put there. And of course I have some space to move around, and that's about it. Sadly enough I wasn't allowed to paint all my walls black, so they are, white, dark green, and black. Don't ask me why I choose green; my brain was on a vacation or something. But it really doesn't matter, because I got most of the walls covered up with posters of my favorite bands. I pull myself up from the bed. It's time to hit the shower if I'm going to make it on time to your place. I start to sing along with the song blasting really loud from the speakers. It's "Dog Eared Page" by The Matches. I just love the song and the band and I suck at singing, but who cares? I'm feeling really happy all of a sudden so I dance my way down the hall to the bathroom. Yeah, me dancing! It's a scary sight, I swear.

After entering the bathroom I lock the door carefully. If I don't do that, I can be one hundred percent sure that Temari will walk right in. She spends like an hour in the bathroom at a time, and she goes crazy whenever it's locked. Anyways, I turn the shower on, to a nice comfy temperature and start to strip myself of my clothes, throwing the dirty ones in the washing basket and the other in the corner for later using.

The shower is really relaxing, and suddenly I think that maybe, just maybe I'll survive the visit to your house. Just thinking about it makes butterflies fly around in my stomach, but it's good butterflies, or at least I hope so. I'm going to do my best, and try to get you to like me.

I start to wash my hair; with some weird shampoo thing Temari left there. It smells like flowers, so now I'm going to be all girly. Hope that's not a bad thing. Maybe you like flowers? Flowers and you. What a lovely thought. Just thinking about you starts a chain reaction in my body, and soon I'm daydreaming about you and me on the biggest flower meadow that ever existed. O my God, I'm so gay. I'm not supposed to think these things. It's just plain wrong. I'd be lucky if we can just be friends. But anyways it's getting really hot in here, if you know what I mean, so I turn the shower to cold and stand there for as long as possible. That equals like three seconds. Shaking and freezing I step out of the bathroom, with a bathing towel on, of course. I don't run around naked like some people do (Kankuro). I swear, that dude is a nudist or something. I'm so not lucky. The second I step out of the bathroom Temari's door opens, and four giggling girls step out. And yeah, it's the four most popular chicks from school too. Just my luck. I wish I could die that second... that the floor would open up and eat me whole. But there is no miracle. Just me blushing like crazy and trying to keep my pride and walk back to my room. Damn it, why didn't I get dressed in the bathroom.

The girls walk away and Temari glares angrily at me, and says something like "You stupid retarded freak. Do you always have to fuck everything up? They're going to talk about this forever! I hate you so much." I don't answer her. It doesn't matter anyway, and hey... It wasn't my fault that the timing was bad. I didn't plan being half naked when her friends decided to leave. I leave her shouting evil things in the hallway and enter my room, letting the music drain out everything. I know I shouldn't care. I should be used to it by now. Her hating me. Kankuro hating me. My dad hating me and blaming me for every bad thing that ever happened to this so-called family. I switch cd in the stereo and soon the reassuring sound of "Smile Empty Soul" comforts me. I tend to listen to them a lot when I'm feeling down. Listening to "Nowhere Kids" I block out all the memories of the past. I don't have time for them now. No crying on a good day like this.

Thinking about you makes me smile again and I start to search my drawers for something nice to wear. I settle for black boxers and, well, after that I can't seem to find anything. I really need to buy new clothes, but in the bottom of the drawer I find my The Used "scribbled man" t-shirt. I decide that it's good enough and pull it over my head after I pause briefly to put some deodorant on. I don't want to smell like a pig.

After finally getting the t-shirt on, I glance down on my wrists. Fuck. I can't wear a t-shirt. For a moment there I forgot about the scars. Some of them are still healing.

Yeah, I'm angsty, I'm stupid, I'm weird, and sometimes I just can't take the panic building up inside me. There are moments when I feel like I'm breaking. When my whole body is shaking and everything is black. Those times I cry, and the only way to make it all go away, at least for a little while, is the razorblades. They're addictive and I know it's wrong. The thin lines that crisscross my wrists are one of my secrets. I never show them to anyone. They are one great ugly secret. A secret that I wished I could share with someone. Maybe you could make the pain go away?

I strip myself once again, and put a thin white, long-armed sweater underneath the "The Used" t-shirt. Now the scars are covered up and you won't be able to see them. Glancing at the clock I realize I have to hurry up, so I pull out a pair of black cut off dickies and some black socks.

Throwing them on, I run into the bathroom. I do my hair as quickly as possible and fix the black eyeliner back into place. I pause briefly to take a look in the big mirror hanging from the bathroom wall. I sigh, and decide that this is as good as it gets. I grab my bag from my room and walk downstairs. My siblings are nowhere to be seen, and I thank God for that. I've had enough of them for one day. I don't bother with leaving a note. It's not like they'll care where I am anyway.


	4. Butterflies Going Wild

**Sick Little Suicide**

Disclaimer: I don't own them at all. I'm just dreaming about it. Sorry about the late chapter, but I have had tons of schoolwork to do. Next chapter may take a while to, but I promise to work as hard as I can! And big apologies for the "Sasuke's POV" part, it's so bad. So I don't think I'm going to write in his POV anymore. Anyway, on with the story.

Chapter 4, entering the stage!

Thanks to all the reviewers! I love you so much.

_chronic-fever: Thank you! Hope you'll like this chapter to._

_Yaoilover: Of course there'll be some more angsty Gaara, and maybe just maybe some making out. But not in this chapter, they're taking it slow you know! I loved your review so thank you thank you, you're far to kind!_

_Rebel-blah-blah-blah: Here's more!_

_Autumn-Firefly: Sure I missed you, tons! Thanks for the band tips, I'm not that fond of them, but maybe Sasuke will be. smiles yeah, I think so about Sasukes weird armthings to, I actually have a short story about it, maybe I'll post it. I made him a little angsty in this chapter, hope you'll like it!_

_ASweetKissFromPoisonedLips: Thanks! I'm so happy you liked the bands; they are some of my favourites, so I couldn't help but to add them to the story. And more is coming…_

_spork ai: Yeah, he'd look so cute as it! Finally someone who sees the same Gaara as me!_

**Chapter 4, Butterflies Going Wild**

I'm out the door, and walking my way towards your place. It is in one of the rich areas, the finer parts of town. And I'm a bit scared that'll get lost. I usually don't hang around over there, but hey, I don't hang anywhere. I'm a loser, spending time in my room, listening to music and… Oh my God. I really don't have a life. It's pathetic. But I think I'll find your house, and if I don't, then at least I don't have to worry about what to talk to you about.

I wonder what you're doing right now. Are you thinking about me? regretting that you asked me to come? Are you nervous, too? It makes me smile, thinking about you being nervous. I'd love to see you blush.

**Sasuke's POV:**

Why, why, why… how stupid am I! I asked you. I asked you to come to my house ...to learn math. I'm not good at math. I'm not good with people...especially not people that I think are cute. And I think you're cute, and I like you, and I want you. I want you so bad. I want you in my bed sleeping close to me... want to feel your breath on my bare shoulders when you wake up beside me, to touch you and make you moan. Your lips against mine would be the sweetest sin. You drive me crazy, just by being you.

You're the only one who places a smile upon my face. I watch you too much, and I think you noticed. I hate all the false facades around me. I'm not a pretty boy. I'm not perfect and I do not like girls. Sometimes when they're almost suffocating me with their annoying voices asking for a date I feel like screaming. I'm gay and in love with… yeah... you.

I dream about you, every night. But I think you hate me. Hate me, hate me, hate me, and hate me just a little more. I hate me, I hate that I can't stand up for myself, that I accepted the role as "popular". That I never tell Naruto to lay off when he's tormenting you.

Everything around me is just fake, even my "badass" attitude isn't real. I do have emotions. I just don't like showing them. I hope you see past all that, that you see underneath I'm a real person.

Right now I'm lying on my bed, watching the clock tick the seconds away. I'm dreading the moment you'll come here, just asking you took all the bravery I had. I don't know why I did it, it just felt right. And the look on your face was unbelievable, I've never seen anybody get so surprised before. I really had to focus not to smile. You looked adorable. I love your panda eyes. They make me wish Itachi let me wear eyeliner. He's such an idiot, telling me what to wear, how to look, and if I don't do as he says, he'll…

Yeah, he'll beat the crap out of me. I should be old enough to beat him back, but if he throws me out I have nothing, so I have to stay. And anyways, he's a lot stronger then me, so I won't stand a chance. I wonder if he'll accept you coming hear. Bet he's going to scream something about you being a freak and bad company for me. But your company is the only company I long for. Do you long for me?... I wonder.

What if you do? The thought of holding your hand and walking down the corridors in school, showing every one the real me thrills me. But do I dare?

Just five minutes and you'll be here.

**Gaara's POV**

I think I'm here now, standing outside your house. It's really big and white and looks very expensive, what if I break something when I'm inside, I mean I'm so clumsy. The butterflies in my stomach are going wild now. I think I'm going to be sick. Just nice, me with a nice shade of green on my face and puking all over your expensive carpets. I bet your going to love me even more after that.

I'm going to knock on your door now. I'm actually going to do it. At least I think I'm going to do it... or no... I changed my mind. I'm going to run and hide in the bushes. You have a lot of them, your garden is huge. Must be terrible to do the lawn mowing. I get this mental image of you, shirtless, all sweaty and doing the lawn moving. So hot! I'm feeling my cheeks turn red. Okay. I have to think about something else. Something that doesn't include you at all, what about… lets see, ice cubes. Yeah nice and cold.

Now I'm knocking and ringing your bell. You're going to think I'm desperate. But, hell I am.

Seconds are passing. Open the door soon, please! Or else there is a slight chance that I can't control myself and I'll run away. The door is opening... I'm panicking… but what the fuck? Why the hell are you playing Black Eyed Peas on high volume? And since when did you grow like one and a half decimeters?

I must be looking like a fool. I was so sure that you'd be the one opening the door. This must be your brother or something. I manage to mumble something like "Hi, is Sasuke home?"

Your brother...must be that... he looks a lot like you, motions for me to walk in and then he calls your name really loud, sounding irritated. I'm standing on your door mat, feeling more stupid than I ever felt in my entire life. I glance around the hallway. It's enormous and white and in the end there's this big staircase, and there are a lot of paintings on the walls, making it look even more expensive. I feel my head starting to ache. Too much pressure! And that Black Eyed Peas is making me ears bleed. Temari plays crappy music like that all the time, but I still can't get used to it.

Your brother yells again, and I'm starting to wonder if you're deaf, or if you just forgot about me coming. This time your supposed brother sounds even more irritated, and suddenly there you are, coming running down the stairs, looking just slightly flushed. Your pale cheeks tainted with the smallest bit of pink, when your brother sees you he turns and walks away into another room. When he closes the door behind him, the terrible music goes away. In it's place there's silence, and just when I'm about to open my mouth to say hi, you trip. Yes, you trip on one of the big carpets on the shiny floor. It looks absolutely adorable, and I can't help but smile. You're up the same second you fell, smiling a little bit yourself.

"Hi..." Your voice is soft and you sound happy, like you actually liked me being here. I reply with a small "hi" too, sounding and feeling really shy. It's awkward to be in another person's house, especially when it is your house.

Sorry about Itachi. He's as stupid as he looks. Don't mind him or his disgusting music. He got all the bad genes.

You actually made a joke! Okay then... What do I do? Smile! damnit, smile! So I smile, that too feels weird. I think my butterflies are back, but I'm not even sure if they left. You tell me to take off my shoes and follow you to your room. I do as I'm told. You must really regret this by now, getting stranded with a "non speaking weirdo". Wonder what your room will look like. Do you have a big bed? Naughty thoughts and me grinning wide. Shit, you noticed.

"Hey, what are you smiling for?" You sound curious and cute and I melt and just shake my head and mumble "nothing". I really have to be more talkative. Untie my tongue and make you fall with my great verbal skills. Trotting up the stairs I get a nice view from behind, you have the same dark jeans as you had in school, but changed your plain white shirt into a plain black one. But you look good in anything. Hope you don't think I tried too much with all my clothes changed and stuff. We enter your room, and it's big. A lot bigger then mine. Like three our four times the size and painted in dark blue with an enormous window opposite the door. It's one of those windows you can sit in, and stare at the sky all night. I continue to scan you room. Your bed is in the corner of the room. It big. Yay! It's big! I do a happy dance inside my head. It looks totally comfortable with a lot of dark sheets and pillows. I want to lie down there and just die in your arms tonight.

That sounded like some stupid old rock song and I'm scaring myself. I don't listen to that! I'm going to blame Temari again. She plants all kinds of crazy stuff in my head. The rest of your room is nice too, it's like my dream room except it's blue. You even have your own TV and DVD player. Talk about making me jealous.

"Your room is really nice." My voice is a little shaky, but for my first whole sentence it's pretty good.

"Thanks. Want to sit down?" You point at the bed, and sit down on one of the edges. It feels weird but I sit too, stealing glances of you and trying not embarrass myself. I wish I could sit closer to you, but that's not normal, I think. So I keep my distance, picking up my bag and taking out the math book. Your facial expressions drops when you see the book, making you look a little tormented.

"You don't like the math book?", I ask, and can't help but to giggle a little. You look like me, when I'm doing math. So why the hell did you ask me here?

"Sorry", you answer, smiling a little too. It's just so boring and I'm not really that good at math, and I actually think that me helping you would mean more bad things than good and I don't want to give the stupid math teacher more chances to hit on you.

After that small confession you blush just a little and look away.

At first I don't really register what you said, just something about you not being good at math, and for a brief second I'm scared. Are you going to tell me to leave? Then I get what you said.

You don't want me to leave, and you even noticed the stupid bitch's hints. That means you're paying attention to what's happening around me.

"I hate her!", I burst out, "She's just disgusting! I'm not her 'sweetheart'! and the stupid bitch never calls anyone else names like that! She's so creepy... and it's her fault that my math grades are going to hell. And hey, it doesn't matter that you suck too. I don't want to do the homework anyway." I smile, and feel proud of myself. We are talking. Normal boy talk talking! I'm so rocking in socializing. I can't believe I haven't had friends before.

"Maybe she's a pedophile... dreams about you naked... and by the way I didn't say I suck at math. If I did I'd have that pedophile teacher hanging over me!" You laugh and throw a pillow at me.

"That's just disgusting! You're so perverted." I laugh too, and grab the nearest pillow and dang it onto your head, messing up you hair big time.

"I'm not perverted, you little emo kid! I'm going to make you pay for messing with my hair!" With those words escaping your mouth, World War Three in pillow fighting starts. Said war includes a lot of yelling bizarre names to each other, laughing and screaming, and giggling like girls.

I enjoy being so close to you, and I'm not nervous anymore. I feel safe around you, just having a good time. You're stronger then me and suddenly I find myself being straddled, having a hard time breathing from all the laughing. We lock eyes, and there is silence in the room.

We smile at each other. No words passing between us but still...you've just told me that you like me, and I hope I've told you the same.

But just when everything is as close to perfect as it could possible be. I mean... you're sitting on me and that's almost making out, right?

Itachi opens the door, yelling.

"Sasuke. Get the hell off him immediately! You idiot! I fucking told you, NO BOYS! You disgust me."


	5. Hurt

**Sick Little Suicide**

Disclaimer: Hey, I'm back with a new chapter. It's very angsty, not really like the other ones. Hope you'll like it anyway! And just one thing, before in earlier chapters I wrote that Sasuke wore dark clothes in school, and then I wrote he had a white t-shirt in school. Sorry about that, just pretend he never wore the white one! I messed up, hmm...warnings for this on: Angst and language I guess. You're going to see Gaara's dark side. And yeah, I don't own them, too bad!

You're the best, you who reviewed!

_Yaoilover S: Thank you for reviewing again, hope you don't mind I'm dragging the story out a bit. No cute Gaara/Sasuke scenes in this chapter, but maybe, just maybe in the next one. But they'll come, I promise!_

_ASweetKissFromPoisonedLips: Thank You! Hope you're going to love this one to!_

_Rebel-blah-blah-blah: Look I did it, I updated. Hope you'll like it!_

_Autumn-Firefly: I love your reviews, please keep them coming. And I'll help you strangle Itachi, he needs some serious beating. Hope you you'll like this chapter even if it's a little angsty, the sweet stuff will come! And I'll have the song in thought, but I highly recommend you to listen to the song Gaara listen to in this chapter. It is beautiful! And one more thing, short Sasuke story is posted!_

_Chronic-fever: You reviewed again. Yay! You made me really happy by liking the last chapter. Hope you'll find Sasuke's POV in this one as breath taking as in the last one!_

**Chapter 5, Hurt**

What the fuck?

It takes me a couple of seconds to grasp the situation but you react the moment Itachi open his mouth. You're off me in the blink of an eye, leaving behind an empty space. Your cheeks are bright red, and your eyes are flashing with anger, screaming at Itachi to leave the room. He screams back, but I just can't hear a word. It's all my fault. I shouldn't have come.

But then why did he have to come in and ruin it all! I never felt so happy in my entire life! ...and now I just don't know what to do. Maybe I should leave. That's what Itachi is screaming about anyway. I feel the well-known panic building up inside of me, threatening to make me cry. Everything around me is chaos, and the room starts to spin.

Damn, I'm overreacting. I'm not good under pressure. Slowly I pull myself up from the bed, catching the attention of both you and Itachi. I keep my eyes locked at my feet, afraid of looking up and meeting yours or Itachi's eyes.

"I'm sorry..." My voice is tiny and weak, but I can't make it any louder, or else I'll stutter. I glance up and meet your eyes really fast. You look like you're about to cry too. I just wish I could kill Itachi that second and then hug you for an eternity, telling you that it will be okay. But life doesn't work that way. Instead I walk out the door, leaving you and Itachi alone. For the moment he's quiet. I'm almost sure he's going to yell at you again. He seems a bit like my dad, and that's bad. Very bad.

I find my shoes and I'm about to open the door when I hear running footsteps. I don't know why I turn around but I do, just to find you standing really close to me. You're still blushing, looking everything but happy and your hair is still messed up from our little fight. It's sticking out in every direction possible, making you look adorable.

"Sorry. It wasn't meant to be this way. I just…" You trail off, breaking our eye contact.

Now it's my time to give you a response, to tell you that it's okay. But I can't, I don't know what to say. I'm so confused, even more tongue-tied then when I got here. I don't want to break the little bond we've made. It's the most precious thing I have right now. But still I can't get the words out, you save me by saying a little "bye", hearing Itachi screaming at you from the upper floor.

**Sasuke's POV:**

Damn! It's messed up! You left! Itachi yells and I want to die. Everything was going so well, and then he came and destroyed it all. Now you're going to hate me. You said you were sorry. Sorry for what? I fucked everything up. God, I hate Itachi.

Why?

Why did he have to yell those things! He had to start a fight when you were around. You looked so scared. I just wanted to embrace you, shielding you from Itachi's verbal assault. But I couldn't, Itachi doesn't tolerate me being gay. He wants me to be what he defines as normal. But I'm not. I want you. Please... I hope you saw it. Sometimes I'm not good with words. If I was, you'd know by now that you're the most beautiful thing walking upon this earth. I hear Itachi's steps in the stairs, and I know what's coming. For a brief second I consider running away. Maybe I'll catch up with you, and we'll run away together. That's just for fairytales. Tomorrow's going to be the same as all the other days. I'm going to admirer you from afar. But then again... Hell no! I'm going to talk to you, for once in my life. I won't live in the shadows of Itachi's rules. I won't let him hurt me the same as he did once before with Neji.

It still hurts thinking about him and that's why Itachi made me move. I fell in love with a boy, and he fell in love with me. Unfortunately, Itachi didn't like it, and neither did Neji's parents. They broke us apart, and we haven't seen each other since.

Fuck, Itachi's here now. I wish I couldn't feel the pain. Hope he doesn't hit too hard. It's hard to hide it in school ...to hide from you…

**Gaara's/Normal POV**

I'm outside now, but still I can't breath right, that panic and the tension from inside your house makes me take short shallow breaths. Everything that happened twists about inside my head.

All the words Itachi screamed and your sad eyes.

I can't handle all of this at once. I'm not used to this kind of stuff. It makes me feel ill, because it had to be my fault it all turned out this way. It's always my fault, so I have learned over the years. I'm always the "fuck-up". I'm the one breaking things, getting the bad grades, saying the weird things, looking the wrong way. Name it, I'm probably doing it. That's what my father yells at me constantly when he's home. He just can't take me not being perfect like his other children. Actually, he can't take anything. If I move the slightest bit wrong he snaps, letting hell break lose. I hate him badly. I hate when he talks, when he smiles, and mostly I hate it when he touches me.

And you brother seems to be exactly like him. I wish I was a superhero so I could save you, or at least... I don't know...I wish everything bad would just go away. Sometimes I wish I didn't exist, but I'm far too scared to take my life. I only dare to break the skin on the surface.

Raindrops hitting my face, mixing with the tears streaming down my cheeks awaken me from my daze. In a minute I'm soaked, my clothes fitting like a second skin, making me shiver from the cold. I want it to go away. I feel like screaming out like a five year old.

Why is my life that has to be messed up! Is it really that funny to break me down and watch me cry? I hate crying so much, and here I am, walking down an empty street crying my eyes out, feeling like dying and hating just about everything, everything but you.

And just to make everything suck just a little more, I have to fall and hurt my knee, ripping my pants. Now it is a fact, my life sucks the most, and tomorrow is going to be another hell day in school, watching you from afar, thinking about your warm hands touching me while we played with the pillows. And days are going to pass by, and slowly the memory is going to fade away leaving just see-through pieces behind. And I'm going to end up working my ass off at some shitty place and killing myself with a bunch of sleeping pills.

And now I'm home. My house is in front of me, and so is my dads' car. Please, no, I can't take more right now. There's no chance he'll be asleep. He's going to hear me come in and he'll start yelling the minute he sees me. I don't want to cry in front of him. That's below me. I'll never show him how much he hurts me.

So here goes nothing. I'm opening the door and stepping inside, wiping the last tears from my eyes and trying to get some of the eyeliner away from my cheeks. It's smudged all over the place. And my dad hates eyeliner. I don't want to give him more reasons to scream. I quietly take of my shoes and start walking towards the stairs. My clothes are dripping, leaving prints on the clean floor. I try to get them away with my foot, but it's no use, my socks, too, are soaked from the rain.

Suddenly I hear footsteps behind me. A flash of panic runs through my head. I want to run to my room and slam the door shut. I barely have time to think the thought when my fathers voice calls me back and his heavy hand lands on my shoulder. I try to get away from him, making myself as tiny as possible. It's not that hard, I'm a bit on the small side, not tall at all. But it's no use, I'm stuck and I feel myself starting to shake. He turns me around and forces me to face him, but I refuse to meet his eyes. If he sees the make up, he's going to be so mad. He's already turning red from all the screaming, screaming about the usual and about me being wet, and where the hell have I been? When I don't answer, he screams a little more, and I can smell the alcohol in his breath. If it is possible, he's even worse when he drinks. I bet he's already yelled at Temari and Kankuro, even if they are the so called "perfect ones" he hurts them too. He scares me so badly.

For a second he stops the constant yelling and his harsh fingers grab my chin, forcing me to look up at him. Desperately I try to hide my eyes. Too late. It's always too late. Of course he sees it. A sharp pain hits me on the side of my head, making me feel dizzy for a brief second. He spits words from his mouth like venom, calling me as many bad names as he can. By now, I can feel the tears burning so hot behind my eyelids. I just want to cry, cry away all the pain. I want my razorblades.

He practically drags me into the bathroom downstairs, turning the water in the sink onto cold and putting my head underneath it. He makes me choke and almost drown while rubbing the eyeliner from my eyes. He hurts me, not just by his violence, but by just standing so close to me. I can't stand his body heat. I can't stand his fingers on me. He makes me so sick I want to throw up. But throwing up while being choked isn't the best of things to do, so I control the urge with the little willpower I have left. I'm crying freely now, into the water and his hands because they're all over my face. Finally, he decides he's finished and let me loose. I can't do anything but collapse onto the floor, hiding my face with shame in my hands, curling together like a little ball. I rock back and forth ignoring his last words. I stay like this for what seems forever. Until I hear his car door slam shut and I know he'll be gone for awhile again.

Completely broken, I pull myself up from the floor and up the stairs. While shutting the door to my room I break down again. At first I'm shaking so hard from crying I can't get the wet clothes off me. They're stuck and very uncomfortable. I want to sleep so badly, and hopefully dream of another life. But I know there's something I have to do first to ease all the angst inside of me.

I throw the wet clothes aside. I just don't have the strength right now to put them in the washing machine. Putting on some dry ones, I really don't care which one they are, I make my way to stereo were my cds are. I need this song badly right now.

"_Hurt_" from Nine Inch Nails.

The most beautiful song ever made.

Temari and Kankuro are asleep so I can't turn the volume up on the stereo. Instead I put the cd in my walkman and I put the headphones on, letting the music drown out everything. Everything but the pain inside.

Through eyes blurred with tears I see the razorblade make the first soft drag against my skin. I don't feel the pain from the wound, just the soft relief inside. I let the razorblade continue its destructive dance against my naked arms and wrists and the song plays over and over again, and I cry and I cry until I cannot cry anymore. Now my body aches, my head aches and my heart aches, I want you here with me. But I fall asleep alone, resting my head upon my bloody arms with the song still playing in my ears…

…_I hurt myself today, to see if I still feel, I focus on the pain, the only thing that's real…_


	6. Love Is A Mission

**Sick Little Suicide**

Disclaimer: Guess what, I don't own them!

And this chapter isn't what I wanted it to be. It's one of those stupid filler chapters, but I'm already working on the next one, and I'll hope it'll be a bit better. This one is short, ill try to make the next one longer.

Now on to the reviewers, you guys are the best. Sorry to keep you waiting!

_Yaoilover S: Thank you, you reviews are so fun to read! I'm dragging it out a bit this chapter to, but soon, soon there's going to be some "loving". I hope you won't hate this chapter, even if it's short and not so good!_

_ASweetKissFromPoisonedLips: Thank you, thank you, it feels great to be someone's favorite! And it was great you mentioned the typos, sometimes the spelling program doesn't work, or I miss them. Glad you like the songs, I don't know if you heard of Lit, but they are really good, so check 'em out. Sorry it took so long for me to update, I'll try to do it faster next time._

_Mistress of the Sand: Thank you! Glad you liked it!_

_Midnight-Sunset: I love your reviews, always makes me happy. And yeah it would be cute seeing Gaara and Neji fight over Sasuke, but I don't think he'll come into the picture. We'll have to see, and I'm so sorry it took so long time for me to update this short little chapter. By the way, now I'm going to sound so stupid, but what is a AMV?_

_Chronic-fever: Thank you so much for telling me i write beautiful, that's just to nice of you!_

_Dreamer1: Thanks! Hope you'll like this short little update._

_spork ai: First of all, I love your story! Please keep on updating it! And second thanks for the reviews, I'm thinking of ways to kill Itachi, but it's a bit hard. Maybe I'll make his plane crash or something :smiles evilly:_

_Vibribi the Crack bunny: You are right, when I read your review I went back and reread the whole story, it's unrealistic I agree. But it's my first try ever at as story like this, but I'll try to change the people a bit in the story, give it some more gray scales instead of the black and white._

**Chapter 6, Love Is A Mission**

I hate waking up. It's like dying but just more painful. And that didn't make any sense at all.

I just woke up so don't blame me. It takes a while before all memories from yesterday return, and when they do they hit hard. I try to hide beneath the covers, but my alarm clock keeps on ringing. And I know I have to drag my lazy ass up. I have to wash away the blood traces from yesterday. I can feel some of the blood smudged and dried on my face and my arms are sore. I don't dare to look at them now because I know I cut them badly.

It's still early, but I always set the alarm early. I don't like eating and talking with my siblings on the morning, and not to talk about fighting over the bathroom with them. That sucks, and destroys my day even more.

Sighing, I rub my eyes and slide out off bed. It hurts to move. I flip the lights on, and as soon as I see the stains on the pillows I turn it off again. It's really bad this time, usually I don't cut so deep, but I guess I did this time.

I close my eyes and turn the lights on again. Slowly I open my eyes and glance down at my arms. At first I can't see much. The blood is smudged all over the place and it actually looks terrible, like I've been in a war or something. A war with myself that is. But the cuts aren't as deep as I thought they'd be. I hope they'll heal whit out needing to be stitched together. On the other hand, they have to heal. There's no way I'm taking these to a doctor.

Back to reality, I have to clean everything up and hide away the truth. Changing the bedsheets doesn't take long, and the "dirty" ones I throw into the washing machine together with my wet clothes from yesterday. That's the great thing about wearing mostly black. You can wash it all at one time. Not the white sweater of course. I may be a boy, but I'm not boy stupid. I know how to clean and wash, but not cook. That's the part were I suck. Maybe you could do the cooking, but then again no... You don't look like the cooking type. I guess we'll have to order take-out everyday. I have nice daydreams, don't I? Too bad they aren't true.

I slump down beside the washing machine, feeling it vibrate as it cleans away my shame. I suddenly feel drained of energy, I know I have to shower, get dressed, spike my hair and fix my eyeliner and go to school. It's just too much. Why do I have to?

Stupid question I know. Because of you, and times ticking. I crawl into the shower. Damn I'm acting crazy this morning, but anyway I turn the water on. It takes me a couple of minutes to realize that I'm still dressed and sitting on the shower floor.

This is not the right way to get clean.

...so I stand up and pull of my clothes. They're stuck to my body and really hard to get off. Finally I succeed and am ready to wash myself.

I must have been sitting forever in the shower because Tamaris up and banging on the door. So I hurry up, wash my hair and clean my arms and face from bloodstains. A quick look in the mirror and I'm out of the bathroom, with a bathrobe on of course. Not that Temari would notice anyway, she's to full of herself to notice anything. Today it feels like everything is going in slow-motion,

"_I can't live, I can't breath, I'm underneath_"

A line from Lit's song "Times Like This" hits my head. That's the way I feel right now, everything is numb and I couldn't care less. Even the thought of you can't make me smile.

Fifteen minutes later I'm ready. Fully clothed and chewing on a piece of breed. Sounds like a nice breakfast huh? Well, it sucks. And the atmosphere in the kitchen is so tense that you could cut it with a knife. Temari is glaring at me, eyeing me up and down, and any second now she's going to comment on my choice of clothing or the heavy lines of eyeliner that surrounds my eyes today. It's a little more than usual, but when I feel vulnerable like I do today I cover it up with some blackness. It helps a lot... like a little shell that puts the attention to my weird outside and not my fucked up broken inside.

Everybody covers something up, but some are better at hiding than others and I'm great at hiding. Hope you're good at finding, because I can't take this much longer.

Temari opens her mouth, and I'm sure she's going yell at me, but then suddenly it's like she's totally drained of energy too. She just tells me to be home at seven if I want dinner, I manage to give her a tiny smile. At least she tries sometimes. I mumble a small "bye" before I close the door behind me. Maybe she's not that bad at after all.

Walking to school doesn't take long time at all. And soon I'm there, my beloved hell. I glance around and try to find you, but you're nowhere to be seen. I'm a bit early, so the corridors aren't crowded yet with stupid people. Just the usual nobodies and computer freaks. At least they don't yell at me. They just stare or ignore me. Sometimes I think they're afraid of me, like I'm going to kill them or something. Even though I couldn't kill a fly. I'm just weak and stupid and not good at anything at all, I hate myself. That's how simple it is, all these thoughts makes me depressed. I have to ignore all of it, or else I'll end up crying in the boys' toilets, craving for razorblades. So, to cheer myself up, I glare at some random girl passing by and then just behind her I see you, and my glare turns into a smile. I can't help myself, just by seeing you all the bad things go away. If this was some stupid romantic movie, there would be a corny song playing in the background and the area around us would be all bright and shiny.

**Sasuke's POV**

My alarm clock goes off. I'm ready to kill it without batting an eye. The irritating ringing signals cuts through my fluffy dream about you wearing this cute short little green dress. I shut the signal of and rub my eyes, trying to get some of the sleepiness away.

Even though I'm pissed at the clock for waking me up just when the best part were about to come (You were leaning closer and closer and...) I can't help but to smile a little. This day isn't so bad. Itachi was horrible yesterday, and he fucked everything up big time, but today he's gone. He had to work all weekend but he won't be back until Monday. And that makes it perfect for me to invite you over again.

I saw something in your eyes yesterday while we were playing, something I want to see again. Happiness. I don't want to see you broken down anymore, and I don't want to hide my truth away from everyone. It seems so simple while sitting here in my bed, but I know when it comes to the part telling you the truth, I'll be so scared I won't be able to speak. But I'm going to do it, or at least, I'm going to be friends with you. And together we could beat Naruto up. That would be so fun!

Smiling, I make my way out of the bed and into the bathroom, cleaning myself and spiking my hair. My body hurts a little... actually a lot, but I try to ignore it. Today is a happy day. Today I'm going to make you mine and I feel like some kind of romantic knight on a mission, a mission to bring you down. I'm glad nobody is here to see me, because I'm smiling like an idiot. I'm actually believing that you'll be mine. All we have to do is kill Itachi and then you'll move in with me and after that I'll seduce you. I smile wickedly. Today I feel utterly crazy.

I decide to dress nice for you, or well, what I think you like at least. It's not that hard. A pair of black baggy pants, a half tight black t-shirt and some different bracelets around my wrists.

Hell yeah, I look good.

Grinning, I skip out the door towards school.

You're stunning today, like every other day. For a while I just stand and let my eyes rest upon you, taking in every little part. Then you look up and our eyes meet and time stands still.

That sounded so cheesy, but that's the way it feels.


	7. Heart Beat Close

**Sick Little Suicide**

Disclaimer: Hey guys, back with a new chapter. It's longer bigger and better, just to make up for the badness from the last chapter. Hope you're going to like it, because I liked writing it. And yeah, sadly I don't own them. No warnings for this one; a little fluffy maybe.

Listening to while writing this: _Wonderwall_ – Oasis, _Little By Little _– Oasis and a lot of different songs by MxPx and The Ramones.

Thanks you to all the reviewers!

_spork ai: I really hope your going to like this chapter, there's some more talking about Gaara wearing a dress, just to make you happy! And the seduction is progressing!_

_Yaoilover S: Was your cake good? Well, hm… there's no screwing or kissing in this chapter, but there's a big progress, hope you'll like it. And the kissing while come, soon, very soooooon!_

_Vibribi the Crack bunny: Thank you so much for the helping critics, I'm trying to make them change slowly, and there is going to be more changes in the next chapter I think. Tell me if you think I'm doing it to drastic. Anyways, hope you'll enjoy!_

_Midnight-Sunset: More cuteness for you in this chapter! And thank you for telling me what AMV was, I have already downloaded a few. But I couldn't find the one with Hurt, I'd love to have it. Hope you're going to like this chapter, they're playing a little!_

_Mistress of the Sand: Hope you like this one! And I'll be waiting for you to update, if you wait for something good, you can't wait to long. Or, yeah something like that! Swedish "hear say"._

_Barby: thank you!_

_ASweetKissFromPoisonedLips: tons of sweetness ahead, hope you're going to like it!_

Chronic-fever: thank you so much! Your reviews always makes me happy.

_Saime: Loved your review, so thank you. More cute emoness from Gaara this chapter, enjoy it. And thank you so much for thinking my fic is adorable, made me smile all day!_

_-.-_

**Chapter 7, "Heart Beat Close"**

I'm trapped with twenty other students (not including you) in an overheated classroom, trying to learn stupid German verbs by singing some kind of song playing on the cassette recorder. Well I'm not singing, I promise. I'm not even pretending to. Who cares about German verbs anyway? I have you! Actually the only one singing is our crazy teacher and some of the girls who like him because they think he looks good. Well, he's not that bad, if you like wild spiky gray hair, a mysterious mask and men with odd passions for perverted books and the German language. Every lesson begins with him reading a poem or singing the German national song, which no one understands a word of.

Generally it's a poem from one of his dirty books. So, I suppose it's best that we don't understand it. The principal would kill him if she knew what kind of weird things he teaches. Singing is a daily routine too, and sometimes as a reward when he thinks we have been extra good, he does some more singing. Those rewards make me regret that I ever chose to read this language. His voice could be better, or maybe it's just that I'm not that fond of opera. But anyway... this class is perfect for dreaming.

And with all the one hundred and eighty-two butterflies I've got flying in my stomach it's not humanly possible to concentrate. I keep on repeating the scene from this morning over and over again in my head. I can't believe you asked me, and you even asked me in front of the pink haired wannabe Sakura. It's amazing, unbelievable and, ahh I can't find enough adjectives to describe how happy you made me! and nervous!

A little song starts playing in my head. It actually matches nicely with the beat from the cassette recorder, "Tonight I'm going to the movies with Sasuke-kun, Sasuke-kun, Sasuke-kun, lala...".

Yeah, that's right, you asked me to go with you to the cinema. My first reaction to your question was pure shock. With all the bad memories from yesterday I thought that you'd never talk to me again, and absolutely not hang out with me... but after collecting myself and showing off some major blushing I answered you without stuttering. Go me!

So we're going to meet after our last classes, which for me means German and you Spanish. That means I have ten more minutes left and then I get to spend the whole afternoon with you. This whole day has been like a rollercoaster... ups and downs all the time. Mostly ups actually, because I felt high ever since you asked me. It's been a lot easier ignoring Naruto and his gang today, you even told him to quit it when he was trying to trip me in the cafeteria and you gave me a small smile. Tiny small things have gotten me from almost suicidal this morning to school girl happy.

It's crazy what hormones can do to a poor teenager. We learned that today at biology. Love is only some kind of weird little thing the brains releases or something like that.

Can't blame me for not remembering. It was the only class I had with you today. So I just had to admire the back of you head for the entire lesson, and I got a nice view of your ass when you were writing something at the board.

Hey, I wasn't the only one checking you out. So was the whole female part of the class and the biology teacher, even though he's male. He must be the creepiest guy walking upon this earth, always licking his lips with his extremely long tongue. Just the licking part makes my squirm, but that's not enough, he likes to give his students nice little backrubs while leaning over and helping them with questions to. That's why everyone in this school rocks at biology. Nobody wants to need help from him.

The clock just rung, and for the first time in history I'm the first one out of the classroom, and not just that, I said "Auf Wiedersehen" to. That's a lot of German, coming from me, actually... that's a lot of words coming from me.

I smile. You're already waiting by my locker, just looking drop dead sexy. I'm glad that I actually thought about what to wear this morning, not just throwing something random on. Hope you like the "gothic look", because I'm wearing a black and white striped shirt with long sleeves that are torn in the edges to give it a slightly trashed look. The sleeves are so long that they cover up most of my hands, hiding my dirty secrets away. There's no way you'll see them. Over the striped shirt I have a black t-shirt showing of my non-existant muscles. I'm mostly skin and bone, but whatever. To this nice little outfit I have black pants and a way-too-big beanie. It keeps on sliding down over my eyes, stupid thing, but it sure looks good. It's black too, just in case someone wondered. Yeah I'm a fashion victim, but black sure as hell is the new pink.

Oh no, I spaced out in front of you! I must have been looking a bit stupid, because you're trying not to laugh. I force myself not to laugh or smile too big. Instead I just stand there, drawing circular patterns on the floor with my black converse. You have to take the first step. I have no problems with being the girl in our relationship, as long as I don't have to be the one making the moves. I'm to goddamn shy to do that.

"All set?" You ask me, forcing me to look up at you. I nod and we walk together out through the school doors. Together, side by side, our arms barely touching and with that a warm calming feelings entering my body.

I feel safe again, together with you it's no problem ignoring all the looks we get from the "cool crowd". They stare at you like you've gone crazy, walking beside the freak. Inside I just want to grab your hand and show them: we belong together. But that might not be the right thing to do. We walk in a nice silence until suddenly I remember. Temari's dinner at seven. Damn, I can't come with you to the movies.

The look she gave me this morning, like she actually cared but was too tired to show it. I care about you so much, but Temari is my sister. I thought I hated her, but last night changed something. I'm tired of facing my dad alone, and I think he broke something inside her too. Maybe she's ready to make at least a tiny change. Because I think I'm ready to maybe, just maybe let her know, that even though she's a stupid bitch who's to full of herself, she's a part of me, and I don't want to lose her, like we lost our mother.

"Sasuke", I grab hold of your arm to catch you attention, because as usual I talk low and shaky. As soon as you stop, I remove hand. Now it's time to tell you and kill the tiny hope for friendship I had. Okay, I'm exaggerating a little, but that's the way it feels. Now I have to start talking. You're staring at me, making me blush.

" I just remembered..." The first word is a bit hard but then it flows, "I promised Temari to be home at seven. She's cooking dinner, and yeah, I kinda promised, and I forgot that this morning. I'm so sorry, maybe we could do the movies another day?" The last words I say so fast, so I wonder if you caught them. At first you look disappointed, but then a light starts to spread over your face, like you realized something good. I knew it. You didn't like me after all, and now your happy, you don't have to drag me along to the cinema.

"That's okay. We could catch the early movie if we hurry, and if you like to, after you went home to eat and all that, you could spend the night at my place? Itachi's gone all weekend and we can do whatever we want!" You smile while saying all this, but blush a little too, small shades of red, making you look so sweet.

What the hell! I think I've died and gone to heaven. Spend the night at your place? Watch you sleep? That's like a dream come true! And the part about "doing whatever we wanted" I do hope you're thinking about the same things as I am... Bad, bad Gaara, dirty thoughts. Mentally I scold myself before I turn my attention back to you.

"Sounds like tons of fun"

I'm such a dork. Can't even speak normal teenage language.

"Great, but we have to hurry or else we'll miss the bus" You grab my hand and drag me along down the street towards the bus stop, where the big yellow bus is waiting. We make it just in time, but I don't care. You gave me a piece of heaven while holding my hand like that.

The bus is so full, I'm scared it might break. All the seats are taken and there are people everywhere. I hate being in crowded places like this, it makes me claustrophobic. You're not holding my hand anymore. I wish you where. But okay then... on the other hand, I'm standing so close to you. I can almost feel you breathing. Our ride is going to take at least twenty minutes and I'm going to die if we have to stand all that way. For a brief second I fantasize about laying my head on you shoulder and leaning onto you, but that's nothing but a dream.

The bus takes a sharp turn and I loose my balance. God really must hate me because instead of falling onto you and making it a really romantic moment, I have to fall onto the knee of a sour looking lady of around forty. She shrieks and acts all hysteric, and I blush like crazy and you're not helping by laughing. Right now, I'm regretting ever being born. I can't get up. The bus twists and turns and the lady doesn't help at all.

God, get me out of this, please.

Thankfully, my silent prayer helps. You reach out and drag me up, causing me to crash into you. Yes I said I'm clumsy. I can't help it. You still have a small smile playing on your lips after your little laughing attack and instead of removing myself from you, I stay close. I'll blame it on the crowded bus. Actually, I don't think I have to blame it on anything, because you don't seem to mind at all. Well, it's not like I'm molesting you or anything. I'm just standing _heart beat close _to you.

It's getting hot in the bus. All this people makes the air thick to breath and I feel my head starting to ache. Damn, I'm over reacting to everything. Talk about being girly. You don't seem to dislike the crowded hot bus at all. But I do (just to complain a little more while I'm at it) My back is hurting from the standing. Inside my head I do a little "I'm five years old and spoiled" thing, while thinking "I Want To Sit Down NOW."

Finally, a man removes himself from a seat to walk off the bus. Before anyone else reacts you place yourself on the seat. At first I feel a little offended, but that feeling disappears instantly when you pull me down so that I'm sitting in your lap. This feels way better then my accident with the wacko lady. We are getting stares from all the people around us, especially from the girls sitting a couple seats away. They have been checking you out all the time and now they're disappointed. Their dream prince is acting all gay.

The thought of you dressed like a prince in those puffy short pants from the middle ages makes me laugh a little. Even you, gorgeous Sasuke-kun, would look ridiculous in those kind of pants. And with a little golden crown on your head… It would be perfect!

"What are you laughing at?", you almost whisper into the back of my neck, causing me to get goose bumps all over my body.

"You as a prince in golden clothes", I manage to say between suppressed giggling attacks. It's funny you know, I can't help it, I'm not just clumsy and angsty but I have bad humor, too. Could it possible be worse?

To my surprise, you seem to find the thought a little amusing too.

"That's funny. I was just thinking about you in a dress.", you say it in a calm casual tone but there are hints of curiosity and laughter hiding beneath the surface like you're actually wondering what I think about it. I must admit your words surprise me, and stops my giggling fits, you thought about me, Yay! That's good! Any minute now we'll be kissing and making out. Well, that was my imagination running wild. I have to learn to control it because I'm getting these sexy pictures in my head of you and me doing forbidden things in the back of the bus. Not dirty forbidden things, just sweet ones like kissing. I'm obsessed with the thought of kissing you.

"A dress huh, was I looking good?"

I can't believe I just asked that. I must be insane. You're going to find me all disgusting and weird.

"Kinda", you murmur, surprising me a lot.

Don't do that. I can't focus. You murmuring is just too much for my little boy heart. The bus saves me by stopping where we're going to get off, just outside the cinema.

It seems like all the people are getting off at this stop, that's just our luck. After an eternity we're out. And as soon as I feel the "fresh" city air, my headache fades a little.

That went well, didn't it? I survived a whole bus ride talking to you and even making jokes. Man, soon I'll be a normal teenager if we're going to carry on hanging out like this, witch I hope we'll do.

"Hey Gaara" As usual I zoned out. You must be thinking I do drugs or something.

"Yeah", I answer, pretending that I wasn't lost in my head at all.

"Well, I was asking you which movie you wanted to see, but you seemed to find the trashcans over there more interesting, so I chose for you. Hope you don't mind, but we'll be seeing 'The Grudge'". You have your little almost smile while saying all that, so I decide you're not mad at me.

"Fine by me. I like horror movies, but now I really have to go to the bathroom". Oh great, you'll find that mildly interesting that I need to pee. I rock at conversation. Fuck that. Our nice talk in the bus… That was just a one shot. I wonder if there are any books about talking normal to your future boyfriend to be. If there is, I need them badly.

"I'll come with you.", you say. And we make our way to the bathroom. It's still early so there's no queue at all. After finishing my business I walk out to where the sinks are to find you staring at your reflection in the mirror.

"What's wrong?", I ask while walking up beside you and washing my hands.

Your gaze changes from the mirror to my eyes, staring at them and making me feel a little uncomfortable.

"Could you line my eyes like that? They're beautiful…" It's such an odd question coming from you so it takes me a couple of seconds to understand. I know I'm slow, but that's the way I work And indirectly you said my eyes, or well the eyeliner around my eyes were beautiful. That's the first compliment I ever received I think.

"Sure! You'd look really nice in it". Can you believe it! I dared to give you a compliment and got a smile in return.

"But the lighting is bad in here, it's easier to do it out in the ticket room or else there's a slight risk you'll get eyeliner all over the place, and that isn't so nice". I smile nervously. It's the first time I've ever put eyeliner on someone else.

When we open the bathroom door out to the ticket room, we're greeted by the sounds of _Oasis Wonderwall_, and at the exact same time we both say "I love this song.".

"You do?" You ask me, sounding like you really couldn't think that.

You continue your question by adding:

"I thought you were more into punk and that kind of music?"

"Um, err… well… I like tons of bands and music, and Wonderwall is one of my little secrets. Usually I don't admit liking it, so be happy I did". I answer, blushing a little, the truth is, I like tons of songs by Oasis, but it's nothing I walk around talking about.

You sit down on one of the benches and I reach down into my bag for my eyeliner. It takes a while to find it, but I know it's there. I always keep a spare one there, just in case. My trembling fingers touch one of the razorblades I also keep there, to be safe. But today I won't need them, and it feels so good knowing I'm going to spend all day with you. I'm not going to let anyone destroy that for me.

I find the eyeliner, but I'm starting to get second thoughts. This is going to be hard. What if I stick the eyeliner into your eyes! That would be so embarrassing.

"Okay, you ready"? I ask.

You nod, looking just a little nervous.

"I promise, I'll try not to kill you", I say in a weak attempt to calm you down.

This is something I've dreamt about forever. The skin on your face is just as soft as I thought it would be, and I get to brush your bangs aside. Just a little thing like that makes my inside flip. The moment feels magical, and I want it to last as long as possible. I notice that the people around us are staring a lot, and they're not even discrete about it. A couple of boys looking our ages, even call out something that sounds like "fucking faggots". To my amusement you give them the finger as I continue painting thin lines around your eyes. When I'm finished I admire my work. Just as I thought, you look hot as hell.

"So?" You catch my attention, stopping me from drifting away.

"Look for yourself." I point at one of the mirrors hanging on the wall.

"Whoa, it's awesome!" You turn around after looking in the mirror. "Thank you so much!"

"You're welcome", I mumble. I really have to force myself not to drown in your eyes, they're even deeper now, lined with black.

"Oh shit, the clock's three. The film begins now!" You grab my hand and lead me towards the salon. And again I'm in heaven. I love it when you touch me. We find our places in the back and sit down. it's one of those "make out" couches. Sadly, you let go of my hand when we've found our places. I wish I dared to lean onto you.

.-

**Sasuke's POV:**

I can't believe I'm sitting here with you beside me, so close I can feel the warmth from your body. The whole day has been amazing. Having you around is the best thing ever. When your fingers touched my face, I thought I was going to die, or at least faint.

I love looking into your eyes. They're the most fantastic greenish color I've ever seen.

Someday I'm going to tell you that, and that I love you.


	8. Not Much, But Just Enough

**Sick Little Suicide**

Disclaimer: Hi guys, sorry for the long wait. And all I have to give to you is a crappy chapter. I reread this one like four times, but the thing is; There are something that I just don't know how to write them in English, like when it should be to or too. So please survive that, and stay with me. Next chapter is going to contain some kissing, so it's going to be worth waiting for, promise. About this chapter, it's mostly a filler chapter. I have such a major writers block, I'm forcing the words to come out, so the text isn't flowing. I decided to post it anyway, or else I'm never going to get out of the block. And yeah, I don't own any of the characters.

Big thank you to everybody who reviewed!

_Yaoilover S:_ Thanks, not much happening in this chapter, just a little holding hands. You know, they take it slow. smiles Hope you'll like it anyway!

_spork ai_: Thanks, love your reviews and your stories. Motivates me to continue this one! About german teachers, are they all crazy? Some more gaara/sasuke cutness for you in this chapter! They're holding hands… by the way, can't wait for your next update. Your story so rocks!

_ASweetKissFromPoisonedLips_: Thank you! You listen to Lit, they rock so much, Oasis to! Just one band mentioned in this chapter, but I think you like them actually! If you don't, then… give them a new try, 'cause they're awesome!

_Martinique_: thanks for all the good pointers, as soon as I read your review I went back and re did last chapter and added the quotation marks. About my "mistakes", I know them far to well. I just don't know what's right. I guess a beta reader would be good, where do I find those? Anyway, thanks for reading the story. I'm afraid I made the characters even more unrealistic in this chapter…

_Midnight-Sunset_: sorry it took me so long to update. But thanks for all the positive words about my story, they made me so happy! And you have to send that AMV next time we talk!

_Chakranoir_: thanks, thanks, thanks! I'm so glad you like my story, and I really love talking to you on msn and stuff! You just rawk! smiles

_chronic-fever: _THANKS!

_Mistress of the Sand_: I did it again, it just took a while.

_Beautiful Dreamer1_: thank you so much, glad you liked it!

_chibi-tsurara-59_wow, under your favourites. That makes me happy; I try to correct all the typos. But sometimes I miss them, sorry!

On with the story:

**Chapter 8: Not Much, But Just Enough.**

By now darkness surrounds me, it's nice. I love the dark, in it no one can see me blushing or making a fool out of myself. I try to make myself comfortable in the sofa without disturbing you to much and after finding a nice position I glance sideways at you. Your eyes are stuck on the big screen absorbed by the film. That's god, it gives me time to remember every single part of you face, well the little I see of it in the darkness of course.

Around me there are crunches and other less nice sounds coming from the people eating popcorns and such. We forgot about that while rushing in, but frankly I don't care. I'm content with sitting here beside you, letting my thoughts drift away. Yeah, I can't concentrate on the movie; I look at it without seeing what's happening. Hope you don't mind me not contributing to a discussion about the film later on. I could tell you about how many times during the first twenty minutes I wanted to have your arms around me, or when everybody screamed how much I wanted to curl up in your knee, or why not how much I wished you'd lean in and kiss me. And that's just during the first twenty minutes; I could make the list drag on forever and ever.

I yawn and whit out thinking I lean my head on you and make myself comfortable. If you dislike it, you'll have to push me away because I'm not planning on moving myself anytime soon. To my pleasure you make it even more comfortable by putting your arm around me, so my head rests on your chest. Sure, I don't see much of the screen now, but do I look like I give a fuck?

This is heaven, paradise, call it what you want, because it's just plain nice. It is what it must be like to be liked by someone, to care and to be cared for. I'm almost sure that you feel something for me, or else you wouldn't do this. It's not like I'm going to ask you about how you feel, that would just be messing whit it, I'll let time pass and see what happens. Okay, that's the easiest way, but who said the hard way is the best way?

Sometimes I'm just so stupid, having these little talks inside my head. Wonder if you have them to? Maybe everybody has? I feel myself drifting away a little, you're so soft and nice to use as a pillow. I just want to sleep away my life whit you. Waking up in your arms and then falling asleep again. Even if this could be true somewhere in between I guess I have to solve all my problems.

There are a lot of them, it's not the cutting that's the biggest problem, it's the issues that lies behind the cutting that makes me hurt myself. If we're going to have a future together, I'll have to go trough the pain of telling you about my fucked up past and present. I didn't use to hate my dad, I used to play and smile. Maybe not at school there I have always been the weird one, but at least at home I was loved. Can you believe it, Temari even stuck up for me in school back then, before heaven came tumbling down and crushed everything, making home a living hell. See my mother died, a normal death, she got hit by a car and the people on the hospital couldn't save her. It could happen to any family and most families would have survived it, but not mine.

My dad couldn't take loosing his perfect beautiful wife, the one who took care of everything to him. She cooked, cleaned, served him and kept his children in clean clothes. And now she left him alone whit all of that, so he turned his angers towards me and my siblings, stupid fucker. I never actually loved him, he was never around so he never gave me the chance to learn to, but hating him didn't take long to learn. Piece for piece he broke us down and teared us apart. He wasn't satisfied whit us hating him, he made us hate each others to. It was never okay to cry or to be weak, to ask for a hug.

Everything I did was wrong, if I talked, if I moved, if I failed, if I sometimes succeeded, it didn't matter he'd yell at me. I was to ugly, to stupid, to smart for myself or to clumsy. He picked me apart, made me scared of myself. I got used to all his bad words, I let them sink in and they became apart of me. So simply, I started to hate myself just as much as I hate him. And I hated Temari for she wasn't clumsy, ugly and bad at school. She hated me because usually it was me that got my dad to start screaming. And somewhere in between was Kankouro, trying to avoid getting yelled at by telling dad about all the things me and Temari did. Ten thousands of small things added up to one gigantic spinning ball of emotions, mostly hatred and one day it just hit the wall. It was official; there was no longer any love inside the four walls of our house. You cared for your self, and only for your self. It made me break down over and over again, revolting against everything. We all reacted differently, Temari chose to be perfect in everything and Kankouro. I don't know about him, but god damn in, somewhere inside the thick head of his, I think he cares. Maybe it doesn't sound so bad at all, I know there are kids all over the world that lives under far worse conditions, still I wish. No I don't wish, there is no use wishing. It's to late going back and changing, all there is left is changing what we have now. Man, that was deep. I smile, my little trip down memory lane lasted for a while.

There is a lot of things I regret, and a lot of thing that needs to be corrected, but somehow whit you by my side, it may be possible. I could tell you about the demons haunting me, about the guilt that plagues me for never helping Temari out in the house when we were younger. She took all the responsibilities my mom had and still she built a life for her self, that's more then what I succeeded whit. I could tell you how much I need someone to hug me and tell me I'm not so bad at all, that way everything would be a little brighter. Not perfect, but liveable.

A sudden movement from you, jerks me completely back to reality. All thoughts of the past are erased in a blink of an eye. Softly you apologise for waking me. It's so sweet, you thought I was sleeping, how adorable. I feel my inside go all gooey, and I just want to be close to you. Instead of throwing myself all over you I mumble something in response and snuggle close to you again, as close as I dear to that is. I'm not bother with watching the rest of the movie; instead I listen to your heart beating. It's funny, I can hear when there is something intense going on on the screen, your heart beats faster then.

I yawn and stretch, the movie is over and we're getting ourselves up. As usual everybody is trying to get out in the same time, a bit hysterical yes, but we survive getting out. The light outside hits my eyes, it's still daylight and it blinds me for a second. It feels a bit surreal to leave the safety of the cinema because inside, it's like another special world. I can't believe that I just seconds ago where resting on you. And now, I'm nervous again. This is reality, and there is now darkness to cover up what I feel.

Sasukes POV

At first when you laid you head on my shoulder I was ready to jump like a meter up in the air. You surprised med a lot, but soon I found myself enjoying it a little too much. Don't ask me what the movie was about, I missed like half of it, trying to decide if I should stroke the hair in your neck or not. I ended up not doing it, to bad; your hair seems to be so soft. It smells a little like strawberries, wonder what shampoo you use?

But now when we're not covered by the darkness of the cinema anymore, it's a lot harder to interact. Sometimes I wish I just could blare it out, I like you and I want you. How hard can it be? Sure, by now I know that you feel something, and you'd better know that I feel something. Or else you're as blind as, as blind as, as blind as like one of those moles that live all their lives underneath the earth. We learnt about them in biology, well in biology we learn about like everything a person needs to not know. Everything but telling someone that you love them.

The silence is starting to get annoying; I have to say something soon. You're looking little and nervous again, I want you to be calm around med. Instinctively I reach out and nudge you hand, asking for permission to hold it. I hold my breath waiting for your reaction. A surprised little smile plays on your lips and then you lace your fingers with mine. I breath out, it worked. You look a lot happier now; your face is no longer emotionless like it is in school. Booth you and me bear those masks, hiding our insides and emotions away.

In a cloud of exhaustions the yellow bus arrives. This time we're lucky, it's almost empty. All the way trough the bus to our seats in the back I hold your hand. The lady bus driver even gave us a sweet smile, when she saw our entwined hands. I love people like that, who are open minded and accepts all types of people. And I even decided I liked her so much, that I gave her a smile. I don't even think you saw her smile, you're eyes are lost somewhere out in the blue, leaving you with a cute spaced out expression. For so long, every expression I have seen on you, you've looked good in them. Even when you were on the verge of tears yesterday you manage to stay beautiful.

Most of the bus ride we spend in silence, chit chatting a little about everything and nothing. Music mostly, we have a lot of favourite bands in common witch is great. I can really see us making out listening to Silverchair.

Gaaras POV/ Normal POV

It's so easy talking to you, I don't stutter, hell I haven't blushed the last five minutes either. It's like a miracle. You make me so much more sure of myself, I feel like I'm actually worth something. You're listening to me, paying attention to my opinions and caring about them. Your hand in my hand, it was just so perfect. The small blush on your cheeks when you meet my eyes trough the strands of you fringe, it was magical. Guess I'm a hopeless romantic. It's those small details that make my day, like the way your thumb keeps stroking the upside of my hand in gentle reassuring circles. Even though we are seated beside each other you haven't let go. Your hand is soft and warm; I've always though you'd have cold hands. I don't know why, it's just my stupid mind.

"Sasuke", I bite my lip, thinking about how to continue, "if you want to, you could follow me to my place, and eat with us and then I'll follow you back". I blush and lower my eyes; it feels so weird talking about hanging out like that.

"Yeah, I'd love to" Your voice is so happy and enthusiastic; I can't help but to smile. You're so different from back in school, so much more alive. And I like this side of you even more. The bus halts just a block away from my house and we get off, still holding hands. I've been holding your hand for half an hour now, and I wish it could last forever and ever and ever. My mind trails of somewhere in neverland, where the angels sing and the sun shines.

"Gaara"

"Yeah, what?"

"I don't know where to go, and you're staring of into space and I'm quit sure you don't live there." You laugh a little, probably at my surprised look.

"Oh, sorry" Insert a small blush from me, and a tiny smile. "It's this way, I was just daydreaming, I tend to do that a lot." The second I realize I mentioned my daydreams, I regret it and start walking in the direction towards my house in a fast pace. It's just, it's hard walking while holding someones hand, and that someone isn't moving. You stop my little runaway and turn me towards you.

"Daydreams, about what?" You raise an eyebrow and tilt your head to the side while smiling in a very very bad way.

I sweat drop, how the hell do I answer that? I could do the straight forward thing and just say you, our lie and make up some history about all my daydreams. God damn it, by know you're able to guess what it is.

"Just things" I say and trail of, avoiding your eyes and smiling inside my head, that was the best I could think off.

"Yeah right, things…" You give me a somewhat foxy grin, very unlike you but still cute. It's like you see right trough me and know what I actually was thinking about.

"Come on, let's go" You start walking in the direction I pointed out before and pull me along. Soon we find each others walking rhythm and time fly by and we reach my house. I thought I'd be nervous by now, but it feels okay bringing you home. It's not like dad's home, Temari's actually a pretty good cook, and Kankouro he's just stupid, I have nothing to worry about, I think.

I open our green door and pull both of us inside, just to be greeted by a happy looking wide smiling Temari. I freeze the second I see her, she's up to something bad. She hasn't smiled like that, since we were little having tickling fights.

"Hi guys, I say you two walking down the street and you looked just so super cute. Dinner's ready soon, hope you like spaghetti and meatballs Sasuke-kun? Anyway, just come in." She smiles even wider and winks at me, that little bitch. I feel myself turn red, but you don't seem to mind my sisters hints at all. She walks away in the direction of the kitchen, calling to us to come there when we were "ready".

We let go of each others hands, not that I want to, but untying shoes with one hand is a bit hard. It's weird having you around, it's like I see everything with new eyes. The dust underneath the sofa, the newspapers witch are thrown everywhere and Kankuros pants that of some reason unknown to me is draped over the television. I promise if it wasn't for you, I hadn't seen it. To make up for the mess I give you a little smile, hoping you don't mind the slight chaos that seems to have taken over my house. Usually the house is quite clean; it's just today that is an exception. And it hade to be today, the only day I ever brought a friend home. I really love the on up their who controls everything, he rocks at playing with my life.

We arrive in the kitchen and my lovely wonderful absolutely adorable big brother is sitting there whit his even more fantastic girlfriend, and just I suspected he isn't wearing his pants. He looks more than surprised and just a little embarrassed when he sees you, finally some other person then me is blushing. Temari's just giggling and cooking, and "what's her name" is staring at you, practically drooling. My family is crazy, can't help but to love them… and where did that come from? It's not possible to change so much over a night, is it?

I'm scaring myself, to many mixed emotions in one time. I decide to put them away for now, instead I show you one of the chairs and we sit down. Mentally I prepare myself for the most terrible dinner ever, with Temari looking like that, you can never know.

But actually it's close to nice, sure Temari pokes me underneath the table, smiles at me, giving me all kind of very obvious signals that she knows/and wants to know more about what's going on with Sasuke. I ignore her as much as possible, eat my food and glance at you. You don't talk much, but way more then what you do in school around Narutos table. No one dies of the food, and as soon as you're ready I grab your hand and rush you out of the kitchen, thanking Temari and telling her I'll be back tomorrow. She replies something, and I stay behind motioning for you to continue walking up the stairs.

"Little brother", She grins in a very psycho manner. I'd better run away!

"Yes sister!" I manage to stop my sudden urge for running away and instead I try to sound as calm as possible and surprisingly it works, she stops smiling psycho and I relax a little.

"How the hell did you manage to get the sexiest boy in the whole school? For once her voice isn't hard or angry, it's full of laughter and joy and just a little jealousy.

"You'd better lend me some of that eyeliner of yours, or else… I'm going to tickle you until you scream in a really girlie way, and your little Sasuke prince is going to have come save you".

I can do nothing but smile, it's the old Temari who is back and what's more, she's accepting me liking boys. For the second time this day I act whit out thinking, I lean forward and give her a little quick hug whispering a small thank you. And then I turn and run upstairs with her chasing me and giggling. We just built the first small bridges to a new family. It doesn't seem like much, but inside it feels like I've got a brand new life and I think Temari feels the same.


	9. Breaking All The Rules When We Get Toget...

**Sick Little Suicide**

Disclaimer. Hey, back with a new chapter, just pure fluffiness! And guess what, I got someone to beta read my chapters. YAY, big thank you to violinistBAKA. And she's says hi, down there. :points at the place where violinstBAKA has written: . Anyway, I'm so grateful and hope you like this chapter. The review thank yous are at the bottom instead, just so you know! And yeah, I almost forgot, don't own the Naruto characters or any of the bands or songs mentioned trough out the story.

ViolinistBAKA : eeee! I beta this fic now and so... I get to read every chapter of this before you people! Muahahaha!

**Chapter 9: Breaking All The Rules When We Get Together.**

Silently I open the door to be greeted by the soft tunes of Grey Daze. It takes about two seconds before I recognize the song "_Just Like Heroin (a little down)_". One of my favorites, and apparently yours too. You haven't noticed me yet, standing with your back against me, going through my cds. In some odd way you fit in my room. It's natural seeing you there even though it's the first time you've been in it. And hopefully not the last, I ad mentally while catching your attention by stepping into the room. You jump just a little, startled, like I caught you doing something forbidden. Oh, how I wish we did forbidden things in here.

"You've got great cds". You say, trying to hide your previous reaction in a smooth way. I can't help but to smile at you. Guess you're a bit nervous about being in my room like this. There's so much I want to learn about you. In school you're cold as ice, but alone like this you have a thousand different sides. You hide and you show. You listen and you talk, and most of all you confuse me more than anything else. I want to know every single angle of you, to dry you tears and make you smile. I want so much, but wanting never helps if you're too scared to do anything.

I could jump you right here. Push you down onto the bed and kiss you oh so sweetly.

There's just one very big problem with that. I have no clue about how to kiss someone! The tongue thing just seem so strange. I tried to watch the way they do it in movies, but that just felt so stupid… and I didn't learn a thing. Some say you could practice on a tomato. As if I'm going to kiss a vegetable. So, there'll be no pushing you around right now. Kissing is a later problem …or maybe it's not a problem at all. Who knows what you actually feel? What if you're just playing with me? It could be a stupid prank by idiot Naruto. A way to make me feel more miserable.

That's me in a nutshell, always seeing everything as negative as possible. There's no way I could reverse the thoughts and think: "of course Sasuke-kun likes me and wants me. He's just shy, too." And now I'm rambling again. Go me.

"Thanks", I mumble. Why can't I be like everybody else? Talkative as hell, practically bursting with great fun things to say.

–"So, do I need to bring something special, or just normal sleepover stuff?" I ask, wondering what the heck normal sleepover stuff is.

"Just bring something to sleep in and your toothbrush. We have extra pillows and such so don't worry about that". You smile reassuringly at me, like I was see through and you just saw all the thoughts running through my head.

–"Okay", I nod and start to panic, thinking about if it's normal to sleep in a long sleeved t-shirt, and if it's geeky or not to bring pajama pants. Finally I decide I'm a freak either way so I stuff my black very long sleeved t-shirt down in my now almost empty school bag along with some black plaid pajama pants and some toilette things like my toothbrush and such. Meanwhile you're just standing there, softly banging your head to the music and following my motions.

–"I think I'm ready, shall we get going?" I break your little daze. You just nod and follow me out the door. I can't believe it. I'm on my way to my first sleepover ever!

We're out of the house walking towards your place. I wish I could say the sun is shining and the birds are chirping, but that'd be lying. The sky's kind of gray, like it's preparing a big thunderstorm. I love those storms. Usually I curl up in my window and watch the lightning dance across the sky. Sounded dramatic, huh?

Suddenly I feel your fingertips nudge mine, and for the second time that day I lace my fingers with yours. We meet eyes, and the same smile plays across our lips. Well, I think it's the same smile. Because the smile I see on your face looks like the one I feel I'm smiling. Did that made any sense at all? Anyhow, it's the sweetest smile and it makes me melt and fall in love just a little more. I know, you cannot fall in love without knowing the person inside out, but being with you makes me feel that the part missing finally is there. It's not like, just because maybe, _maybe_ you and me could be something, everything bad will go away. I'm not that naïve, but just for once in a while, I'd love to stop thinking about all the "what ifs" that my life circles around. As a matter of fact, being in love and holding your hand drowns out the rest of the world.

Your house is even bigger the second time I see it, but in some way it seems more welcoming now that I know that Itachi won't be lurking behind the door. Inside, we kick off our shoes and walk in the direction of your room. I'm tempted to ask you to give me a tour of the house, but on the other hand, maybe we'll get lost. We reach your room and I dump my bag on the floor and there's a stupid tension in the air that makes me nervous. I need to say something, or do something or else you're going to think I'm so boring.

"Want to hear some music?", you ask, breaking the silence that I couldn't.

"Yeah, sure" I smile a little and seat myself on your bed. I chose the bed because it's the only thing to sit on in the room, actually I think it's to be used as a sofa, I mean it's in front of the TV so that must be it. Stupid, stupid thoughts. Who cares if it's a sofa or not? It's not like you're going to kill me for sitting on you bed. I sigh and lean against the wall, pulling my legs up so they too are on the bed. I concentrate on you to stop myself from drifting away. Your bed is way too comfortable to have as a sofa. You seem to search for a special cd or something, not that I mind… you're just as nice from behind as from the front. Hmm… maybe I like the front a little more. Oh my, that sounded dirty...

Finally you find the cd you were searching for and pop it in the player, soon the room is filled with the tunes of _Something Corporate_. I recognize the song, but I can't name it. It's beautiful though, really soft and sweet, a bit like a make out song. Oh no…Wait a minute… make out song!… Did I just think that? I can't do that! My throat goes dry and I feel the butterflies re-enter the stage, this time in millions instead of thousands.

"Is the music okay?". You ask and place yourself on the bed, not next to me but close enough.

"Yeah, it's beautiful". I feel my cheeks burn and you haven't even tried to touch me yet. Probably it's just my mind going crazy, and nothing's going to happen. Nothing but me blushing like crazy, showing of shades of red never before seen. I bite my tongue in an attempt to calm myself. Well I can tell you… It didn't help. It just added some pain to the awkward moment and I bet it made me look ridiculous, grimacing like that.

Why, why dear god, haven't I read a book about these kind of situations? It's now or never… your hand stops my more and more hysteric chain of thoughts. For a moment I stare at our hands, the way they fit perfectly together. Like yin and yang, sweet and salt, white and black, like the way you and me become we. Slowly I meet your eyes, scared to death over what I'm going to see there, and terrified over what's going to happen next. Could it be that the thing I dreamt about for so long is finally going to happen?

I swallow hard and open my eyes. Then I closed them. I didn't dare to meet your eyes all the way. You're closer now. Closer then you were before. Close, closer, the closest…

Probably the wrong way to bend that verb, but my heart's thumping so fast that I can feel the beat in my ears and my mind's racing. I can almost feel your breath across the skin of my cheeks, and still you refuse to break our eye contact. Our shoulders are touching and, and I don't know what to do.

It's fucking surreal. This isn't happening. You, school's pretty boy number one, shouldn't be so near school's outcast number one. It's the rules god damn it! You can't break the laws of nature. I feel like running away and staying at the same time. I'm so scared that I'll do something wrong. What if I disgust you?

Softly and sweetly your lips brush against mine, just a quick little peck but enough to start a chain reaction in my body. I feel my cheeks burn and as fast as I can I move away from you, making a look of hurt shade your face. It's chaos around me. I can have the only thing I want, it's so close and so real, yet I moved away… Why?

"Sasuke", my voice is barely over a whisper and I tremble nervously, but I have to explain that I don't want you to hate me. So what if you're going to laugh at me? I'll have to take that. Once again I breathe in deeply, trying to calm myself. –"I, I, I don't know how to…". I trail off, avoiding your eyes and feeling myself burn up from the inside.

I don't think I've ever been as embarrassed like this. You're just quiet, not saying a thing. It's not fair! Here I am crawling before you and you don't even say something. What the hell! Angrily I glance up to you, and I melt. A small blush is lingering on your cheeks and a sweet smile is gracing your lips. Your lips that actually touched mine. How freaking awesome is that?

"It's okay. You don't have to know how… I do". With that you lean in once again, and I think I just died. Did you say those words. It's unbelievable, can't be true, Oh my God, I mean the words… "I do"… That's almost like dirty. Whoa, now there's no more thinking… just feeling. And it feels nice, at first it's just little kiss, no tongue involved at all, then I feel your other hand, the one that isn't holding mine, around my hip, pulling me a little closer, if that was still possible.

We're not even inches apart. Our faces are touching and our breaths mixing and it's so much better then any daydream I've ever had. You kiss me again. This time longer and a little more intense and then suddenly our tongues have met. Of course I have to mess it up, clumsy as I am, our teeth collide making a little sound. But you just smile and continue kissing me. It's not hard and hungrily like the way they kiss in movies, it's just soft and sweet… and perfect.

When you break away, I promise I can feel my eyes go all heart shaped and shining. You smile and place a little kiss on my cheek, which makes me blush again. I lean my head on your shoulder and close my eyes. This is just too perfect to be true. We both listen to the song playing, caught up in a moment of total peace. There's no words needed to say what we feel. It's too obvious, stating it in words would just make it unreal. An eternity flies by with you playing with my fingers and singing the words to the songs in a barely audible voice. You must really like the band, knowing the words like that.

"Sasuke" I mumble, almost half asleep. "What time is it?" I continue with my sleepy voice, all the nervousness from before is gone, for now.

You glance around looking for a clock. -"Around eight I think, how come?" you answer when not finding a clock. –"Well, they're showing "_The Nightmare Before Christmas_" on TV at eight, and it's kind of fun, so… if you want to see it, could we?" Again I feel stupid, you probably don't like movies like that.

**Thank You:s**

_spork ai: _I'm just as ecstatic when you update, it's so fun. I really hope you liked this chapter, more cuteness from both of them. And thanks for the info about beta readers, I'm so happy I found one! Please update your story soon, and I'll try to update this as soon as possible again. But it could be a while though, we have so much things in school to do. School sucks! I'll have orochimaru destroy it.

_chakraNoir: _thank you, thank you! Glad you liked it so much, hope you'll enjoy this one too, a little sasuke/gaara action. And you know that link to the video thingies you sent me, they were awesome! So thanks again!

_ASweetKissFromPoisonedLips: _Aw, thank you so much. Glad you liked it so much, hope you like this one too. You made me really happy with your last review. So, did you like Silverchair? I think they're amazing, the singers has a really unique voice. And I'm going to look up that song from NIN, is it any good?

_ViolinistBAKA: _Haha. My favorite beta reader. Hope you don't hate me for stalking you with e-mails. But I am you forever grateful! So THANK YOU!

_Yaoilover S:_ thanks, more Sasuke being just a little dirty for you in this chapter. Hope you liked it.

_Fantastical Queen Ebony Black_: thank you so much for your reviews, they really ment a lot. Nice having people caring even if you don't know them. Hope you enjoyed this chapter too.

_Midnight-Sunset: _I'm not dead yet, but i'll soon be if they don't stop giving me so much homework. Anyhow, hope you liked this chapter!

_Mistress of the Sand: _Aw, thanks.

_kawaii kitsune-kun: _Yeah, gaara is the most adorable thing ever. Thanks for the review.

_Chronic-fever: _Wasn't ment to make you cry, hope this chapter makes you smile!

_Kokuei no Onchuu:_ hope you're gonna love this chapter too!

_Littleanikaze: _yay, I updated!

_Scapegoat: _All those good adjectives for me, thank you so much! Hope you'll enjoy this chapter just as much. You review really made my day, so big thank yous!


	10. On and On About You and The Things You S...

Sick Little Suicide

Disclaimer: Heyloz, first off I don't own the Naruto characters. Why do I have to write that anyway, everybody knows this is fanfiction either way. There's not so much going on in this chapter, but in the next one things will be happening. I think, we will have a plot progression. YAY! Until then you have to stand this chapter. And BIG thank you to ViolinstBAKA for the beta reading.

ViolinistBAKA : agh. Sorry this took so long to Beta read...I still have the flu AND a fever...god...It's been a WEEK...finish up already!

Flu : Neverr:sticks out it's tongue:

**Chapter 10 : On And On About You And The Things You Say.**

"Sure", you say. But instead of pulling yourself up from the bed and walking away to turn the stereo off, as I expected you to do, you lean in and brush my lips with yours, making shivers run down my spine. You pull away just enough for me to see the little smile playing around the corners of your lips. I've never seen you smile this much before. I stopped counting them back at the bus. But smiling suits you, you don't smile those big toothy grins, it's more like little and perfect. O my, I'm sounding love sick.

Suddenly I regret not speaking before. Maybe I should have said how much I like you. What if you didn't understand it?

"Gaara", you murmur in my ear, breaking my train of thoughts and making goose bumps appear everywhere on my body as your breath tickles the sensitive skin around my ears.

"Mmm", I mutter in response, momentarily lost for words. Your body heat so close and those butterfly kisses down my neck make me lose my breath. They are a little too much for a just recently kissed for the very first time, insecure emo boy like myself. So I scoot away just a tiny bit, leaving a few inches of dark blue cloth between us. Inside my head those few inches grow until they resemble the Grand Canyon. Are you going to dislike me now? I just didn't, ah...I don't know why I moved, it felt nice and all, but...but what? "GAARA!" I scream in my head. "Did you get scared!" A mocking voice enters the clouded realm that's supposed to be my brain. Damn, I'm becoming schizophrenic, hearing voices... and I just noticed you're staring at me, looking mildly bewildered.

I look down on my hands resting in my lap, instead of meeting your eyes. How the hell am I going to talk my way out of this one? I fiddle a little with my fingers, practically hearing the seconds tick by. Somebody needs to break the silence. "And that somebody is you" the idiotic voice says inside my head. Ironically it sounds a bit like Naruto. Guess devils talk alike.

"I'm sorry", your sweet voice forces me to look up and meet your eyes. You don't look as hurt as I thought you'd look, you look more like you're ashamed or something.

"I didn't mean to go too fast or hurt you. You're just so cute", and with those words you blush and look away. A smile spreads across my face. You're too good to be true. It really is like you could read my thoughts. I didn't have to explain or anything. And you said I'm cute! A tiny part inside me acts like a rabid fangirl and squeals.

"It's okay, I mean I liked it and well..." I trail off, I said I liked it. Oh.. my god... that's just, weird. I must be blushing so much that you now longer can tell the difference between my hair and my skin color. Not that you see much of my hair though, the beanie hides it away pretty well.

"Hey, calm down, you're looking like you're about to explode, and I don't want that", you say.

Looking like I'm about to explode! What the fuck? Most probably true... but I still don't like you telling me that. I pout at you but can't help but laugh when I see your expression. It's so hilarious that I might die. I think you just realized that you practically called me a nearly exploding steam engine. You burst into laughter too, and soon we're both giggling like girls.

A while later we somehow ended up in your kitchen, our little giggling attack resulted in a tickling fight and me running for my life. I have to build up some muscles or else, you'll win every time. Not that I mind having you over me or anything... I just can't seem to control those little dirty thoughts of mine.

We're both panting a little from the run, and I feel all giddy inside. It's fun playing around with you. I never thought I'd do something like that. It's hard to believe that those days admiring you from afar are over. There's no more dreaming about kissing you, no more fluffy flower covered meadows or thoughts about what you skin feels like. Because now I know, I finally know. That sounded like the ending of something big and historical, not just a simple teen crush. But I guess, for me it's really huge.

Your warm arms around me make me drop every thought I had. I don't need them right now. Having a brain in these kind of moments doesn't really help. I realized it's more about feeling than thinking. There's no need to analyze everything down to its very roots. It's better to just glide along and enjoy the ride. I grin widely at my own thoughts. I'm so weird. Anyhow, your warm breath in my neck is highly enjoyable, I tilt my head backwards a little so it rests on you chest. We stand like this for a little while, listening to each other's heartbeat. Then I turn around and face you, your arms still around me. It's dark outside and no lights are lit in the kitchen, so it's just about pitch black in here. Darkness always made me feel safe, and here with you I almost feel brave...so without thinking I tiptoe and kiss you. Quick and brief maybe, but still it wasn't you taking the first step. It was me. You hug me just a little tighter, and I'm thankful that you don't see the blush that decided to place itself on my cheeks.

A sudden thunder breaks our little daze and soon the bright almost unreal light of a lightning blends us. You grip my hand and hold it tight, and together we stare out the big kitchen window. The lightings are dancing wildly tonight, so the storm must be right above us.

"Want to go back to my room?" you ask.

"Sure, but you have to show the way, I think I forgot which way I ran" I answer and smile stupidly, not that I think you saw it, but anyway. A few seconds later we're in your room, staring silently at each other. You brought the question up about where I should sleep. I know we're both thinking the same. We're just not expressing it in words.

"What the hell. My bed's big enough for two... so if you don't mind?", you break the silence and make my heart jump in joy.

"Not at all" I reply, sounding just as dumb as usual.

You show me to one of the bathrooms, the one that's closest to your room, because I'm still afraid I'll get lost if I wander around too much. When I close the bathroom door and lock it, I sigh and slump down on the floor, resting my back against the wall. It's all happening so fast, I'm not even sure I understand it yet. It could all be a dream, one of those you really think is real thing and when you wake up you still feel all warm and cuddly until you realize you're awake. Just to test I pinch my arm and the verdict is...I'm not dreaming.

For now you and me are safe, but what will it be like when this weekend is over? When school starts again? When Itachi returns and when dad's home again? And how will you react to my little secrets? It's not like I could walk right up to you and be all "Sasuke we need to talk" , and spill my life story to you and end it with showing you my beautifully fucked up arms. They are enough to scare away anyone, and add my story to that, you most probably will scream and run for your life. "Get me away from this freak!", something like that. Or maybe it's just me being afraid of letting anyone near, could that be why I think like this? What's right and what's wrong, sometimes being me is just too confusing. I get lost inside my head. There's too much spider web and dead-end highways.

I'm such a moron, by now you must think I'm drowning in the sink. It's me, so I wouldn't be surprised if I manage to do something along the lines of that. But anyhow, I hurry up and finish with the teeth brushing, face washing, and clothes changing. The warm water around my face smudges the eyeliner really badly. Before drying it away I see my reflection in the mirror. I look like a panda bear who's about to die. What the hell do you actually see in me? I wonder. There's nothing there to like, I just look...like a freak. Way too thin, short, red haired for goodness sake, and the tattoo. I'm so far from normal that it almost hurts. Not that I regret looking like this. I'm expressing myself.

But sometimes I can't help to think... What would I look like if a grew up with friends and a loving family? Would I be like this? In some ways, yes, I think, because I never wanted to be like anyone else. Not ever, but having a different background could have changed me a little bit. Maybe my looks wouldn't be so extreme if someone just whispered an "I love you", held my hand, or just played with me. But as I said before... It's too late to change the past. Work with the future goddammit! So I sigh again and wipe away some of the blackness around my eyes. It's still there, just not the so much anymore.

I pull on my pajamas pants and realize... they look utterly stupid, but sleeping in your bed together with you without pants... a big no no. Finally I'm ready and exit the safety of the bathroom. You're already waiting, sitting cross-legged on the bed looking trough some random magazine, wearing only boxers, socks and your black t-shirt. The sight makes my tummy jolt, you're so beautiful.

You look up, smiling when you hear me enter the room. As usual I can't help but to smile back, you have that impact on me, no matter what mood I am in you bright my day. Okay, that might be wrong seeing that I'd only "known" you for like two days, but even before we got close, looking at you made my day just a tiny bit sunnier. Sure I angsted over you sometimes too, that you'd never want me, over how you're perfect and I'm not. But then again... Who doesn't have those thoughts once in a while?

See, I'm already thinking less negative then before, you're a miracle maker. It's small things like this that I'd love to be able to tell you, but never can. The words grow in my mouth until they get so big I almost choke on them. They make me stutter and blush. If I just could spill my heart out it would make it ten times easier being with you; instead I chain the words in and hide them away. To another day I say, but I know that if that another day's going to come you have to beat it out of me. Tearing down those walls of mine that I built around everything that hurts, I don't even know if it's possible. I shy away just of the thought of telling you some of my secrets, aren't relationship about trusting each others? Then why am I weird like his? I want to be able to tell you everything, I really do want to, but it's hard

"You okay?", you ask with concern in your voice, in someway I manage to miss you moving from the bed to face me up front. I must be blind and deaf or plain lost. My guess goes for the third alternative.

-"I'm fine, tired that's all", I answer and give you a half ass smile, that you must have seen right through.

"Sure you're all right? You look a bit down.", obviously you won't let it go. I just nod and place myself on the bed, all the tension from today seems to have taken it out of me, I can't even hold my guard up, I just want to curl up in your arms and sleep. If you're going to push this much farther I will most likely end up crying without any reason, being my girly self.

Tough on the outside, but oh so vulnerable on the inside.

Scratch the skin and I'll bleed to death in minutes.

But you don't push it. Instead you climb into bed with me, pulling me down so we're resting beside each other. Casually, like you've done it a million times before, you place your arm around me, kiss my cheek and whisper a "good night" in my ear. Your words are soft as silk and like bandages on open wounds.

Usually when I'm feeling like this, emotionally uncontrollable, I can't sleep. I lie awake for hours at time, my brain spinning and my body turning, but not tonight You change all of that and when you realize I can't sleep you softly stroke my hair, mumbling stupid words in my ears, calming me in every way possible. And soon I find myself drifting away, I manage to yawn a -"'Night" before I'm off to dreamland.

**Sasuke's POV**

I can't believe I'm waking up beside you, for a little while I just lay there, enjoying the warmth coming from you. It's soothing and cozy, exactly the way I dreamt it. You look so peaceful asleep; all the troubled wrinkles are gone from your face, leaving it just smooth and emotionless. But a good emotionless, not a cold one. For a moment I stop gazing at you and look out the window. It's gray outside and looks cold. There are still droplets of rain clinging to the trees after last night's thunderstorm.

I lay awake a while after you fell asleep, listening to your breathing and trying to accept the thought that you're finally mine. So I listen to the thunder turn into rain and then slowly fade away. You slept almost like a dead all night, not twisting and turning. Sometimes I think you mumbled small words, none that I caught, though. It reminded me of Neji, he always talked in his sleep. Really stupid things, things he'd never say in real life. Guess that was his childish side shining through, even if he tried so earnestly to suppress it.

If you met Neji in real life you'd have thought he was a lot older than he really was. Maturity was forced on him at tender age, exactly the way it was forced on me when my parents died. Maybe that's why we got along so well. We grew up together, tying our first bands in kindergarten. But I didn't realize I loved him in another way until I turned thirteen, and one day it just happened. We we're sitting around as usual, doing nothing, listening to music talking about crap... something along the lines of my making blue highlights in my hair or something I think. And he just leaned in and kissed me.

At first I was stunned... I mean who wouldn't be? Your totally gorgeous friend kisses you. But I found myself kind of fast and responded. We never actually felt a need to speak about our feelings, after the kiss it was so obvious. At first we tried to hide it at school, acting normal around the few friends we had. It was no news us ignoring the girls, so no one reacted to that. But after a while when our relationship grew it got harder and harder not to hold his hand or kiss his cheek. One day this really popular girl found us making out behind a row of lockers and soon the whole school knew. Of course making out so openly was the worst idea ever, but sometimes you can't control your hormones. I smirk to myself, remembering the way Neji kissed.

I don't know if I still love him too. I locked all those feelings away when Itachi forced me to leave him. Sure I cried the first nights, the first month. But tears never gave him back to me, the only thing they did was wet my pillows and make Itachi angry if he heard. So I stopped crying over lost love and moved on and I found... you.

There is such a huge difference between you and him. You're so shy, so scared of doing the wrong things. You're as fragile as porcelain, if I don't treat you gently you'll break. But Neji... Sure he kept to himself most of the time, but we knew everything about each other. And he was never afraid to take the first step, to kiss me or touch me. I guess I crave a bit more affection than what you're willing to give me, but I don't blame you. We hardly even know each other yet.

Again I look at your sleeping form. It's mesmerizing to watch you breath. You're so pale in the gray morning light, it's almost unreal. The tattoo catches my attention, and I stroke some of your hair away from you forehead, exposing the tattoo in full view. Slowly I trace the lines of it, etching it into my memory.

Love is the word, wonder why you chose that?

Did you also have someone you used to love and lost? Or maybe it's something else. Someday I have to ask you, and hopefully you will tell me.

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Thank You-s:

_Chronic-fever: _Aw, thanks for you review. Gaara is even more neurotic in this one, hope you liked it. Hmm, naa, I just couldn't make Itachi break the apart again, not yet.smiles. But maybe, later on. Don't know yet.

_Midnight-Sunset: _Thanks! Something's going to happen, but what? That you get to know in next chapter I think! Glad you liked the bands too, I think Something Corporate is awesome when you feel a need fort soft music. But anyhow, hope you liked this chapter. I'm looking forward to your next chapters.

_spork ai: _Aw, squeals a little too your review made me smile the biggest ever, it was just so fun to read. I'm so happy you liked the chapter so much, hope you enjoyed this too. I think I made Gaara just a little too girly maybe; but then again he's so cute when he's shy like that.smiles I can't wait until you update the world is black', your latest chapter almost made me cry, poor poor gaara sweetheart. You have to have Sasuke soothing him.

_ViolinistBAKA: _Ah, my favorite beta reader, hope you like this chapter even if it doesn't contain; blood, tears and angst. But it will come, I think! smiles

_Martinique_: Hey, thanks! But I have to tell you, it's not my writing that has improved, it's thanks to my beta reader. She corrects all the weird things. But anyhow, your review still made me happy, and sure it's only fiction, so it doesn't have to be all real.

_ASweetKissFromPoisonedLips: _I totally love your reviews, always make me so happy! Glad you liked Silverchair, they have tones of great songs. About Grey Daze; you know the lead singer in Linkin Park Chester Bennington, it's his old band. So if you like his voice, you're gonna love Grey Daze. Aw, my story your favourite, damn that makes me proud!

_Kokuei no Onchuu: _Aw, thank you! Thank you! No need to be sorry, I loved you compliments.

_Yaoilover S: _Thanks, a little dirty stuff happening for you in this chapter, not too much though, Gaara's to shy. squeals Hope you liked it anyway!

redfox9t: Thanks.

_Fantastical Queen Ebony Black_: Hey, glad you liked there first kiss. And I'm starting to agree with you, Neji/Gaara is so cute. Anyway, hope you enjoyed this chapter.

_ChakraNoir: _Hey friend! I Always love your reviews, they make me so so happy. I can't believe this is the tenth chapter either, it's insane. I never written this much before, and damn you for getting me addicted to Oasis Smiles I can't stop listening to them; you're ruining my "punk ass attitude", naa just kidding. Talk to you soon!

_Ebraheart: _First of all I love your story to death, and I love the way you're writing Gaara in it. So awesome, thank you so much for liking my fic. Makes me really proud!... and yeah, panda eyes rock.

_Yit-ha: _Heyloz, naa don't know if I'm going to kill anyone yet. smiles but I'm glad you liked the story so far, hope you liked this chapter too.

chibi-tsurara-59: Just a little more fluff for you, hope you liked it.

_Hurricane-rider_: O my, You reviewed my story. I totally love your stories, so it made me really happy that you liked mine. Haha Your review made me laugh too; you could say that shukaku is making a tiny tiny appearance in this chapter, referring to the part where gaara hears voices. Maybe I've been focusing more on Sasukes family, I just write after hand, nothing's planned, but soon Sasuke will find out about Gaaras little secrets.Yay, for angst!

_V-chan2k6: _Aw, thank you so much. Naa, I don't see Temari like that either, she's more down to earth. But everyone is kinda OC in this one either way, so I made Temari a little bitch, just for fun. But she's changing, and Kankuro, he's just weird. Hope you liked this chapter.


	11. Freak Show

_Sick Little Suicide_

Disclaimer thingy: Hi guys, sorry this took a while and I'm sad to announce. We have no major plot progression, in the next chapter will the progression take place. I'm sorry for misleading you, but hope you'll enjoy reading this short chapter either way. Mostly written while listening to the cd Diorama by Silverchair. And thanks to ViolinistBAKA for beta reading, you rock! I don't own any of the characters, I just like to torment them.

ViolinistBAKA : AAGGHH! I 'm so sorry! My parents have been keeping me off the computer and I made you wait for about a week! I'm such a horrible person! ;;

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**Chapter 11 : Freak Show**

Sasuke POV

I can't believe you sleep so peacefully, somehow I thought you were one of those with constant nightmares that sleep all curled up with a tormented expression always lingering on their face even though they're asleep. But you're not, at least not today…You mumble something and turn a little but show no signs of waking up. I want so badly to kiss you and wrap my arms around you. But I guess you're going to be a little terrified waking up from being molested like that, especially since it's the first time you're here. So I control my urges and nuzzle a little closer to you, breathing in your sweet scent.

I put my arm around you, very tempted to let my hand sneak underneath your shirt. While sleeping you've manage to get it all crumpled up and now it's exposing just a little of your tummy. Just enough to make my hormones rage. The skin looks so soft and so sweet, like it's longing to be touched. I force all my perverted thoughts away. They're bad, very bad. You're innocent, not to be tainted… at least not ...yet.

Hastily I push myself up so I'm sitting beside you instead. Obviously I can't be too close to you, I just end up thinking dirty things. Maybe I should leave the bed and wait for you to wake up somewhere else, but then I want to be close to you...

I love you, right? You're the one for me.

Then why do these thoughts of Neji keep sneaking up on me?

To occupy myself so as not to have to deal with my complicated emotions I stare at you. I prefer to call it a gaze, or look. Stare sounds like I'm stalking you and planning to rape you, or something. It's weird, I must have been awake for at least 45 minutes and I'm still not tired of looking at you. You moved about 10 centimeters and immediately there was a new beautiful angle to admirer. I did that with Neji too, watched him sleep for ages, and sometimes when I knew he was deep asleep I made small braids in his hair. That always made him so angry when he saw them in the morning. He'd chase me around the entire house. Usually our little fights ended with us entangled, giggling and slightly flushed, kissing and making out.

It's not fair to you, thinking all of this... but they're just memories. And there's know way in hell I'd ever have to choose between you two. Neji probably has a new girlfriend or boyfriend. I mean it's been two years! I hardly even know what he looks like anymore! I can't be in love with a memory.

Once again I tear myself from my thoughts. They're a mess too tangled to solve right now. Your eyelashes flutter a little, but you don't wake up. Instead you turn around, making the shirt go back down covering up the little bit of heaven. Mentally I smack myself before I continue my obsessive looking at you. You could say I let my eyes wander all over you...but that makes me sound like a creep, and that's not on the list of things I want to be known for. My eyes stops for a second on your arms. For once they're not covered up with clothes.

It's brighter outside now, the sun peaks from behind the clouds so the light inside is sharp, too sharp. It makes reality seems so much more cruel. At first the sight makes me ill. I feel like… not like I'm going to throw up ...but just a little nauseous. It's sick, it's twisted and it's not right. There are cuts all over your arm, crisscrossing aimlessly like a vision of pure panic or desperation. Some of the scars are so old that they've almost faded away, but some of them are so new and so fresh that they look like they were made just yesterday. The flesh is still tender and red, almost inflamed. For a brief second I close my eyes and hope that when I open them, they will be gone. But they are there, in all there agonizing glory.

Carefully I roll up your other sleeve, in my mind I already know what I'm going to see there. And I'm right : more open wounds, more scars, more self-destructive patterns, more unbelievable pain… There's just too many. You're not supposed to be broken. You're supposed to be on the verge off breaking and I, at least

in my dreams, am going to be there to stop you from falling, but now it seems you've already fallen.

Something tells me you've been down there for quite a while now, maybe bouncing up and down, hitting the ground over and over again. Sharp stones ripping you apart at every landing. What the hell, or who the hell drove you this far?

This isn't normal teenage depression. Kids cutting just because they read about it on the internet and thought it was cool to see a little blood. Horrified, I try to count the numbers, but it's impossible, they're all over the lower parts of your arms. I trace some of the scabs. They're deep enough to be suicidal if you'd placed them somewhere else. The thinnest part of your wrists are surprisingly free from cuts, just a few shallow ones, like you only do it to hurt yourself.

It's beyond my understanding. I thought it was only depressed, suicidal freaks that did this kind of things. Not normal, okay, slightly emo boys, but still usual… after a while of tracing the patterns up and down I realize I've been blind all the time. It's crap, talking about normal or suicidal freaks. That's just me denying fact. It's so obvious, if only I'd opened my eyes a little earlier maybe I could've guessed, but porcelain facades, even if they're fragile, can be oh so hard to break. I do hope it's not too late. I feel sad, angry…and most of all confused. What happened to my dreams? Being your prince, shielding you from everything bad. How am I supposed to shield you from yourself, and I can't even think about burdening you with any of my problems, when you are all a silent mess.

–"Wake up", I shake you, maybe a little too roughly, but I need an explanation, and I need it now. I don't know why, and the sane part of my brain tells me that probably you can't give me one, and waking you up like this acting almost half hysterical will scare you away forever.

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**Gaara POV**

Dreamland has never been so good before, if I could I'd sleep forever. But good things never last, something shakes me and sounds reach my ears. Drowsily I blink against the light, slowly I pull myself up a little and I raise my hand to wipe the sleep from my eyes but something stops it inches from my head and that something is you. Once again I blink, I'm startled and most parts of my brain are still sleeping.

Why do you look so angry? For one tiny second I hope it's something stupid like I've kicked you in my sleep or something. But no, it's more serious. Suddenly you twist my arm around rather painfully. I can't help but to release a small yelp. The cuts are still fresh there. And it's obvious, far too obvious… You've seen them. Panic raises instantly in my veins, I want to crawl under the bed and die. With a small motion I try to jerk away from you, but you won't let go. I feel tears swell up in my eyes. I don't want to do this right now. I'm not emotionally ready, I'm not ready to face your reaction and I want to play pretend just a little more.

"Sasuke, please let go" My voice is barely over a whisper and it's shaking. I don't dare meet your eyes, but I feel them all over me, sharp heated lances piercing. The drowsiness from sleep is completely gone now. Reality is razorblade sharp. Piercing through all of my defenses. They crumbled as soon as you touch them. They fall to pieces and leave me alone, standing naked in front of you. I have nothing to shield myself with, if you wanted to you could kill me instantly.

"Why?" Your voice is small like a child speaking. Betrayal is so obvious it almost hurts. If I could I'd turn back time and wake up before you I'd do that. You've pushed me into a corner and now I have to answer. Your dark eyes keep seeking mine, and they're getting harder and harder to avoid. Finally you let go of my arm. I cover them with the long sleeves, holding the edges down with my hands. I can feel every scar burn with shame. They're no longer a dirty little secret. You've thrown them out, and showed the real freak show I am.

"Why", your voice again, this time softer but also with hints of annoyance. What shall I answer when I myself don't know? It helps me. It takes the edge off everything and numbs the ache inside me. But is that something that you would understand? It doesn't sound normal in my ears. Instead I shake my head, a weak attempt to make you stop.

–"I don't know." If your voice was small, mine is barely existent. A few tears escape and make there way down my cheeks. I furiously wipe them away. For a while we look at each other, occasionally locking eyes but mostly just examining one another. Your hair is a mess, and your t-shirt is all wrinkled and there's no other word than adorable to describe you. Suddenly in the middle of it all I can do nothing but smile. I guess you're going to think I don't take this serious now, that I'm playing around. You see my smile and confusion spreads swiftly across your features but it's swiftly changed into something softer, one of your rare tiny smiles. My heart beats a little in my ears, making it hard to concentrate.

_Am I forgiven?_

Softly you embrace me and I think you mumbled something about "everything will be okay". I relax into your arms, scooting closer and closing the little gap between us.

–"Please try to talk to me instead of doing… it" you trail off, not knowing what to call my self-destructivity.

Quietly I nod into your arms, knowing it's a promise that's going to be hard to keep. My tears had dried away now, and I feel a little ashamed for spilling them. My weakness always shines through and it doesn't matter how hard I fight it back.

My thoughts are interrupted by your sweet kiss. It melts away everything on the inside, and when I close my eyes I don't even have to see the outside. Everything is just a dreamland again: warm and cuddly… but this time it's true. Your arms around me, your hands fidgeting with the edge of my shirt, the goose bumps all over my skin, my hand stroking your hair or tracing lines on your back, your shining eyes, my smile and your smile melting together, our fumbling kisses and quiet laughs...It's unrealistically real. And I hope it's never-ending.

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Thank You's:

_Junsui Kegasu: Hi, thanks for the reviews. Glad you liked the story so much, and I hope you'll like this chapter too. Oh, and sorry for not reviewing the last chapters of your story, they were awesome, I've just been lazy, I'm going to answer your e-mail too, I promise!_

_Hurricane-rider: Oh thanks for liking my story, your review made me so happy. Haha, I made you like Sasuke, that's a good thing I think! You can't make him drown in ketchup…that's just not Sasuke's style, it needs to be something more dramatic…and about Neji, you'll have to wait and see, I'm not sure how to end this yet! Oh, and yeah I love your stories!_

_Chronic-fever: Aw, i made you feel like brad, that's a new thing. Hope you liked this chapter too, and got a bready feeling, at least of the ending maybe…and as I said to hurricane-rider, wait and see, I haven't decided yet. It's fun to torment them!_

_Midnight-Sunset: Sorry for taking so long before updating, but schools killing and inspiration dying. Happy you liked the little sasuke/neji thing though. And thanks for the cookies by the way, me liked them a lot…kept me going trough my little writes block!_

_Yaoilover S: Yay, Gaara is the cutest when he blushes…and about Neji, just wait and see…dundundun, haha. Thanks for the review, made me happy!_

_chibi-tsurara-59: Aw, glad you liked the fluff, about taking their relationship further, Gaaras too shy you know, but there was little tiny hints of making out in this chapter! And about less typos, thanks yous _

go to the beta reader ViolinistBAKA.

_Kokuei no Onchuu: Aw, thank you… glad you enjoy the story so much!_

_spork ai: Aw, your reviews always make me smile like an idiot. Your story does the same to me, I make those squeaky noises too, aaa, just wanted to kill Orochimaru for what he did to our poor little Gaara. Orochie needs to be stabbed and beaten really badly. It sounds like tons of fun printing out stories like that, to bad my friends aren't fangirls. I guess I'll have to TRY to convert them again. Anyways, hope you liked this chapter! Oh, and about Itachi coming back, I don't think so, not yet at least…I have other plans…_

_Yit-ha: Hi, glad you like the story. Of course I'm going to end it, it may take a while but there will be an ending, I too hate it when people end the stories in the middle. Hope you liked this chapter._

_Fantastical Queen Ebony Black: you guessed right, he found out. And yeah he cut with razors, but I guess I exaggerated the blood loss a little maybe, don't know. Anyways I'm so glad you like the story, means a lot!_

_ASweetKissFromPoisonedLips: A don't die, you have to stay with me so you can read the end. Yeah, Chester has the coolest voice ever, glad you liked _

GD.

Thanks for loving the story so much, it makes me so happy.

Scapegoat: Sorry it took a while, hope it was worth waiting for.

Burning tree: Thanks for the review… you think it's strange seeing

Gaara

like this, I myself love to think of him as all cute and shy. Glad you

liked

it anyway.

kawaii kitsune-kun: I won't answer that question, wait and see! But

yeah,

yay for some jealousy, hope you liked this chapter!

ChakraNoir: Hi! huge thanks for the review and your emails, they mean

so

much to me. Sorry this chapter is kinda short too, you know my

inspiration

died…poor little thing. I'll try to save it…haha yeah..maybe I should

go all

indie. But then again, no that aint my style. Talk to you soon, emo

hugs for

so long!

Eirisa: Glad you liked Gaara as an emo-kid, and hope you enjoyed this

chapter as well.

Queen: Hey, don't complain on the music. It's music that I love, I

tried

listening to the choices you sent, but naa…didn't like them at all. But

thanks for the review anyway!


	12. Made to be Broken

Sick Little Suicide

Disclaimer: Don't own, never will. So got that over with, we have plot progression people! Hope you're going to like it, of some reason I'm not to fond of this chapter, especially some parts of Gaaras POV. Thank you so very much everybody who reviews, we broke one hundred, that's like amazing. You guys rock so so so so much, even more then what The Riddlin' Kids and Feeder does, that's what I've been listening to while writing this.

beta-ing by ViolinistBAKA...along with help writing some parts... (VB : and I grovel at your feet in penance for taking so damn long beta-ing this. My parents have been working extra hard to keep me off the computer lately and it absolutely SUCKS.)

ViolinistBAKA : 100+ reviews! I threw TFFMO...a party for it and we invited our favorite Naruto bishies over. Needless to say, everyone got mildly drunk. Gaara and Sasuke were sooo cute and we took PICTURES!...and Lee...well...You know drunk Lee... ...big mess there...but anyway...Thanks and more thanks from the both of us for all of your yummy reviews!

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**Chapter 12, Made To Be Broken**

I actually think I got the hang of the kissing bit now; it wasn't that hard at all. Can't believe I worried so much about it (insert my stupid smile there), all I have to do is follow your lead. It's a bit like dancing...yeah, something like that. Touch and feel, find a rhythm and play.

All these new things you make me feel, I never thought simple finger-touches could be so electric and make me shiver like that. A simple kiss from you makes me tingle all over. There are butterflies in my stomach now too, but not the nervous type : These are the feel good type...The kind you feel when you're really, really happy, when you feel you're walking a foot above the ground, barely touching what's real... when there's small hearts in the corners of your vision, and when there's a stupid little song playing in the back of your head all the time.

Those kind of butterflies. My favorite... I think.

You kiss me again, kind of roughly but I don't mind ...as you pin me to the bed, pulling my shirt over my head. At first I feel shy. I still don't like showing my arms like that and I'll admit I ain't that proud of my body either. By now you're probably counting my ribs or something, getting more and more disgusted by the moment. A blush spreads across my face and I try to pull one of the many comforters over me. But they're stuck and you and me are all tangled in them. You stop my fruitless attempts easily. I'm so weak in your arms it's almost pathetic. When I can't hide my body I lower my eyes in shame and suddenly that warm cuddly feeling is gone. My stupid insecurity destroys everything again. "I am ugly."... "I am worth nothing" ... Those words are burnt so deeply into me. I don't think they'll ever go away. Not ever.

I wrap my arms around me, trying to shield myself from your eyes with no success. I never manage to do anything properly. I'm born with the word failure stitched across my forehead...No, that's wrong. It's more then stitched there. More than burnt in... It's etched there for all eternity and you must be blind not to see it.

I don't want to be here anymore, I want to be alone somewhere. I want to listen to Nine Inch Nails until I go deaf and I want my razorblades. I feel so...so disgusting all of a sudden.

"It's okay, you know, I'm sorry if I did anything wrong". Your voice sounds like it's coming from far, far away. I guess I got lost in my own self pity, blocking out everything. I shake my head, not knowing what to answer, it's not okay... I'm so horrible and worthless. It's not you that have to be sorry. I should be crawling at your feet instead, thanking you for letting me be close for even such a little while.

"You're so beautiful and I... I really lo-..like you". Those words from you make me glance up for a tiny second, meeting your eyes, barely noticing the small blush on your cheeks.

Guess the L word was too big for you, but that's all right, I'm not worth loving anyway. Your eyes are filled with worry, and it's obvious you care about me. I can't deny that. But you shouldn't. I don't deserve it. You're worth so much more... worth everything I'm not. We just aren't equal... an equation that can't be solved.

Still, it feels so good when you wrap your arms around me, when you stroke my hair, ...telling me over and over again how sweet you think I am...how you drowned in my eyes the first time you met them... how you love the way my hair sometimes falls in my eyes, covering them up... how kissing me and having me close is the bestest feeling you've ever felt...

You tell me that even if I just wanted to hold your hand for the rest of our lives, that wouldn't matter because having me close is the only thing that means something to you. It's so hard to believe all of that. My trust has been broken so many times before. But maybe, this time... If I'd dare to stretch out my hand and grab hold of yours, will you lead me through life? Does this mean I won't be lost anymore?

So many questions and so few answers, but your embrace comforts me. The world stops spinning so fast and the angst inside me slowly dissolves, leaving only dark shadows in its footprints. I relax once more against you, leaving no empty spaces between us. It's just you and me and our breathing. I listen to it for a while and count how many times your heart beats in a minute, feeling all the tension go away to be replaced by a strange feeling of safety.

It's okay to show you my arms. You won't laugh at them or my thin frame. You won't point your finger or turn your head, or at least that's what you wordlessly promised me... The cynic in me bluntly interrupts my thoughts with the reminder that promises are made to be broken. But if you break them this time, I won't mind anymore.

I'm tired of surviving in an airless world. Tired of breaking, breaking, breaking and rebuilding fences, which are made just to be broken once more. What's the meaning of that?... I wonder many times. So I guess this is it. If you chose to leave someday, I'll leave too...just... in a different way. Making this decision gives the world its final stabilization and I even feel strong enough to return one of the small kisses you've been giving me for a little while now.

Time passes by slowly. We're just laying there listening to some music, occasionally sharing a kiss or a thought, talking low about everything and nothing. I forced you to put on The Riddlin Kids cd "_Stop_ _The World_". It took a while to convince you, but finally you did and now I'm mumbling the lyrics to "_Revenge_", (one of their best songs) in you ear, playfully tickling you, trying to engage you in a little pillow fight.

My mood really swings! Now I feel like running around a smiling, half and hour ago I was prepared to die. Man, I really need some kind of pills or something.

Suddenly, A loud THUMP, followed by a bigger CRASH and ending with a big **BANG!** startle the two of us. What the hell was that!

In my ears it sounds like it came from downstairs, somewhere around were I think the kitchen is located. We exchange looks, and I think I'm wearing the same look of surprise as you. My first thought is that it's Itachi coming home early...but then we should have heard the door.

You're off the bed walking towards your door. I guess you're going to be the "macho man", going to check out what weird thing is going to be attacking us. I can't help but to smile, because the word "macho man" and you gave me this mental image of you wearing nothing but leather pants and kicking the door to the kitchen in, drawing two big guns and telling the bad guy to stick his hands up. Too bad that I find leather pants rather unsexy, or else that picture would be pretty hot. Then again, you're kind of hot wearing only boxers, socks and t-shirt too, especially with your hair messed up like that.

I decide to follow you, leaving the safety of the warm bed. The cold air outside the bed makes me freeze and quickly I search around for my sweater. But I can't find it in the heap that's supposed to be your bed. Against my better judgment I walk after you wearing only my boxers, pajama pants, and socks. I shiver a little and try to hug myself warm. You must be overusing the air conditioning because it's fucking freezing in here.

Normally I think people are supposed to be scared when strange sounds can be heard in their empty houses. But I'm not scared, at least not yet, and you seem to be the calm himself walking a few steps a head of me. It doesn't take long to reach the kitchen area at all, and you push the blue door open. By now I'm right behind you, so your abrupt stop makes me walk right into you, causing us to loose balance for a second. When I regain composure, I am greeted by shock and you too seem to be frozen, just staring at the creature in front of you, like it's the strangest thing you've ever seen.

And yeah, I must admit it's a bit odd... There's a person standing in your kitchen. She's tall. Way taller than me and lanky, with long black hair that's a bit tangled like she's been out for a while. It looks like parts of it used to be tied back, but now escaped from the rubber band holding it back. Some of it clings to her face, hiding most of her eyes from my view, but the little I see of them is very bright, the strangest pair of eyes I've ever seen, but still beautiful. Actually, she's one of the nicest looking girls I've seen in a long while. Usually I never look twice on girls, because I'm occupied with daydreaming about you, angsting over my so called life, or just plain lost.

It's a bit like time froze or something, the three of us do nothing but look at each other, and the only thing that can be heard is the soft sounds from the kitchen fan, some birds chirping and her rapid breathing. She's a little flushed, maybe it's because it looks like she fell down from the kitchen window and landed on the little table you keep underneath it, making those banging noises when the things located on the table fell down and crashed against the hard kitchen floor, I muse.

She's clad in a pair of tight-ish black pants that actually clings kind of nice to her hips, even if it's wrong of me to think that and a used to be black, worn, washed-out band t-shirt. The band name doesn't ring any bells in my ears, but by the looks of it; it think it's some kind of hard-rock band. That could explain why she has a studded bracelet around her left arm and some chains hanging from her pockets.

Currently she's holding on of your plants in her right hand trying to put it back to place in its vase. A look of desperation spreads across her face, when it refuses to keep itself there, she throws it away and instead smiles sweetly in your direction. I don't know if you smile back, since I'm behind you but the smile confuses me.

My cynic side pops in again with a horrible thought. Shouldn't you be yelling at her, calling her an intruder? I mean it's not like it can be normal for you having girls breaking in trough your kitchen window, or can it?

"Sasuke...is she your...girlfriend?"

The words escaped my mouth before I could stop them. Stupid, stupid ideas! I can feel my face burning as both of you turn to face me with the most strange looks on your faces.

"I'M NOT A GIRL!", came the reply of our intruder, in a voice that would've been awfully deep for a girl. The blush that's spread across his face must have been as red as mine as he glared. Piercing white eyes that see right through me.

**Sasuke's POV:**

I can't believe my eyes, I blink like a million times and you're still there. You won't go away, not a millimeter of you disappears, I try rubbing my eyes once but that doesn't help either. Every little fiber of you is as real and as vibrant as I last remembered it. Sure you've changed and you've changed a lot...but still it's you. For a moment the world spins and I feel myself lift off the ground. This just isn't real. It's fucking unbelievable. You shouldn't be here. You're a lost part of my life, a forgotten piece from a child's puzzle...I used to think you were just a memory, nothing more than echoes from the past. But the world sends me crashing down really fast, hitting the ground with a loud thud. Someway or another I have to realize that it's you standing there in my kitchen, in my house, in my town, in my part of the world. And I have to deal with it one way or another, even if it's going to twist all the things I know inside out and upside down.

You smile at me, and my response comes automatically, it's like you'd never been gone. I return the smile like it's the most natural thing in the world. We lock eyes, and it's like I'm back the way it was two years ago, just in a different kitchen, a different house, and a different you and me, but still we are the same. I know it's weird, but suddenly it feels like you've never left. You've been here all the time, and this is just a regular Saturday morning with you sneaking into my house like you used to do before Itachi woke up and we'd share some secret kisses in the kitchen, and when we heard Itachi's steps on the stairs, we'd break away and pretend everything was normal. All these memories send a heated feelings through my body. God, I missed you so much. I think I feel the same thing as I read in your eyes, longing, wanting and needing each others. Almost desperately.

It's hard to read those eyes of yours. So bright yet so secret, never sharing a thought with the world... unlike Gaara's. I used to think it was rubbish, talking about seeing someone's soul through their eyes, but in Gaara's case it's actually that way. Every tiny emotion reflects in those big green eyes of his. It's so obvious when he tries to hide something, every feeling shows in his eyes in a different shade, from darkest green to aqua-blue, its spectrum of colors.

Instantly guilt plagues me when my thoughts returns to him. I glance back at him, careful to not let him catch me looking, and he's just adorable, a look of complete confusion lingers on his pale face, his tiny frame shaking a little from the cold as he absentmindedly hugs himself, rubbings his arms trying to gain some warmth. Right there in that moment I want to wrap my arms around him so badly and take him away from everything. Somewhere he'd never hurt himself again, someplace were all memories of you were lost and it was only him and me, together alone. But you fuck that dream up big time by standing in my kitchen looking nothing but good.

You're damp from the rain outside, making you clothes cling even tighter to your skinny but muscular body. You sure have changed your style since I saw you last time, but that doesn't matter, and to be honest this one is better then those sporty clothes you used to wear. Wonder what happened. Did you finally realize that radio music sucks?

Does that really matter in this absurd situation? My brain works overtime, trying to find a solution to this, several minutes has passed and no one of us have said a word. Gaara must be totally freaked out by now.

My thoughts are interrupted when suddenly...Is he my...My GIRLFRIEND!...Of all the things I thought he might do, I would never have thought of that! Before I could think I turn around to face him, trying hard to keep myself from laughing out loud. Sweet, innocent Gaara, standing there with his pajama pants almost sliding off his hips. A naive little angel with his face so red from blushing and the cutest look of confusion I've ever seen.

**Neji's POV:**

This wasn't the grand entry I had planned, not even close to it! I actually don't know what got into me, doing this. Breaking into your house, planning to find your bedroom and just whisper a small "hi" in your ear. Doesn't sound like something a sane person would do? But then again I haven't been sane since that day you left.

I've been wandering aimlessly, not feeling attached to anything anymore. I even left school, it just wasn't interesting anymore. I wanted more of life, more then boring red brick walls and the smell of dust always lingering in the air. I wanted back what I had with you, when every day felt like riding the biggest wave ever...when life was never dull and the color gray was barely visible. I finally left that place and now I'm here.

I smile when I see you, just a knee-jerk reaction, really. Whenever I see you I can't help but do that. A moment passes as we exchange looks when I notice...this kid. A skinny little boy with blood red hair standing behind you. I can see pain and concealed torment behind his jade eyes. Who is he?...and...What is he to you?

"_Is she...Your girlfriend?.._."

Those words ring in my ears over and over. HIS GIRLFRIEND! I almost fall over. Of all the insane...

"I'M NOT A GIRL!", I screech, my surprise getting the better of me. I catch a glimpse of your face, and you're almost giggling.

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Authors Note: Sorry that Nejis POV was so short, my inspiration just fell down and died. I don't know much about him, and have a hard time deciding witch personality I'm going to give him. So I decided to end it there, I didn't want to write more and then accidentally writing him really bad because I was unsure about him, or yeah something like that.

ViolinistBAKA note ::points at above: and my inspiration fell down and died, too. Worms are now eating it and such... agghh Neji is hard to write.

and btw... This is kind of what Neji looks like...when he isn't all messy from running away and breaking into people's houses, hee.

h t t p / w w w . d e v i a n t a r t . c o m / d e v i a t i o n / 1 8 3 7 4 3 6 4 /

(Made by me. )

...and have any of you read the latest manga chapter? I was like...NNOOOO NOOO NOOOOO GAAARRAA-chan, while running around and screaming like a deranged fangirl, pulling out my hair. I officially want to pull a huuuge Mary Sue and kill the Akatsuki and save Gaara and bring him back to the real world and...and...

TFFMO (watcher of the anime): NOOO :covers ears: I don't need to know that yett!

Sorry, we're blabbering. On with the thank yous.

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Thank You:s

**Beastofbloodgaara: Thanks!**

**Scapegoat: Glad you think they're worth waiting for, hope this chapter was that too. **

**ASweetKissFromPoisonedLips: Well, that's the meaning you're supposed to be confused, it's more fun that way! Aw, I'm happy you're going to stay until the end, whenever that'll be. I haven't decided how to end it yet. **

**Dio Roy: A, makes me really happy that you enjoy the music suggestions, because it's music that I really like and listen to daily. You listen to indie-rock, any suggestions on good bands? Because I'm getting more and more into that style, I thinksmiles And thank you so much for adoring the story. **

**sasuke x naruto: Hope this was soon enough.**

**Junsui Kegasu: Just simply loved your review, keep them coming and I'll write forever. And yeah, who isn't a Disney girl? But I'm not too sure it's going to be a Disney ending to this. (ViolinistBAKA : YYEEESSS::feeds TFFMAO more tragedy:)**

**Midnight-Sunset: Now you don't have to wonder anymore, Neji's in there! But I won't tell you what's going to happen later on, oh and please pretty please update your stories soon. **

**Kokuei no Onchuu: Loved your review too, yeah much of it is personal experience, I write a lot of Gaara's angst to get rid of my own angst. I know how it feels when the world spins and won't stop. Oh, I'm so happy you like the music. Smile Empty Souls music is just to beautiful to be true, I don't know how many sleepless nights they've helped me trough.**

**Hurricane-rider: This is a little longer, just for you. Hope you like it, and thanks for liking my way with words. I awe everyone else, because they make magic with there words, just as you do too. One day, after hours and hours of practice I'm going to write that way too. **

**spork ai: Doesn't matter, you can tell me it's cute a million times, because I'm doing exactly the same with your story, I'm just hearty eyed when you update it, so please do so soon. Hope you liked this chapter and voila Neji made an appearance!**

**Fantastical Queen Ebony Black: Thanks, it actually meant a lot when you said my writing progressed. I know, it's terrible with the cutting makes the world tumble and fall, and you can't do nothing but wonder, where did it all go wrong? I love sleepovers too, they're just sweet.**

**chibi-tsurara-59: Sleep in the library? I would recommend a bed, a really nice bed if you haven't slept in 4 days. Haha, anywaysthanks for liking the chapter and the music, I don't have any special suggestions, except for Feeder and Riddlin Kids, that's what I'm listening on for the moment, but it changes all the time.**

**Yit-ha: Yay, you're right, Neji's alive and kicking and now the plot is thickening, hope you like it, because I don't want to have your goons after me!**

**Littleanikaze: OMG, you want to rape poor little Sasuke, I'd better shield him from you! Haha, naa you're free to do whatever you want with the poor thing, as soon as Gaara's finished with him.**

**Yaoilover S: next chapter here, hope you like. And I can tell you one thing, Neji won't be dating Itachi, even though the thought is tempting. **

**Yume Lullaby: Thanks, isn't MCS a really great band, I love their songs!**

**TheInflictedFinger: I LOVED your review, made me feel so happy and proud. Really really glad you like the story and the way I have the characters. Your review wasn't to long, it was just great, admits I'm a sucker for long reviews, doesn't matter if they're just blabberings as long as they're long. Haha, as long as they're long, I'm so stupid!**

**ChakraNoir: I'm so happy you like my story, hope it brights your day a little. Sorry for making you go all indie, but it was actually you who started it with Oasis, and then I just fell in love with Feeder, happy you like them to. Have you heard Tender with them, it's just so sweet.**


	13. Bittersweet

**Sick Little Suicide**

**Disclaimer:** This took ages, but I hope you think it's worth waiting for. I don't own any of the characters and/or bands/songs mentioned throughout the story. (Said that before I know). This entire thing was written while listening to the song 'Save Me; by Unwritten Law and me feeling all emo, so… I admit there's angst in it. Anyway, enjoy…

Super special thanks goes to **Fantastical Queen Ebony Black** for beta reading this chapter, everyone run read her story **Carousel** now, because it's way better then this!

**Chapter 13, Bittersweet**

Sasuke's POV:

My kitchen has become the centre for some kind of sick twisted love story, and I find myself starring the leading role without even choosing too.

It takes a second to fight back the surprise and the sudden urge to laugh aloud. But if this is the same Neji I used to know so well, he'd kill me right away if I laughed at him, so it'd be smart not to. Still, that only makes me want to laugh even more; it's so tempting to play with fire… Well, Neji seems more like ice, but that's not the point; I'd still get burned. Besides, laughing is definitely _not_ the right way to untangle this mess of emotional knots. I don't know what the correct thing for me to do right now is at all! I guess an explanation would be the best way to start.

–"Uhm Gaara," I start catching both your and Neji's attention, "you see, ehm… Neji's neither a girl nor a girlfriend; he's just an old friend of mine, who obviously decided to pay me an unexpected visit." I smile what I mean to be a reassuring and honest smile, but it gets stuck halfway. It feels so _wrong_ lying to you, especially when I know if you ever find out the truth, you'd break apart a little more. And I'm scared of that, because I doubt you can break anymore without ending up completely destroyed. But then again, telling you upfront that Neji's an old boyfriend of mine whom I think I still have feelings for would hurt pretty badly too, wouldn't it?

Neji doesn't look to happy with my little 'explanation'. I guess he doesn't like to be referred as old friend after all those things we did. I can't blame him; I wouldn't either. And you, Gaara; you look a little less confused than before but still very much surprised. After waiting a little, I decide to continue with my little introduction, seeing as neither of you seem to have anything to say and I just can't stand the looks that the two of you are giving me.

–"And Neji, that's Gaara," I say, nodding in your direction. "He's a friend of mine."

Inside, I can't help but feel like the biggest coward ever, now that I've lied to both of you. I see you flinch slightly at the term friend, and Neji raises an eyebrow as if he's questioning me. His eyes scan you over, a look of disapproval adorning his face. His gaze lingers a little too long on your arms and I suddenly want to hit him hard for just making you squirm like that. I can almost see you shrinking underneath the piercing glare of his cold eyes. You try to hide your arms and a look of discomfort rises quickly in your eyes as you dart them away from his. You look like you're on the verge of tears! Normally, I would probably enjoy making fun of someone like you, someone that cries so easily and show their weakness in such an open way. But this isn't fun, not even close to it. It's almost scary to see how emotionally unstable you are, how the smallest things can shake you to the core. I send a glare in Neji's direction in attempt to make him stop looking at you like that and smiling that stuck up smile, which clearly states he thinks he's ten times better then what you are.

I desperately want to press the stop button right now, if only to get a little time to think. Half of me want to take your hand, go back up to my room, curl up in the bed and forget all about Neji. Nevertheless, the other half wants to run straight into his arms and kiss him, just to see if he still tastes the same.

It's so fucked up! I hate having to deal with emotions like this; they're no good. It's tempting for me to walk right out of this kitchen and leave both of you behind… but I can't do that. I care far too much. Besides, if I left I'd be alone. I never want to be alone again; it hurts far too much. The choice is simple enough, I guess.

You or Neji.

Neji equals bittersweet memories, breath-taking kisses, and talking without actually having to say anything. But I'd also have to deal with all his bad sides. His stubbornness, the way he always has to be the best, and his difficulty to deal and talk about emotions, just to name a few. He's straightforward; instead of telling you what he feels inside, he acts it out. If you don't understand immediately what he's doing or feeling he gets angry and upset, but of course, he never lets that show either. Reading Neji is a little like being blind; you're always in the dark. Still, you can feel, taste and hear small hints of what's going on around you. Neji would rather die then beg on his knees. Well, at least not the old Neji. Somehow, though, I doubt he's changed at all.

You on the other hand, you're sweet, innocent, cute, little… I'm about to think helpless, but that's not quite it. You may be easier than Neji in one way, but in the same respect, you're ten times harder. Playing with you is like walking on a field full of traps and mines. Any second you might set one of them off, and damage both you and myself for life. Being with you includes quite a bit more carefulness. It's a slower relationship; not rough, hasty kisses or make out sessions behind the lockers, at least not yet. It's so obvious that all of this is new to you, but that's kind of fun, guiding you through a new world, and hopefully a better world for you. A world, I think, I can't bear to destroy.

I can't help it; I want both of you! I love all of your good sides, and the bad sides I can live with. I don't mind them that much. They're what make you you.

– "Sasuke," your voice startles me from my thoughts. "I, um… just, my sweater…"

With that, you turn and leave the room, without bothering to close the door. The sound of your footsteps fades from audibility rather quickly, almost as if you're running away. My eyes are stuck on the doorframe you left empty. Inside my head, I debate with myself over whether I should walk after you or not. I feel empty and exhausted, like I've betrayed you both.

– "Sasuke," comes my name again, but this time from Neji. I glance at him, letting him know I'm listening. "You know you can do much better then that. A pathetic cutter? What the hell do you see in him anyway?"

His voice is cold and his tone hard, but I know him better then to just judge by that. I know that's just his way of showing he's hurt and/or jealous, and he just doesn't want to admit to it. Still, it makes me feel angry! You're so much more then a pathetic cutter to me.

Neji's POV:

This is just too absurd, and way out of hand. I hate it when my plans are destroyed like this. Yeah right, he's only a friend. It's so fucking obvious from the way he kept on glancing at you, along with looks you gave back to him. It was sick, the way you acted as if he was some little kid you wanted to protect. Sure, it's fun playing around with those messed up little boys, with their eyes so big and wide, desperately longing to be loved. They're cute and all, but that's all there is to it. You play with them for a while, and then it's over. Like snapping a kitten's neck. I do hope the only thing you're doing is fooling around a little. God, I mean, they're too clingy to keep. Not like you though. You were _perfect_.

Seriously though, you can't have that little redhead weirdo as a boyfriend. Just look at him! Everything about him screams depressed, angsty little emo boy. The eyeliner, that utterly stupid 'ai' tattoo, his clothes, and last but not least the cutting.

But if he is your boyfriend, then fate has been cruel and crushed my perfect plan. I thought this was going to be simple. Our feelings were so strong. Even though I dated others after you left, they never really meant anything to me. They were just a little fun for the moment. It's different with you though, _way_ different. You stole my heart, and I really thought I still had yours, but I'm not sure anymore. Maybe you gave it away to that freak instead.

You look angry when I tell you what I think about your friend, but your scowl abruptly turns into an odd smile.

"Jealous, huh Neji?" you ask, cocking an eyebrow. I hate it when you do that, pretending I'm transparent. Nobody reads me like you do, and that makes me irritated. Arguing wasn't what I came here to do. I came to start a new life, to get you back, and maybe finish school or get a job. Breaking free from my insanely rule-bound family took a lot longer then I ever thought it would. Writing hadn't been an option since I didn't know where you lived. However, I saw an article in the newspaper the other day mentioning Uchiha Itachi and the name of this town. I knew it was my big chance and I took it, leaving nothing to my family but a note saying I won't be back. After arriving here, it wasn't hard at all to find your house; I just asked around a little. As soon as I got your address, I realized I couldn't wait any longer.

Failure really hurts, Sasuke. Can't you see that? You're not the only one who's able to read the other. You're pretty much like an open book to me too, you know, and there's guilt and confusion written all over your pages. You wonder what's right and what's wrong, but there's still a lust shining through from where you've hidden it behind your eyes. The wanting and needing that makes right and wrong irrelevant. You're torn between him and me, childhood love vs. a teenage crush. Who the winner is, I can't tell, not quite yet. But there's no way in hell I'm losing to that redhead and giving you up!

–"I missed you." The words surprise me, but it feels good saying them. It may seem like I have the coldest heart this side of the equator, but that's not true. My words really seem to have gotten beneath your defences. You look almost like I punched you at first, and then your features relax and soften.

–"I missed you too," you murmur and wrap your arms around me. Now it's my turn to be surprised, but it doesn't take long to get used to your warm arms around me. We linger in embrace for a few seconds before you break away,

– "Neji, I… Gaara… I don't know… this is just so weird."

There's panic stirring in your eyes. I decide to try and sooth you a little, give your brain some time to work it all out. I may be playing a little dirty right now and not acting much like my usual stoic self, but all's fair in love and war, right?

–"It's okay, Sasuke. I'm sorry if I'm fucking things up now, that wasn't what I meant to do. I just wanted to see you again. I understand that you're confused right now, and I won't force you to anything, but I want you to know that I still like you- a lot. I mean, it's okay if you lost those feelings you had for me, but we can at the very least be friends, can't we?" I stop there and await your answer, before advancing to the next step in my new plan.

You look like you're lost for words. "I still like you, Neji, but I like Gaara too and…" You trail off, sighing.

–"Sorry I said all that stuff about him before; he seems like a nice kid. I wasn't expecting him, that's all… maybe we could be friend, all three of us. Look, I know this place in town and tonight an awesome band is playing there. I was thinking the three of us could go, together. I could say I'm sorry to Gaara then too, because he seems a little upset right now, and yeah, I don't want to make it worse then it already it." I try my best to look as cute and sincere as possible without looking out of character.

Fall for my plan. God damn it, Sasuke, fall for it! Hell yeah, you're falling now. You're believing every word I say. Talk about me having a silver tongue. I have to stop myself from smiling widely in delight of my victory. I don't want to ruin it all… actually my plans aren't that clear yet, but I have all afternoon to work on it.

–"That sound great. I'm going to go upstairs to ask Gaara about that now, and try to explain things a little better to him. Say, where are you staying, and where do we met later on?" You look concerned about my well-being.

I smile at you. "I'm staying at a cheap ass hotel until I find something better. And how about we meet at the old gas station on the end of Leaf road around six? I've just been I town for a few days so I still have some trouble finding my way around some places".

–"Sure, that sounds great," you reply, but you look a little awkward. It must be the part where we say good-bye you're worrying about. I solve that by giving you a little wave and climbing back out the window. The last thing I see before turning and walking away is you waving back at me. The scene hurts me in some place deep down inside of me; a place I usually keep locked away.

Gaara's POV:

My breathing's hasty, coming in shallow and rapid gasps. The walls just won't stand still! Right now, I'm curled up on the floor in a corner of your room, hugging my knees to my chest as I try to be as tiny as possibly. I squeeze my eyes shut, so tight that it blurs. I don't want to see the room shake anymore. It's more than enough to feel it.

This is really bad; I'm not supposed to have one of my angst attacks now, not at your place, nor anywhere near you! You're going to think I'm the sickest person alive if you find me like this. You won't feel the ground shaking, and you won't hear the voices in your head. Sane people don't hear that. Sane people like you have control over their emotions and they don't get panic attacks because there brains are all screwed up. I know it's all inside my head but it still won't stop, it never does. Not until I hurt myself. After that, it'll go away for a while and I can pretend to be normal.

I actually thought I wouldn't have them anymore, not after you. You made me so insanely happy that I really believed my life was going to function again. I thought I could mend some of the broken parts, and the rest I could cover in band-aids and hide away in a dark corner somewhere. But as usual, I'm wrong. _I'm always so fucking wrong!_

Tears burn the inside of my eyelids but I refuse to let them escape. I don't think you know how much the word _friend _has affected me. I just feel so damn used! You got me thinking I was a little more then nothing, not much… but at least _something_. I thought you _cared_, that maybe you wanted to tell the world whom you liked! You told me that… but then you _lied_.

I watched my world fall to pieces by your hands, and now those pieces are cutting me badly all over, scarring me for an eternity. I'm probably over reacting as usual, turning everything over inside my head until it swells and threatens to burst. But I can't stop the way I'm thinking or the way I'm acting; I've tried a trillion times already. Nothing ever helps. All I do is continue screaming in silence. No one ever comes to my rescue, to chase all the bad things away. I'm so naïve, so stupid, so childish… it's so dumb of me to even think that you might do that. It hurts to realize that I'm nothing more than a toy, and I understand if you want that Neji guy instead. I mean, he's stunning, he looks smart, he doesn't cut himself to pieces and I bet he never ever cries. I can't blame you for not wanting someone as weak, shy and ugly as myself, but still it _hurts_. Couldn't you see that I ran away from the pain in your kitchen just to drown in my own? Secretly, I wish that you had run after me, but wishes never do come true, do they?

The tears sting as they trickle their way down my flushed cheeks. There's no use wiping them away, since they'll come back again and again. I crawl across the floor, finding my sweater in a pile with some pillows. I drag it over my head, feeling the tiniest bit of relief now that my scars are covered up again. The way he looked at them… was as if I was the most pathetic excuse for a human being he'd ever seen. But it's true, and he saw right through me. He saw the 'worthless' that's embroidered across my soul. I think he saw the little sign that reads "Free to kick if you want to" too, because that's what he did with that smirk of his. He kicked me and pressed me face down in the dirt. It's so fucked that a person can do that without even using words. One look and you're dead.

Without even thinking, I change into my black pants and stuff all my things down in my bag. I can't stay here any longer. It wouldn't surprise me if you two want the bed later on. God, aren't I seeing the world from the bright side? On the other hand, I have business to tend to, promises I'm intending to both keep and break. The world isn't yet stable but I can't linger here any longer. I'm tired of being the third wheel.

I pause for a second before I open your door, just to gaze around your room one last time. It was good fun visiting dreamland, but it definitively wasn't worth crashing back down again.

As I'm about to turn and walk out, you open the door crash into me. Together we tumble and fall, crash landing on your floor, tangled in each other's limbs. Again, I can feel my cheeks grow warm and flushed, along the beating of your heart against mine. You hover just inches above me, showing no intention of moving anytime soon. If I was strong I'd push you away, but I'm not. Instead, I just lie here, motionless, fascinated by the dark strands of your hair cascading over your pale-skinned face, so close to mine. When you kiss me, I can taste my own salty tears on your lips.

**Authors Note:** Uhm, guys I know Gaara's acting weird, but it's just because I'm trying to make it clear that he really doesn't feel well. But I think you guys get the picture by now, right?

Just wanted to say thanks for all the super wonderful reviews, you have no idea how much they make me smile. I'd love to answer all of them, but I'm feeling very lazy… so I hope you won't kill me for the lack of review answers, at least you know that your reviews rock my world. Oh, and someone wondered if there was going to be lemon in this story, and my answer to that is probably no. But anyway, if there's something I forgot to answer, just let me know and I'll answer next time I update! Cookies to all of you.


	14. Doing It…?

Sick Little Suicide

**Disclaimer: Co-written by ViolinistBAKA **I don't own any of the music or characters mentioned, and this took long enough to update, sorry. Thank you all for waiting so patiently and encouraging me when I needed it. Hope you'll have fun reading this, no special warnings just that some parts suck, others don't…

**ViolinistBAKA : **I hope I managed to make this sound better. :sigh:

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**Chapter 14, Doing It…?**

**Gaaras POV:**

My body screams yes, but my heart whispers no. I want to push you away so badly... show you that right now I hate you.

How can you force yourself upon me, when you just minutes ago said I was nothing but a friend?

I don't think friends are supposed to be kissing like this. Your breath is hot against my flushed cheeks and your eyes twinkle in a way I'd never seen before. Please stop it. I don't want to. Can't you see that!

I thought you were able to read my mind so well... Can't you feel I'm shaking beneath you? And I'm not shaking because it feels good... I'm still suffering from the last small waves of panic and I feel trapped and locked beneath the softness that is you. It hurts to be a rag doll you use only to please yourself.

Maybe I am unfair, maybe you care; I thought you did… but then Neji. I'm confused and paralyzed. You stopped kissing me now and pulled yourself so you're sitting across from me. Maybe you finally noticed my lack of response. I sit up too, and wrap my arms around my legs, glancing at you from over my knees. The sparkles are gone from your eyes, leaving only emptiness behind, and you look as lost as I feel, trapped in an emotional chaos and I can't help  
but to blame you for it.

You made me feel, you made me rise a little from my timid stance; made me glaze towards the horizon and hope for a better tomorrow. But sitting here on your cold bedroom floor, staring at the pieces that were us, I really can't see a future... and I wanted that tomorrow so  
badly : It was my way out.

Your mouth opens like you're about to say something, but then closes again… Are you scared, too? I can't hate you. It's impossible. I want so much to just walk right out your door... leave you, miserable, behind and never look back. In my fantasies that would look so cool. In reality it would play out as nothing but pathetic... with me just running away like a weak coward in the face of the first conflict. And if I know myself well I'm sure I'd just walk a few steps before turning around, to run right back and beg you to love me again.

It's getting cold without you by my side. There's too much space between us, an ocean to swim through and I think I'll drown on my way. For once my body isn't raging with nervousness. I feel dead after shedding those tears and the angst only leaves loneliness in its wake.

-"Sasuke" the tone of my voice hides nothing "I'm sorry" I manage to get out before you're right there beside me. I feel disgusting when you whisper into my hair that nothing but me really matters. I know it's lie. Neji matters and when schools starts again on Monday I won't matter anymore. I'm worthless.

That was what I was trying to tell you with my sorry- _"It's okay for you not to love me... I understand. It's always okay, love hurts anyway…"_

I believe you see the true me, the one my father always sees... the one that is dirty and stained, trashed and ripped, the one that only exists to be used. But if you see the all of that, why don't you turn away? Why are your arms still around me? I can't understand so instead I close my eyes and lean against you. You breathe in and begin to speak. At first slowly... like the words burn and then faster and faster, until it all blurs together.

I stumble when I take the first steps out of your house. Everything's been turned upside down, inside out. You're no longer the person I thought you were... so different it's almost scary. Sure I played with the thought that you hid something, that you weren't feeling all that well… but... I'm not sure I can handle all of this at one time. Everything hurts, and there's no way to soothe the ache. I tried, but all my words just fade away, and the few I said to you sounded so lame. When you smiled with those tear-stained eyes I felt everything drift apart. You're broken too... not the beautiful, and strong...perfect angel that I'd always seen you as... and mending never was anything I was especially good at, because I can't even keep myself together.

All the scars are visible, spider-web lines on porcelain facades. I wonder why I never saw yours before. The pain is clear behind the velvet that is your eyes. I must have been blind or too wound up in my own misery. Itachi, Neji… all the words you said, running through my head, over and over again. You told me everything, spilled your guts out, and I was so close... so close to telling you everything about me too, but at the last minute I choked. For me you ripped every scar open. You let the blood trickle down as tears, so I could see... we're the same. We both long for love, but are too terrified to reach out and grab it. You're so close, I'm so close, but do we really dare?.. and what role is Neji going to play? All the question marks drive me nuts.

Why can't anything be simple? In the end I just hate myself. I had the chance but I didn't take it. I  
wanted to tell you... I want to, but my walls are so goddamn high... I can't even see daylight peek around the edges anymore. Slowly killing myself from the inside. I sigh and try to block out all the thoughts. I don't know anything anymore. I love you and I care for you, but that only complicates  
everything, you're the only reason I'm staying when I want to go so badly.

The last kiss we shared before I left still lingers on my lips, like a reminder of that I can't leave just yet.

My own door comes into view and I walked all the way without even noticing. Quickly I scan the front yard... no car, no dad. A little smile plays across my lips as it always does when I know he won't be inside waiting for me. The whole house seems more welcoming. When he's home the shadows grow taller and darker and everything turns to a deeper shade of gray. But now  
in the dull light from the faint clouds over the sun the house looks okay, not really like home, but as close as possible, I guess. Not haunting at least.

As I step inside I'm greeted by some funky music. Must be Kankuro playing something... It usually is. Temari's music taste tends to be a little more... How to put it nicely?... mainstream. And sure enough there he is, my not-so-infamous big brother lying sprawled across the living room floor playing video games with a friend of his: Kiba, with that strange music blaring from our worn out speakers. They both look up and smile at me when I enter the living room. Weird how my brother can change so dramatically... like Jekyll and Hyde. When he's around whatever-her-name, he's a complete asshole, but home alone with Kiba he can be almost nice.

Kiba is an old friend of his that we've known forever. He doesn't go to the same school as us, so therefore he doesn't hate me. He's like the only person in my sibling's crowd of friends that doesn't judge me at all, so I actually kind of like him... plus he's cute...a little too cute actually. That wicked grin of his always makes me blush.

I smile back at them and mumble a small "Hi". I was hoping no one would be home, so seeing those two was a bit surprising, especially since I'm kind of sure that I look like a complete mess. I bet if there's any eyeliner left it's smudged all over the place, and I don't even want to think about my hair... and as if Kankuro read my thoughts, his smile turns evil and he stops my escape towards the kitchen by saying ...

-"Oy, looks like you had a wild night, huh?" My cheeks burn bright red. It's moments like  
this I wish I was quick with words so I could reply something that would shut him up, but instead I blurt out an aggravated "No" followed by "Morning.", and with that I walk into the kitchen feeling for once kind of satisfied with my answer. Kankuro's expression was hilarious. I swear I saw his jaw hit the floor. I mean, sha-… it's not my fault if he interpreted that the wrong way.

My stomach suddenly grumbles, and I realize the last time I ate was last night. To still my sudden hunger I start to desperately search the cupboards for something edible. It doesn't take long until I realize I have to actually cook something myself and that can only lead to one thing : a catastrophe. I'll manage to burn up the oven and make the microwave explode. It'd be so typical of me. That's why Temari cooks. It's too expensive to buy new kitchen appliances all the time. After a few seconds of careful consideration (me thinking about what I actually can cook, and what's useless to even think about doing). I decide on making an omelet. Wish I could say it's my specialty but that would be lying. But the result doesn't turn out all that bad, at least not for being me. The omelet is burned black on one side and barely colored on the other side, but for hungry tummies it's better then gourmet food. I eat alone in the empty kitchen blocking out the noises coming from the living room. My thoughts are occupied with the concert thing you mentioned. Do I want to go or not? For the moment I feel oddly calm, like I could deal with you and Neji at the same time, but it's always like this after I've been hysterical. In a few hours I'll be ready to collapse again.

It's no use debating it. My heart has already settled on going and my mind has this twisted little fantasy about holding hands, letting the music surround us, and maybe if there's a slow song playing we'll kiss in front of that stupid Neji. Then he'll see I belong to you, and he doesn't stand a chance even though he's ten times better looking, athletic, smart and a million other things that I never can compete with. I snap out of my daydream... when I realize how utterly idiotic and stupid it is.

When I enter the living room again Kankuro stares very weirdly at me, like he's actually seeing me for the first time, and trying to judge if I'm real or not. I try smiling, but it gets stuck somewhere half way and turns out like a grimace. Kiba is absorbed by the video game and doesn't notice the weird feeling that has filled the room but I feel it sticking to me like a second skin and it makes me feel like screaming at Kankuro to stop looking like that, I hate being in the center of someone's attention.

-"Seriously, You did _IT_, with Uchiha Sasuke?" He breaks the awkward silence by saying THAT, of all things. I'm this close to bursting out laughing at the insanity of his question, but manage to keep my cool at the very last second, instead I just shrug a little and look away saying "Depends on what you mean with '_it_'". I flash him a grin and walk out the door feeling very happy with myself.

I fall down on my bed, letting my body sink into the mattress and my head into the pillows. I notice at once, that yours were so much more comfortable then mine. For what feels like the millionth time I count the tiles in the ceiling while I reach out for my cd player and the case with different cds I know I left on my nightstand. I fumble and manage to make half to stuff fall down, hopefully nothing broke. The silence in my room is suffocating and it makes me feel uneasy. Everything creeps so much closer when no sounds are heard. The headphones cover my ears entirely and block out the world around me. I flip trough the pages with cds, not really noticing the different titles. I've already chosen which one I'm going to hear so I'll just have to find it; _In Keeping Secrets Of Silent Earth: 3 _by Coheed and Cambria. I find it in the very back of the cd case, almost hidden beneath the others. The cd is insanely awesome, especially when no emotions makes sense, and the world has stopped spinning but you can still feel the thrill and the slight sickness from going so fast. Soon I feel myself drifting away and my eyelids dropping a little. Lazily my thoughts circle around you, laughing with you, sharing smiles with you, being with you, touching you, feeling you, tasting you, … you, you, you...

I feel myself grinning wide. I miss you and I'm counting down the seconds until we meet again. My insides suddenly feel like cotton candy, all cuddly and warm and...sticky? You told me you felt like that too when I held your hand. That must mean you love me, right? You said so. I'm wishing you were here now, beside me in the bed, sharing the blanket with me, listening to the same music and this time it could be me whispering the lyrics in your ear, the same way you did the first time we kissed. I touch my lips...still a little tender. But a good soreness, not hurting just longing. I want to jump around, squeal, and tell everyone about my feelings. This is what actually scares me so much about myself : the sudden mood swings. One second I'm ready to die, next I'm high. It can't be normal, but then again...define normal.

The afternoon passes slowly. I don't know how many times I change cd, all I know is that I slept for awhile and my room is getting awfully hot and uncomfortable. I need to get out of here soon or else I'll die of boredom. That's a new thing for me : I'm never bored in my room. I mean let's see... I'm anti-social, I have no friends, I'm weird, I talk to myself and I'm supposed to like being alone because all of that. I liked it before, at least. But you, damn bastard, planted new feelings in me, or truth be told you probably just dug up the old ones... but I won't admit it. If I had a computer, I guess I could be geeking over that, but since my dear, dear father doesn't allow me or my siblings to have our own computers that's impossible. We are stranded with the most retarded piece of trash machine ever known to mankind. I swear it's old enough to be antique. When you start it up, it sounds like it's breaking and shutting it down takes even longer. We rarely touch it, so it's hidden away in the corner of our living room, collecting dust. If it was one of those super modern magic computers I guess I could have million zillion online friends and a fantasy life, but I'm not allowed even that luxury. All I ever had was myself… until you. Again I feel myself grin... I'm in love. It's simple, plain and yet so extremely complicated. I want to be sure you feel the same, but a tiny, tiny part of me actually tries to believe a little. Even if that little part is effectively suffocated by my more, hmm… dark side. I'm trying. It's a little step towards the light… Maybe I tore down some bricks in my wall without even knowing it.

I glance at the clock, it's still early but I decide to start getting ready because it sucks waiting around like this. Shower or no shower, that's the question I muse on, feeling like Shakespeare and listening to _Gun In Hand _by Stutterfly on ear-blasting volume. I hum along, singing _"You want it, you got it, you feel it, gun in hand"_. Girly as I am I chose the shower and now I'm standing, dripping wet, clad only in boxers in the middle of my room staring at the heap of clothes in front of me. I want to try and look good for once, but…but, but, it's so hard when all your clothes suck.

Everything is black, and right now I'm kinda tired of being black and gothic all the time. It's like this label I put on myself, hiding in blackness, giving people a reason to glare at me. That way I can pretend that it is my clothes they are offended about, not me. Black is beautiful though… I wonder what you're going to wear and from that my thought wanders to what you look like without clothes, and that makes me blush. And well after that I'm pretty much in lala-land, I return and realize I'm sick in my head. The cd player skips and starts playing _Superman_ with The Matches. The song makes me super happy and again I feel like jumping around, but no jumping when I'm half naked. That's Kankuro's thing. After getting my senses back I start to pick up things from the floor throw them on the bed after hand. A hundred or so different t-shirts later I settle on my white short-sleeved tight button up shirt. To that I pair black loose jeans and a plaid black and white belt, I top off the look with my black skate shoes and a black tie which, by the way takes ages to tie. The jeans pool around my feet so I have to fold the edges up a little. Those neatly folded edges makes me look much younger, like a little boy… hopefully a rape-able little boy in your eyes. My own thoughts scare me again, "rape-able!"

On my way to the bathroom to fix my eyeliner I remember my arms. One look at them and the happy feelings rush away. I hate having to cover myself up, hiding away the dirtiness that is the real me. Why not let people see it right away? They're running away either way. Would you mind if I kept the short sleeves, would you care? That's the question that concerns me the most. Neji can go fuck himself I know what he thinks about me. I'm already judged and categorized by him, and the other people at the concert won't even notice me, and if they do they'll just shrug me off like everyone else does. So that leaves you, and I guess if you really care, you would want me to feel comfortable with myself and right now I feel like wearing this. I feel brave for choosing to, it's not everyday I win over my insecurity. In the bathroom I fix my panda eyes back to place, glad to see the dark bags underneath my eyes nearly gone from all the good sleep I've been getting lately. I don't have to make the lines so thick and I smile a little and glance towards the big mirror. Do I dare to look myself over?

At first I can't recognize the jade eyes in the reflection. Is it really happiness hiding in there? I smile wider. Even though most of my brain scream that I am as disgusting as ever, a little part fights back now and squeaks that I might look okay. And okay will have to do. The last minute before venturing down the stairs I remember my bag. Back in my room I pick it off the floor and sit down on my bed pouring the contents of it all over the little free space that's left. In the mess I see the sharp razorblades, a few of them darkened by old blood… mine.

They're shining and bright, enchanting, calling for me… wanting me to obey them, to hurt myself over and over again. But that wasn't why I took them out, I'm going to throw them away, I promised you and with my new-found hope I'm going to hold to that promise. So that's what I do, I put all the other things back in the bag and then I collect all of razorblades, wrap them in some paper and toss them in the wastebasket. Sure, I can still reach them but not when I'm away from home. They can't crave for me at the concert and I'll have to run to you if the panic over floods me. As I leave the room for the third time or something I grab for some of my sweatbands. They'll cover those up a little. I cringe them over my wrists, a hot pink with lime green and black hearts on my right and a black one with Emo scribble across it surrounded by the outlines of a star on my left. I love weird sweatbands like these... too bad I don't show them off much.

-"Hey, Emo Boy, wait up", Temari's voice stops me from opening the door and leaving the house. I turn around still surprised by the gentle tone she used. I notice her smile and a small smile plays on the corners of my lips too, it feels nice to have a big sister again.

-"You look good." she says and she sounds really honest. I feel myself blush… me and looking good, such an awkward combination. She kisses my cheek and whispers something about having fun and not terrifying Kankuro like that again. He's still trying to over the last little shock I gave him and I can't help but to laugh a little. Temari joins in. I don't think either of us really knows what's so funny. Maybe because the tension between us all is finally almost gone. We're doing more then playing family now, we are family. But you never know... Things that once mended are ten times easier to break again. We share a quick little hug before she tells me she has to go call Shikamaru. I blink at her statement and feel my eyes go wide

-"Shikamaru!" I say with surprise and grin playfully "I thought you went for the cool popular guys" referring to Shika's label as lazy-ass-slightly-nerdy-genius. I mean I think Shika's okay and everything. He's never said something unkind to me or hurt me in anyway. I think I even remember a time a few years ago when I was new at the school we did some kind of project together and it went well. If it wasn't for my shyness and awkwardness around people we might even have become friends.

-" Well, Gaara…" then she adds "sweetheart" "People can change, I've realized that now, and it's no fun being what other people see as perfect all the time. It never was fun, but I guess it was my way to escape from that feeling of awkwardness.". She looks a little sad while saying the last sentence. I wish I could turn back the time and make it all right again. But I aint Father Time and I can't perform miracles so I do what I can and smile reassuringly at her. She breaks the emotional moment we just had by grinning and saying "Little brother, what do you think about me piercing my nose?", I shake my head at her and give a small wave as I finally leave. My sister has officially gone crazy and now she's turning punk, but I don't mind.

I'm early at the meeting place, and neither you nor Neji is anywhere to be seen. The clouds have disappeared now, letting the sun shine down and warm me. I slump down, resting my back against a tree, pulling my walkman out and pressing play. My eyes are closed so I can see the weird patterns the sunlight trace on the inside of my eyelids. The whole thing makes me feel like a little hippie ...sitting down on the grass like this, but I guess I scream emo more then anything else. Not many people or cars go by so I allow myself to relax a little. I don't have to be so tense all the time, ready to jump every other second like a cornered rabbit. Tonight I'm not going to hide behind my fences. I'll climb them no matter what, even if you have to drag me over the edge.

**Sasuke's POV:**

There are still tears drying on my cheeks when you leave. I can't remember crying like this in forever... not since we moved here. I stopped crying when I realized shred tears never healed broken walls. But this time I let them fall for you, because I thought that maybe they would make you understand that I, to am vulnerable... that the world hurts all of us in different ways, and even if every day is like the worst nightmare ever, there comes brighter moments… like waking up beside the one you…love.

I think you got it pretty clearly, because shock was written all over your features at first. You mumbled inaudible things and fiddled with my hair, your eyes darted all over my room only to return to the same place over and over again… the floor...like you were ashamed and troubled over something. I think you wanted to tell me about whatever it is that slowly eats you, but  
maybe you weren't ready. It felt nice telling you though, and even if you didn't say much, what you think always show in those beautiful green orbs of yours. I know you care, and hopefully you saw that I knew you do. I don't want you worrying about this, twisting it around that pretty little head. You deserve to be happy for once, and I think I know a way to accomplish that.

As the afternoon passes by I think about what I feel for Neji, perhaps it's only lust... I know what he can do, and he knows how to please me and we share the safety of our distant childhood memories. I know I loved him passionately before but now... you. It must be love. You make me tingle all over by simply brushing past me and I feel like blushing whenever I'm about to speak to you. In every book that I've ever read, that has been signs of blooming love, and I really want to be with you, to be close to you, I want to kiss you but also talk to you and know everything about you. I want to make you happy when you're sad, be the one who sees you yawn before you sleep and the one who sees you rub your eyes in the morning.

Still...I'm not so sure...I'm starting to think that I might love you both...but that just wouldn't work.

In any case...I want to run to your place right away, but I'll have to wait a few more hours. My thoughts drift to Itachi and how to make him accept you, or how to hide us away from him. If we don't want him to know about us, we'll have to keep it a secret in school too, but that's one thing I don't want to. So that only leaves telling Itachi as an option. It's better to tell then let him find out for himself...but what if he forces me to move again? ...and I'm so tired of his violent outbursts. They're so unnecessary... Does he really have to mess me up like that?

Sometimes he must long for a normal brother relationship too. I know he doesn't like to play parent to me. I've tried telling him that I don't crave or need that, but I think he only sees me as a burden... A burden he kicks around when he's pissed off over something, although that doesn't happen all that often anymore. I think I've grown a little too big now, and eventually I'm pretty sure he'll stop and when we're really old we'll both pretend nothing ever happened.

Play pretend and wipe away the shame, it's a never-ending cycle of love, lies, and hate. It keeps us together, glues us to one another because whatever other people may say, blood is thicker then water.

Either way, I'm not giving you up so easily.

The clock is finally approaching five and it's time to start moving. One quick shower later I'm rubbing my hair with the towel, making it stand out in weird angles. I laugh at myself in the mirror, maybe I should keep my hair this way. I love the way your hair has grown a little long, so isn't that spiky anymore, parts of your fringe almost cover your eyes now and I hope you intend to keep it that way, because it's so god damn cute. Back in my room, I put on the clothes I picked out before. Black pants and gray-ish sweater with black stripes and three-quarter length arms. To that I add a few black bracelets and slip into my worn black high tops. I fix my hair back to place and since aniki isn't at home I take the eyeliner I bought ages ago out of the drawer where I hid it away. I'm going to be so bad today!

Ten minutes later when I finally got the lines right I lock the door and begin my walk towards the corner of Leaf Road. I never imagined it could be that hard, I really admire you. Must have taken forever to learn how to do those sweet raccoon eyes you have. Soon, soon I'll see you again. I can't stop the idiotic grin that spread across my face, I just miss you so much whenever you're not close.

A girl's high pitched voice wakes me from my daydreams, abruptly snapping me back to reality. What I see makes me wish I never stopped walking in the first place. I should have ignored the squeals. Sakura and her lovely "we're so cool you could just drop down and die" gang are right in front of me. I glare at them, hopefully letting them know that I don't appreciate this at all.

-"So Sasuke-kun" she starts off and bats her mascara coated eyelashes at me "Where are you heading this fine afternoon?".

I stare at her for a second, thinking her question over, then I smirk at her -"To see my boyfriend" I reply coldly and start walking again. HAHA! Take that, evil fangirls! Now they really look ready to drop dead as I brush by them and feel I'm actually taking the first steps without pretending I'm something I'm not.

I spot you almost immediately, sitting cross-legged lost in your own little world. For awhile I stand there watching you, then it's like you noticed my presence and look up. The most sincere smile I've ever seen spreads across your face, and I respond without even thinking. You take off your headphones and stuff them down your bag before rising and approaching me, the wide grin you had on before slowly turns into a shy little smile. You mumble the tiniest - "hi", and I say a -"hi" too. The clothes you wear make you look absolutely adorable and thinking that makes me totally gay.

Anyhow, wasn't I supposed to tell you something? But I can't, I'm stunned, I lost all the words I was planning to say. I watch you bite your lip, squirming a little at the silence that surrounds us, and then you start rummaging around your bag like you just remembered something. Seconds later you're holding one of those black permanent markers in your hand. You use the marker and draw a lopsided heart on the outside of your hand, inside the heart you print my name with bold letters and after that you shyly glance my way.

-"Is it for real?" you ask, holding out the pen for me to take.

-"For real" I echo and take the pen and draw a heart on my hand to, but inside I print your name. We exchange looks and take each others hands. We both suck at drawing, I see... because the hearts we just drew really look retarded, but that doesn't matter. Sometimes you don't have to say that much, the messages gets through either way.

-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-

ViolinistBAKA's note : I drew fanart for this fic:P ...yeah...from when Sasuke tells Gaara about how his life really is

Link here (it's DeviantArt, just so you know) : **h t t p / t i n y u r l . c o m / 8 m x u a**

Authors note: And this was chapter fourteen and all it's hum… glory. Oh, there was a million things I was meaning to type here, but it's seems like I've forgotten them all. First of I'll have to thank all the reviewers; I love you all so badly. It's thanks to you I write this, but special thank  
you goes to Hurricane-Rider. You've been so sweet and nice whenever I talked to you, and I just wanted you to know you really helped me trough lots of times :glomps you:.

And right, everyone go read **Ebraheart**'s fic - _Purple Cocain Pri_son because it's so good and really needs more attention. Ehm…and just so you know, I've decided that the song Gaara and Sasuke first kissed to is "_I Won't Make You" _by Something Corporate, hehe… weirdly enough the same song that inspired me to write _I Will Make You_, which just proves how sick I am. Well, this was all for now. Love 3


	15. Sick Little Suicide

**Authors note:** Here's the last chapter, feel free to hate me for not updating in forever. I deserve it, I don't know what makes you (readers) like this story, but I love you all for doing it. This chapter is raw, un-betaed and not read trough enough, but here goes nothing. The lyrics Sasuke sings belongs to _Taking Back Sunday_ and I think the song is _There's No I In Team_, but I'm not sure. Lyrics from Brand New and Fall Out Boy can also be seen in the text, I don't own those lines. Wish I did though. Enjoy…

**Sick Little Suicide**

**Chapter 15: Sick Little Suicide.**

Gaaras POV:

We're walking hand in hand down the street, not talking much just sharing small glances and smiling once in a while. It feels wrong smiling like this and inside I fight the urge to hide away my smile with my hands. What if you think it's ugly? But no, I'm not ugly, you told me… _I'm not, right?_

For the first time since that wonderful math lesson a few days ago, I actually believe this isn't a dream. I won't wake up madly disappointed and longing for touching like I've done a million times before. There's no more wake-dreams, this is the real world and you do like me, even though it's insane and if I find out later on that you're on drugs right now I won't be surprised because it's the only sane explanation I can see to all of this. But one look on the askew heart on your hand tells the truth, drugs or not, right now you love me… for real. Thoughtlessly I chew on my lower lip thinking of something to say, a way to explain everything to you. How thankful I am, that you, you really like me. I can't cope with that thought even if I try my hardest, it's so huge. I'm stretching for words but I'm never tall enough. Because really, how do you tell someone that they are the reason you live, without making it sound totally soap-opera?

Suddenly you stop only a few hundred meters from the place we met, curiously I glance up at you. What do you want? Your eyes are all dark and drown-able and I feel my legs go jelly underneath me. Thanks to the sudden wobbliness I'm forced to sidestep a little to regain my balance. I grin stupidly trying to hide away my insecurity. I'm not really scared anymore I'm simply worried I'll make a fool out of myself. A mild breeze ruffles your hair, and the sun shines, highlighting it, making some look almost blue. It's enchanting to look at and when your face closes into mine I realise what you want and tiptoe a little to kiss you back. Soft and sweet, you're everything I need. I've been longing for your lips for hours, the strange sensation of being so close, the taste of you and me mixing and the warm feeling inside, it's addicting. I could do this all my life. You hesitate a tiny moment before I feel you smile into the kiss and part my lips with your tongue making my world go all heart shaped and fussy. Everything around me melts together and it's only you and me left. I close my eyes and we kiss in like what seems forever. I'm a little embarrassed about the silent moaning sounds that are escaping me, they might be muffled by you lips but they're still clearly audible for you to notice, for you to know how much I need you. Sometime while kissing you manage to get your arms wrapped around me securing us in our own bubble. _We can't be looked at, we can't be seen._

We break the kiss to catch some air and I close my eyes once again and lean against you. Thinking about nothing and everything, the quiet things that no one ever knows. Absent mindly I fidget with the edge of your shirt. The material is soft to touch but not as soft as the skin that hides underneath I think. I blush when I feel myself longing to touch it, to gently run my fingertips along your tummy and make you shiver. The curve of your hipbone can barely be seen trough the thin cotton, and the smallest bit of skin is visible, snow white velvet. It's so perfect it almost hurts.

-"What about Neji?" I ask, breaking my trance and glancing up at you shyly. You look slightly surprised by the sudden turn of happenings and I continue with a -"wasn't we supposed to met him too?". At those words you visibly relax and slow as I am it takes a while before I understand what you thought I meant. You thought I'd make you chose. I blink at my own realisation, you haven't chosen yet?

Pain strikes instantly, the warmth turns cold and I see behind you now. At first I'm frozen, watching you search for the right words. But I can't, I just won't stand here waiting around for you to make up your mind. I unwrap myself from you and… Instead of walking away I stay put, not ready to get hurt again. I want you to make everything all right.

-"He called me earlier; he'll meet us at the concert instead" you say desperately trying to pretend that nothing ever happened. But your casual talk won't fool me. Your eyes betray you, they flicker way too much. _Back and forth, up and down and round and round…_

I'm tempted to continue pretending together with you, but in the end it will hurt me even more to do so. For each breathe I take the wall of silence between us gets higher and higher. Tension straps, pull, pull tighter, watch us suffocate.

You have the ball, so kick it. I'm surprised when I feel myself getting irritated in the middle of it all. This isn't my fault, it actually isn't. You are the one that wants to eat the cake and keep it. We're both in love with you, so chose?

I know it's naive to break it down to a me or him. There are much more complicated emotions behind it. What happens if you hurt him? What happens if you hurt me? And which one will hurt you? –"Gaara" you say, looking up from the faded asphalt underneath your worn high tops. The look on your face is distressed and you're clearly uncomfortable. It's obvious, you're begging for me to save you, to say something, to erase the words recently said. But I won't, not this time... I might be worthless trash in my own eyes but that doesn't mean I want you to treat me the same. -"I mean it, okay... I fucked up, I'm sorry" you burst, your hands reaching out, but then falling down your sides again. Giving up halfway?

Your words are tainted with anger but they fade and gets softer and you continue. -"Neji's a friend, that's all…" you sigh and your gaze drops. -"And I, I, I… um" you tremble visibly and your voice gets really, really tiny, like the way mine used to do before around you. At last you whisper -"I love you" with your face burning. The red doesn't fit you cheeks, but that flaw, that tiny imperfection makes you more beautiful then ever. When I don't give an immediate response you turn and walk away and I stand there, mouth gaping wide with your name on the tip of my tongue. Don't go…

_I love you_, did you actually say that to me? The three words everyone longs to hear but seldom dares to say. Dumbfounded I watch your retreating back with my thoughts buzzing. Finally I realise, you kicked the ball. I got it, now I have to do something with it… Kick it back, or stop playing. My choice, my take it or leave it and also my chance to make you bleed. Because under that brief second you were naked too, vulnerable for every word. You stripped down all the layers, those layers I promised myself to take away tonight too. It doesn't take long to run those meters that separate us. There's no feeling of slow motion, I don't even have the time to think. First step I'm on my way, next step I'm there. My hand on your shoulder looks to pale against the stripes of your shirt. Where do all our colours go?

You turn around and we crash together, fumbling trying to get as close as possible. I think you make out what I mean, even though my words are incoherent. I can't say "I love you" out loud, not yet. But someday I will I promise you.

With that our edges are finally tied together and we continue walking towards the club. With you leading the way I don't bother were I place my feet. The walk isn't too far, but we move slowly so the clock is way past seven when we get there. I've never been here before so the whole place is new, but you seem accustomed to the surroundings so I try and adapt to your cool style and not let my eyes drift all over the whole place. The front of the building we're about to enter is quite shabby looking but I guess the inside hides something else. The red bricks are worn and the windows are dark, mostly covered by posters of upcoming bands signed to play at the club. There are a few people standing around outside, talking, smoking or simply hanging on the railings surrounding the parking lot that we just passed.

I trail behind you, dragging my feet in the dirt, feeling myself tense up for the judging looks I know we're going to receive but I'm determined to not let go of your hand as long as your holding on to mine. A tiny squeeze from you makes me realise I've been holding my breath and my eyes have been glued to the ground. Why do people scare me so much? _I am on of them, am I not?_

So I look up and straighten my back, I won't be ashamed together with you. It doesn't matter if they'll look or not. But deep down inside, I know I'll care, I care every damn time… But they don't stare, not this time. I barely even think they notice us walking by, every one continues with what they were doing before, everyone besides a boy. The boys' eyes and mine lock for a tiny second and he gives a small gesture towards you and our entwined hands and he smiles. It's a sincere smile not a disgusted one and I feel my cheeks turn slightly pink but I grin back. He's cute with dyed lime-greenish hair and a couple of tiny silver rings in his ears, his eyes too are lined with kohl. A little lighter then mine though, more greyish, more like it's been on since yesterday.

My smile turns into laughter when I read the words printed on his T-shirt… _STRAIGHT?_ with big bold letters and then underneath in smaller letters… _well so is spaghetti until you heat it up. _He laughs back and right about when I'm almost saying something along the lines of 'cool t-shirt', you pull me away towards the doors. I manage to give a small wave and receive an amused smile and a look clearly stating 'jealous boyfriend', before I turn back to you. -"You know him…?" you ask while searching your pocket for a few dollars to pay the guy in the entrance.-"Um… no" I answer and shake my head "just making friends." I smile and lead the way inside, leaving you behind looking a little confused. I've never felt so confident in my entire life, somewhat like I could take on the world.

Sasukes POV:

We're inside now and it's amusing to watch you look around with those wide eyes. And indeed the place is kind of cool. I've been here a few times before watching minor bands perform on the stage right in front of you. By the way you take everything in I suspect this is the first time you've ever been to a concert or a club like this before.

There are changes in you, some of the shyness has been wiped away. I think I like it, as long as you don't wander away and leave me behind. A part of me is scared that I helped you take the first step into the world and now when you taste the sweetness of it, you'll realise you don't need me anymore. When I told you I loved you and you didn't answer right away, my heart stopped. I literally felt it hit the ground with a loud thud. It hurt, and I realised I must have been hurting you the same way with not choosing between you and Neji.

Speaking of the devil, I can't see him anywhere. He must be late. But sure deal, it's more then a half hour to when the bands are going to start playing. No need to worry yet, better enjoy the alone time with you and besides Neji never was the one to turn up exactly in time. He prefers sudden entrances when he scares the hell out of everybody or entrances when it looks like he just doesn't give a fuck even though they're always carefully planned. That makes me wonder, what lies behind this concert visit? But as said before, no need to worry yet.

Instead I track back down memory lane again, remembering the feeling of your hand on my shoulder. The tiny squeeze and the spin of turning around so fast, a constant rollercoaster ride, you never know when the next turn will appear. There were so many words in so small actions, so much hope, so much promises for a better future. Your world upon my shoulders and my world upon yours… and together we save each other.

When someone brushes by me I return to this very moment, you and me, the music playing and the special feeling that lingers around us. We're standing at one of the tables and I notice you're rubbing your arms up and down like you're trying to make the scars go away. I don't think you know what you're doing because you're eyes are somewhere else, travelling around inside the room. Darting from the different groups of people, smiling once in a while when you see something or someone that amuses you.

–"Stop" I whisper close to your ear and softly I hold your arms down. You jump slightly surprised by my sudden closeness and for a brief moment shame crosses your face. Your eyes turn from bright green to a darker shade, and the happiness that shone goes away. I didn't mean it that way, at once I regret acting at all. I was just trying to help, I should have let you stay there in your own little bubble, momentarily letting you forget the world and me. Again I have put myself in a situation I can't handle. I loose words and I do nothing but stand there stroking small patterns over the scabs on your arms, surprised over how much I can actually feel the scars. One would think that you'd jerk away from my touch but you simply gaze wondering at me with sadness in your eyes. Letting the truth pull you in…

_Are you drowning just like me?_ _A silent question on dry lips._

-"I'm weak, Gaara… I don't know if I can save you, I'm sorry" I mumble, trailing of not knowing why I said that at all. -"You're not weak, Sasuke" you state and look away towards the stage where people are starting to gather. It's the commotion on the stage that makes them draw closer; apparently the first band is getting ready to play. The last chords of the song playing in the huge speakersfades away as the DJ lowers the volume, letting the tunes of the song be replaced by shrieking from an electric guitar and some soft bangs from the drums and the band enters the stage, probably ready to rock the hell out of us. I await some sort of continuation from you but there is none, instead we drown in music. My tongue feels to big for my mouth and even if I said something the words would be caught in the rythm of the music, maybe loosing there true meaning. And besides this might not be the best of places to discuss my weakness and my shame, it might shake those fragile bonds we tied. Because I am wrong too, I can't handle all the challenges I've been put trough. I fail and loose, I hug my pillow tight at night and wish there was no such thing as life too, pretty much like we all do, but doesn't admit. I have no visible scars on the outside like you, but on the inside duck-tape is holding it all together. Some might call it strength but for me it's an away of survival. If I don't feel, then I won't hurt. If I freeze everything inside and learn to sleep with ice rimmed dreams nothing will ever be able to touch me. Memories will be nothing more then pictures, silhouettes from a time I've lost. Never thinking about what I could gain, never whishing for things I want to have, accepting what has been, not caring that it sliced me open and leaved me cold, that was my truth and that was my way… until you came along.

You turned my frozen wanting into flaming needing and you stirred around everything I so nicely fixed and chained to certain places. You made me cry near you, almost in your arms like a baby. That's the closest I've ever been to someone. Neji never saw me cry, he knew about Itachi, he knew about my parents but he never wanted me to open up. And I guess he thought that was what I wanted. He interpreted my silence as a bonder he shouldn't break and out of respect he never stepped on those lines. But you, you stormed them without even knowing, attacked my weakest points simply by showing you own hopelessness. By that I don't mean anything bad about Neji, I needed our time together as well as he needed it. He saved me in a time where my world was falling apart. Where screams and arguing echoed trough the night.I didn't tell him about them but he knew and maybe he got hurt because I never told him. But if he was, he never showed it instead he was there to open up his window in the middle of the night. He was there to kiss away the pain. I let my hormones rage instead of trying to straighten out the messed up lines. Affection and touching were and are so much easier then words and talking, but together with you, I will have to learn how to ask first, maybe for the first time in my life.

Once hidden back emotions storms trough my body and I taste blood in my mouth. I must have bitten my tongue too hard. I want to save you, but I can't save the whole world, and most of all I can't save myself. -"It's okay" you say forcing me to look at you and suddenly I feel we've changed roles. I'm the one that can't keep my emotional chaos in control, you're the one there to witness its attempts to escapes the prison that is my eyes. I nod, it's okay. _(I'm not okay) _There are too many damn okays nowadays, everyone's okay, but inside we all weep, we all mourn, we all hate, we all need, god damn it, we all need too much.

The music surrounds us, loud and aggressive and I can barely make out the words being sung. We're here to have a good time, not to sulk and I feel like apologizing for spoiling your fun. I'm the one standing still, lost in my own thoughts, mentally debating all my flaws. I'm the one with sadness, worry, and discomfort draped over my shoulders pulling me down. You're just silently watching me, trying to understand what's happening behind my curtains. I think if I've asked you right now, you would have followed me home again. We could listen to music all night and get ourselves lost in lyrics. Thinking that someday we too might understand the world. We could watch the moon and the stars fall apart, and the night grow dark and then bright again. We could play videogames and fall asleep in each others arms; I wouldn't have to confront Neji. _We wouldn't have to loose everything we ever had._

But I don't ask you, I won't hide from Neji. I owe him so much and running away in the last moment would be stepping on all those things he actually gave me. Instead I give you a quick little kiss to cover things up. A tiny peak on the lips and I earn myself an embarrassed smile from you. You look around quickly, trying to see if anyone saw us, before you lean in to kiss me back. This time a little longer, a little harder, a little more wanting, a little more desperate… You grip my hand a little to tight, you press yourself a little too close and you breath a little too fast. You give yourself away to make up for the words you can't say, your lips are so soft and I catch myself thinking about how it would feel kissing you if you got your lip pierced, what pleasant sensations a ring of metal could do. When we part, the air is electric, filled with unspoken words and urges to do more and I wonder, do you really want to? Or is it just for me, because I need someone to take it all away. You reach out and brush away a strand of my hair from my face. It's a gentle motion, probably not planned. But it holds so much caring… so much love. So much of those things I've refused to want before and now I can't seem to get enough of them. Maybe I can handle things going slow, maybe this time I don't have to run ahead, maybe this time we'll breath in tact.

Who could ever suspect that a simple teenage crush could turn out like this? For me it's unreal and for you it's probably the same. Standing here so close together with the world inches away, for a few days ago it was nothing but a dream. It's moments like this that must be meant to be broken, illusions are created only to be shattered. I hate myself for not daring to believe all the way, for not closing my eyes and letting myself fall. It's the last step and I have to take it sooner or later. In the end I guess I'm simply scared I'll get hurt again. Because even though you're fragile and thin like a leaf, you hold my stupid heart. And if you drop it, I might seize to breathe and then our pulses we'll never be able to synchronise.

Time passes by, the band plays on and times are good. We're laughing, applauding and singing along when the lyrics can be heard, momentarily forgetting there is a tomorrow and that heart shaped frames can be broken. All the time we find small reasons to touch each others, simple brushes of hands, little kisses while trying to speak above the intense volume of the music and generally showing as much affection that's ever possible. The thoughts of Neji are suppressed into darker realms and secretly I wish he'll never show. I glance around for him from time to time but I fail to notice him. Inside me, I know how much it must hurt him to se me and you together like this if he is here. He actually came all that way for me and I reward him with trying to pretend that nothing ever happened. Neji's strong, but is he really that strong I wonder?

The first band ends there set with a "Thank you, we're_ Corrosive Starfish_, please come see us soon again!". The crowd is ecstatic and so are we. They were really good and I'm actually thinking about passing by the merchstand later on to get myself a t-shirt and a cd. I turn to you and you're eyes glitter, and for once there's nothing but happiness in them. -"Bathroom" you say and I nod telling you I'll stay right here and wait. I look after you when you push your way trough the crowd. Normally you'd be pushed back but now you're walking on, actually brushing by people without flinching. Can love really do such wonders? Music starts up in the speakers again; it's a song I recognise and automatically I start to echo the words being sung. It's one of my favourites. Lost in my own little world I sing my favourite lines: _best friends means, well best friends means…_

-"Friends forever, right?" he says right behind me, closer then what you have ever been. His breathe is soft against my ear, his body heath is so intense, so near. -"Neji" I gasp and stop in mid sentence. He's hurt, it's so obvious, oh so obvious. His voice is so thin, so little. Guilt washes over me and I turn slowly to face him. I don't know if I can bear to see that face and those x-ray eyes.

He's so perfect while standing there, tall and proud, fighting hard to not let any emotions show. His unruly dark bangs have as usual escaped his loose ponytail and I feel myself wanting to tuck them behind his ears, the same way you did with mine. Give him that feeling you gave me. Softly let my fingers grace his cheeks, telling him it's okay, even though it isn't. Those damn okays breaks my world, but he needs that comfort.

He deserves that lie, exact the same way you deserve my lies. I'm too ashamed to look him in the eyes, instead my eyes stays glued against his chest. He changed sweater it since this morning I notice. This one is black with a hood and a broken heart stitched across the side of his chest, a subliminal message perhaps? I want to touch those stitches, trace the green lines, making the heart whole again.

The truth is I shouldn't be with either one of you. I'm the bad guy in this mess, stories are supposed to end with happiness and the good guys winning. But I guess our story is one of a kind, we're the exception that confirms the rule. Whatever I choose, it'll end in chaos. It's a matter of minutes now, you'll be back any second. My heart beats faster when I step closer, closing the little gap between us. He's taller then me. When I'm close to him I feel protected, when I'm with you I'm the one protecting. But I've chosen, there's no way back, I know what I have to do. –"I love him, Neji" I breathe out, and I know my breathe tickles his face, I know it makes him burn inside. –"I know" he answers, simple and clean cut as awaited from him, not even a flinch betrays what he thinks.

Our end isn't even bittersweet, it's harsh. Doing this I kill myself inside exactly the same way I'm killing him. Even if his outside doesn't show it, his eyes mirror mine. I've cut out bonds for real and I'm scared we'll bleed to death.

-"I'm sorry" I say, and again I bite my tongue so hard it bleedsMore blood, more liquid emotions. Blood is even rawer then tears, mixing blood means always is forever.

_Neji, I want to give you the world, but I can't. There's someone else that needs it more_. I wish I could tell him those words but there's no way I could possible do that. Neji and I, we aren't that way, we can't do things easy, we're both afraid of being weak. That's what made me chose you, because you trust me enough to let the mask crack. Even though you haven't told me everything yet, I know you will someday. Neji won't do that, he won't bleed for me. He needs someone else, someone special, someone who's not broken in two, someone with healing hands.

The taste of blood in my mouth is this time sickening. I want desperately to rinse it away. If he kisses me now, he'll taste my guilt. He'll now what I feel but I think he can already tell by the way I'm looking at him. He doesn't move away. Damn, why won't he move? I told him, I did. He's supposed to walk away now, it's over, and it's final. 1 +1+1 can never be more then 2, I can't make the equation turn out another way.I shake as the music around us turn into an up-beat techno song. My heart races with the base of the song and regret floods my veins, is this right? _Don't go away, Neji, please stay… no go, go. _And suddenly he's too close, too warm, too wrong and then silk hair against my cheeks, mint breathes against my lips. Home has never been this good before… I'm sorry Gaara, truly I am.

Gaaras POV

It takes ages to reach the back of the room where the bathroom's located, there are people everywhere. But it's all fun, I like this place. Actually it's awesome, live music is the coolest thing ever. I've really missed out never being to a real concert before, but I'll change that now. This is the first day of my real life, a real cliché thing to think. But screw what's cliché or not… I'll make it work; we'll make it work together.

No more angst, insomnia ridden nights and razorblade kissed wrists, today's the end of all that. It's like a big weight has been lifted of my shoulders, somewhat like I'm breathing real air for the first time in a very, very long time. It's going to be a hard road to walk, and I'll probably fall back a million times, but I'll crawl up again. _I will!_

It's a relief to enter the bathroom, the intense volume from outside is lowered so I can hear myself think again. It smells a little and there's graffiti everywhere but I don't mind. It's nice getting away from the crowd for a little while, I haven't been feeling claustrophobic like I thought I would but it's tiring being out there, it takes so much out of me. After doing what I went there to do I close the stall door behind me and see the greenhaired guy from before entering the bathroom. He's holding hands with a shy looking brownhaired kid and he smiles when he sees me. I smile back but my eyes keeps on returning to their hands. It doesn't look wrong, it doesn't look disgusting even though they're both boys. I can't understand why people get so worked up over it, it's just love. The simplest thing there is. After seeing those two I have no doubts at all, I'm ready to give my life to you. Fuck the people at school, we only have one more year left either way. I want this year to be the best I've ever had. You're pretty and I'm choked up but somehow we're the same. Neji isn't like us, I know that now. You won't go back to him, you promised me. You told me you never lie and I believe you. I'm ready to tell you now, tell you everything and I won't touch the razorblades again. It's over, I'm breaking of that destructive romance tonight. Some scars will probably never fade but as time go I will forget about them. They'll be a nightmare, a past tense, a shady memory, a little something that reminds me that we can all fall down, but also that we can all be saved.

With new found hope I open the door and let myself get swallowed by the sound outside. There's something intense with being around so much people. When so much excitement gather at one place there's no doubt something will go wrong, but not tonight, not with me. I feel too confident, nothing will ruin this night. It's for you and me. I grin at myself, I'm so stupid but at least I'm happy. Bubbly feelings inside and sunshine in my eyes, seldom has stranger things been felt. The first steps out of depression is taken, I'm no longer fighting the war alone. You've joined my side and I'm determined we will win.

While pushing myself back trough the crowd I start thinking about Neji, he'll get hurt now. Maybe he doesn't deserve it? He looks like he have it all but looks can be deceiving I learnt that from you. What if this breaks him? Can I bear with that, can I bear with destroying another human being? It's one thing to hurt myself but to hurt others that's harder.

I stop suddenly second-guessing my decision, maybe he deserves you more? I tremble there I stand, I want you too. It's unfair if he gets you, so I take the final steps without knowing they are the last ones. I'm not prepared to see what I see, I didn't expect you to tear my wings like that, I didn't think you… I just… and the truth sinks in.

You, no! Please tell me it's not true, you can't do that? _No! No! No!_

It must not be true. Sasuke, why? I feel my eyes fill up with tears, my vision gets blurry but I can still see, I can still watch… You're kissing him right in front of me, your back is against me and his hand snakes their way under you shirt, touching the pale skin I wanted to touch. I wanted to do that, his hands aren't supposed to be doing that, mine are. One by one the tears begin to fall, bringing pieces of my walls with them down. They tumble around me, crashing with the sound of my own breakage. Every tiny piece I ever built turns to dust, betrayal screams on the tops of its lungs and it burns, burns so deep inside I almost fall to my knees. The pain strangles my lungs and makes it hard to gasp for air.

Your hands are tangled in his hair, twisting it in gently around your fingertips, and on one of those hands I read my own name, the name you wrote because you promised it was true, you promised you'd never break. I can't hear it, but I'm sure you're the one moaning now. He pleasures you, doesn't he? In a way I can't, no matter how much I give, no matter how hard I try, no matter what I do. The feelings inside me are sickening but I can't look away, I must watch me die.

Why do you do this, why? I'm frozen, I want to move, I want turn and run away but my legs won't listen, they take pleasure in making me suffer. I don't want to ride this carousel anymore, it goes too fast and there are no emergency breaks. Slowly you open your eyes and when they met mine over Nejis shoulder you look scared, terrified and guilty. You know what you've done, you know I'll hurt myself, just not how much. Immediately you push Neji away and scream my name, but it's not my name anymore, I'm nothing now. You pressed the last button, injected the last drops of poison, signed the final paper, took the decision for me. Your voice is the trigger I needed, finally I can run. I turn and hatred helps me push my way trough, people stare at my panic struck face and the black smudging my cheeks, but I don't care, I'll never see them again. The chill air outside makes the salty tears burn my face. It's hurt everywhere, every single bone in my body aches for you, for love, for trust, for something to make the suffering stop. I trusted you, I gave you the only part of me that wasn't broken and you had to break it too. You had to! Inside my head there's chaos, a loud symphony of taunting voices tells me they knew I'd end up like this, that I'm too pathetic. They laugh at the way I believed your words. The best part of believe is the lie, they sing pointing there bony fingers at me.

I want it to go away. I want you to go away and I want him to go away. There's only one way to never feel again, there's only one path to walk out of misery since you closed all the others. It's too late for forgiving, forgetting and I run faster avoiding the streetlights, hiding in the shadows and breathing fast, sobs escaping my lips and screams on the verge of being born in my mouth. Panic overwhelms me and I fall to the ground with my knees drawn to my chest, wounds on my palms and my head pressed against the concrete. It's so cold, oh so cold against my cheek. Numb frost kisses my burning lips and I know I have to raise myself, if you catch up with me, I'll fall into your arms and I'll never be strong enough. I'll scream and shout and you might talk me out of what I'm planning to do, you might save from my destiny.

It's not the way I always imagined I'd do it, but there's no time for getting the things I need. No time for shiny razorblades, sweet words and goodbye letters, lies scribbled on papers. The world doesn't need more lies anyway. You'll be the only one who knows why and I do hope it'll hurt you. That it'll scar you deep, making a never healing wound appear, the kind that keeps on getting inflamed and red, the kind that hurts throughout the day. But it probably wont, I'm not even good enough for that. You'll shrug it of telling him I always was a little unstable. And you two will have that happy ever after that I wanted so badly. You killed my dream. Why didn't you tell me? You could have said you wanted him more, that he was the drug you needed and that I wasn't a good enough antidote. That way we could have lived on as friends maybe? But not now, it's too late now, I'm so disgusted by my own childish trust and most of all I hate myself, I should have known dreams aren't for me. I should have known there isn't such a thing as love that last forever.

Panting from the long run I reach my goal, the big almost abandoned railway bridge in the end of town. I've been here a couple of times before, sitting on the rail edge staring down whishing I was brave enough to jump. The water underneath looks so welcoming, so blue and so free like one of those dreams I shouldn't have. I glance over my shoulder, but you're nowhere to be seen, maybe you gave up, maybe you didn't run after me at all? Slowly I climb the edge and close my eyes, step by step I walk the line, the wind grabs hold of my clothes and chills me to the bone.

I don't want to feel anymore, I don't want to think and most of all I don't want to hurt and this is the only way I could think of. You never loose control, but I do, you left to much little things unspoken, to many things never passed your lips. You sealed them in and locked me out. Maybe we weren't made for each others like I thought, maybe this is what was supposed to happen. I look up and trace the starlight, wondering if I'll be free now, wondering if the pain will step aside for once? The stars are free, they don't have to feel. There road never changes like mine did. The get born, they shine and then they die and all the time they're beautiful. I wasn't beautiful once, you made me believe so, but underneath I was still dirt. But everything feels right now, queen hysteria has calmed down, I've made up my mind. I'm drowning in moonlight, balancing on the thin line between life and death hoping I'll fall soon, real soon, because all hope has fled and I'm too tired to chase after it. My legs are worn; they can't run anymore, they've been running all my life, trying to escape myself. The flower I used to be has faded, I blossomed for three days, I got that much. It's more then what some people get but it wasn't enough. At least I got to fly though, even if it was with borrowed wings. I got a tiny piece of heaven and now I'm going straight to hell. They say suicide is the weak ones way out, but I never claimed to be strong, I never said I could make it on my own. There's nothing left for me here, the people I leave behind have each others, they don't need me and most of all you don't need me, you have him. I never thought I'd be this calm, that the havoc could be sedated so easily, that it would be this beautiful. I look up one last time; it's unrealistically dark as I tell the sky goodbye, as I wave to the moon. I smile a silent farewell and hold my breath. My eyes have never been this wide before as I stare out the river, blinking as the night becomes luminous and somewhere, somewhere far, far away I hear my name being called out, the voice sounding desperate, so familiar, so much like you, but it's too late, because there's a sick little suicide in all the we do, and this one's for me.

The End

**Authors note:** And that was all. Sick Little Suicide has meant a lot of things to me, when I started writing it, it was my way of channelling angst. Much of Gaara is based of what I felt sometimes, and still feel. Worthless, useless, they're not just words on paper, they're everyday life but anyway, time passed and I have changed but SLS haven't. I apologise for taking so long time between the updates, and for giving you this crappy ending. I shouldn't update today, I should wait a few days and reread it, fix the small mistakes I know I've done, but I want to get rid of SLS now. Finishing it, means leaving an old part behind and hopefully I can start a new one. I've learnt a lot trough SLS, and the most important thing of all, I gained friends. Friends who helped me when things we're bad and I can never say thank you enough for that and now I'm getting sappy. So simply thanks to all who has reviewed this. I was thinking about re-writing all the earlier chapters, the grammar sucks, the spelling is of, some of the meanings are odd and I repeat the same words all the time, but I think I've decided against, SLS has been a journey and it's better to not back track and change that which I have learned.


	16. Skin Deep

**Note:** you could call this an epilogue of sort, or maybe even the end, for me it's a true goodbye, it's never looking back, it's time to get better now.

**Sick Little Suicide**

"Skin Deep"

It's been months now, hours, minutes and seconds but still the picture is as vivid as ever before. I've heard that time is supposed to heal wounds but I got ripped right apart and it doesn't seem like Father Time is especially good a sewing, since I still bleed and choke like if it happened yesterday. Like if I am still there on my knees underneath the stars, begging for forgiveness, with your name on my lips, and the lyrics we just sang together in my head, twisting around there, blocking the pathway to my lungs and I can't breathe. I simply can't breathe because of the pain, it overwhelms me and I'm left to die. I killed you.

The few stitches I manage to place right I tear right of again. Punishing myself by remembering, the taste of smoke and ash, of guilt and blood, of you and me, of late night conversations and everlasting daydreams.

Heart shaped feelings drawn onto pale, pale skin. I kept it there for as long as I could, but eventually it faded, and it felt wrong to draw it back on again, since I didn't keep my promise. I broke everything there was to break, every single bone in your body. I crushed delicate hipbones with my bare hands and bent your spine until it couldn't take it anymore. I pushed you over the edge and I looked away when you ran even thought I knew you were going to fall.

I should have known that home is where the heart is. I should have known, but I didn't and for that I am sorry, I'm so god damn sorry. I cry every day and scream every night. I pray until my lips are sore _(like when we kissed)_ and I sit in the corner drawing blank stares from my audience. I refuse to eat and spend all my time writing low-key, love-sick poetry about you.

I know I am acting insane, and that you'd probably wouldn't want me this way, but what way is there to go when one is dead and the other is helpless? It's not his fault that I fucked up; it's not his fault that I chose to tangle myself into strands of his long, long brown hair and hide there. He can't help that I couldn't play my role right. I used to blame him so bad, I used to hate him for coming back, I used to lash out at him, I used to kick and yell, I used to take all my frustration out on him. I used to fuck him all night and when I came, your name was the one that echoed trough my room and the tears in his eyes were the only ones that kept me from jumping, kept me from losing my grip, kept me from being brave enough to finally say; I'm sorry.

I guess he stayed for as long as he could, and then he left without a note, pretty much like last time, difference being; this time he chose to. He wasn't forced and truth to tell it didn't affect me much. My nightmares wasn't any easier to bear when he was close and now I had twice the reason to feel dirty so I spent hours upon hours with cold water numbing me to the bone and a bare of lavender soap in my hand, trying so desperately to be clean, to be free.

We kissed, we touched, we slept with arms around each others and the rain on the other side of my window reminds me of the morning when I found out that you kept a secret. Or wait, not one, a thousand. Your wrists told a different story then the one you first told me. I touched and I felt, but I didn't get it. I do know though, and with that I grin, a _sick-sad_ twisted version of the smile you once whispered you loved.

I'm supposed to go on now, right? But what if don't want to? What if I'm not sure that I can?

I've made myself something, something to remember you by, a little something that'll never leave me. I've marked myself, made myself a bracelet out of scars. Cut every single feeling into my flesh, it nearly killed me, but I adored the pain. I watched it trickle and paint the world crimson, from a light red to a dark, dark shade, almost black bordering on blue in the hospital lights.

The room was white and I felt almost ghostlike. They gave me pills in different shapes, from triangular to circular, but inside they're all the same. A chemical romance which I am not late to date, even though I know, they can never kiss the way you did. The way virgins kiss when they've never been touched before. The sweet taste of innocence can never be artificially reproduced in the form of fakes. There's no way to disguise when something gets bitter and old, touched and worn. It doesn't matter how much sweeteners I put on my cereal, they still taste of death and muddy flood water. They taste like your lips did afterwards.

Take a step, break a world, and the song plays on; I've had it on repeat for days now. It's nothing special really, just a tad bit too old, lyrics a little askew and the beat should have been played backwards to give it another touch. But I don't mind the slowness, I think of stars and I breathe in deep, I love the chorus and I know every word. Because it is true, they can't, no they just can't kill heroes.

I know you watch them too from wherever you are. My fingers are splayed against the icy surface of my window, like a prisoner desperate for release, but I am not sure I am anymore. Desperation might have killed guilt, but there's something else now, lurking about and for every turn with the dice, I'm going somewhere still unknown. It's a drabble not yet written, the beginning I know, the middle is a _has-already-been_, and the ending, that one is mine to choose.

I've built my own prison, thrown away the key and signed my own death, I want to walk the mile but I also know something else, but that's a secret between you and me. Between best friends and what could have been lovers for life. _Could have been_… I twist the knife another round, pop another pin and fall to my knees. They make a dull sound hitting the carpet on my floor, and I drown in sound, drown in pain and rest my head against my arms (they look like yours now, oddly that just makes me sad because I know you would have hated it). I listen to my heart and wonder how it can still beat? Does it really want to live that bad?

I write you a message in the trail of clouds my breath leaved on the window. It's a simple message, nothing much really, nothing like all those twisted lyrics I've got hidden underneath my bed, nothing about thorns and roses, nothing about the fact that I am scarred too now, nothing that's even close to beautiful, but at least it is true and it's a promise with fingers crossed and hope to die.

It's worth more then _veritas _cut into teenage palms, it's better than streets at night, better than driving fast as the wind listening to your favourite and screaming like if you were on fire, it's better than sunshine and never-ending days, it's worth so much more then soap-bubbles and naked skin, it's worth everything I am not. It's a last try to repair, to heal, to mend, it's a way to say everything I planned to say (but never did), a way to give you back all those days I stole from you, it's a oh, god I am so sorry, written with the tiniest of letters and cheeks so red with shame that they burn, it's the one single thing I can give to you… my life.

…_I'll never give up._

I promise, never, I'll never give upon life, that's my gift to you. It might not seem like much to the world, but for me (for us) it's everything, and once more the song plays and they sing; _you can't kill heroes_.

**End note: **I wrote this for one single reason. I've kept on getting so many reviews for this story. Reviews that I don't deserve because it isn't especially good, but I guess it touches something, and that is not being alright, it's crying at night feeling like you're about to die, it's being alone, hurting and having the air being stolen right out of your lungs.

Some of you might think I am a little too dramatic now, but that's fine, it just proves that you've read this for some fun, and it makes me happy knowing that you're not one of those who hurt.

Because guys please don't cut yourself (don't even try to see if it helps, it doesn't) and if you do cut, never be ashamed of your scars, be proud that you're still standing, still fighting and still living. This is written for all of us who still fight our wars every single day. Not a war against the world, but wars against ourselves. The hardest fight there is. We can all make it, but it takes time and it hurts, god, it hurts so bad.

Never let the monsters win, kick them, hurt them, scream at them, hide from them, just don't let them get to you…

Loads of love // Future

(_Bracelets_ by _The Spill Canvas_)


End file.
